Wizarding Betrothal
by pasmosa
Summary: Lily's parents arranged her marriage to a wizard when she was born, and sealed the deal with a binding magical contract! Nobody counted on Lily choosing not to cooperate! Someone's heart will get broken. Will it be her own? COMPLETE
1. Little Rebel

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything related to Harry Potter. JK Rowling is the genius behind that! This disclaimer applies to all of the following chapters in this story. **

**This fic is slightly AU in that, to allow for some creative flexibility, I have invented an age difference between the leading characters. Other than that, I have tried to stick to the HP canon as carefully as possible.**

**Please read and enjoy!**

Chapter 1: Little Rebel

The thing to know about rebels is they hardly ever have all the information, and they aren't usually too worried about that little problem. Maybe that's why they tend to wind up in so much trouble. Be that as it may, it certainly does explain a few things about the trials endured by a certain Lily Evans.

Raising her arms up, Lily stretched her sore muscles; she hadn't worked herself that hard in a long time. The neighbourhood park – aka. "The Swamp" – had been a favourite hangout for Lily and her Muggle friends for as long as she could remember. With all of the smooth sidewalks, iron stair rails, paved ramps, and shady trees, it was the perfect spot for hanging out. They would spend hours skating and laughing, experimenting with new jumps and moves, sometimes showing off, frequently goofing off. This day, however, had been different.

Lily pulled off her T-shirt and long trousers, revealing a yellow swimsuit, and investigated a sore spot on her outer thigh. A purple bruise was already blooming. For once, she had not skated for fun. She had skated to forget. Lily had thrown herself at the ramps, attacked the rails, and generally buffeted her body with greater ferocity than ever before. No fear, no thought – just muscle and wheel and surface. Just Lily, pouring out her anger and frustration onto the pavement; forcing it out with adrenaline and pain and intense concentration. She would deal with the bruises and sore muscles later. She would deal with everything later.

Letting her ponytail down, Lily carefully crossed over the stony ground, kicking her feet through the rough sand at the water's edge. It was her favourite spot on the beach. Hardly anyone went there, and it was an easy walk from her house. She knew it like the back of her hand. It was nice knowing about things.

Lily winced as she strode into the shallow waves. Even in the summer, the water was frigid. The cold water would keep the bruises down, but it would tighten her muscles. It would also distract her from thinking. Forcing her way through the water, Lily took deep awkward breaths through gritted teeth. She lifted her feet, and let her head sink into the water before rising again and standing shoulder deep. She didn't know how long she stood there, trying to see the end of the ocean she was immersed in. That morning Lily had been on fire. By the afternoon, she was numb. The hot-tempered rage had somehow dissolved during the day and she was left with a peculiar feeling of shock.

"What do I do now?"

"I'd suggest getting out of that water before your muscles seize up."

Lily spun around to see a slight smirk on the face of her friend, Mike, skateboard tucked under his arm, safely away from the sand.

"Don't sneak up on me like that!" Lily groaned and trudged out of the water, warming up in the afternoon sun. "What are you doing here anyway?"

"Why wouldn't I be here?"

Lily raised an eyebrow; she knew he'd been following her. With her face lifted up, Lily stood, allowing the sun to warm her skin before moving towards her things that were piled haphazardly on the bench.

"That was some major air you were getting earlier at the Swamp," Mike tried.

Lily looked over and grinned silently.

Encouraged, he went on. "And that long grind was brill! I've never seen you nail that before."

She was definitely smiling now. "Yeah, that was really cool!" Not bothering to dry off, she pulled her clothes on and narrowed her eyes at Mike. "I didn't know you were watching."

"Everybody was watching."

Lily looked away while she tied her shoes. "I was kind of in a zone."

"No kidding!" Mike chuckled and Lily shot him a fake glare before grinning herself.

Mike stepped onto his board, following Lily down the road. "How is your leg by the way? I thought for a minute you'd broken it when you took that tumble off the rail."

"It's okay. I'll have a nasty bruise, but that's nothing new."

"So what's up, Lil?" He looked at her seriously. "And don't try to say it's nothing. I've known you for 15 years and it's dead obvious you're royally ticked off about something."

Watching the pavement as they moved towards her house, Lily sucked on her teeth and tried to think of what to say. She hadn't even considered what she would tell Mike, let alone her other Muggle friends. How exactly do you explain to a Muggle that you have just discovered that, upon your birth, your Muggle parents pre-arranged your future marriage to a wizard with magical powers that supposedly "best complement" your own, and then had the gall to seal the deal with a binding magical contract? Well, of course she could say it just like that, but Lily, like a good girl, had never told any of her Muggle friends that she was a witch. She had never even told Mike, her best friend outside of Hogwarts.

"Lily? Earth to Lil!" Mike was whistling at Lily, drawing her out of her reverie.

"I'm just having some problems with my parents, Mike. You know how it goes. They want me to do something and they don't even seem to care whether I want to or not. I'm mad that they didn't even ask my opinion, and now they want to force it on me."

"That stinks."

"Absolutely!" Lily liked that about Mike. No matter how confused he was, she knew he would never try to drag the story out of her. He would just support her.

"Your dad and mum are usually pretty cool though," Mike said. "Maybe they know something about it that you don't."

Lily just grunted at this. She didn't like them enough at that moment to admit that they could know anything at all.

"Remember that time they dragged you off to America for the summer? We did everything we could to get them to let you to stay behind at my house so that we could build that fort we had planned out. They made you go with them though, and it turned out to be totally brilliant. Plus, my parents shot down the whole fort idea in the end anyway. For some reason they didn't really go for the idea of us dismantling the tool shed for lumber."

A smile was tugging at the corners of Lily's mouth. "It was so unfair!"

Mike stopped in the street and faced her. "Maybe whatever it is will end up being better than you think."

Avoiding his eye, Lily sighed. Mike seemed to send that he was hitting the nail on the head. "All I'm saying," he added, "is it might be worth keeping an open mind until you're sure you have all the facts."

She nodded once and took a deep breath. "Maybe you're right Mike. I just don't know what to do."

"You'll figure it out, Lily. Just keep you chin up, and remember that killer grind." Waving, Mike repositioned his skateboard and sped off, leaving her at the Evans' back gate.

Lily smiled and raised her hand at him in response. "Thanks, Mike."

Smile fading, Lily coasted through the gate and skated down the garden path to the house, bracing herself for what was to come. The previous night had been horrible. There was no other word for it. Under normal circumstances, Lily got along with her parents relatively well - especially since her sister had moved out – but their last conversation was just…well…horrible. Mr. and Mrs. Evans were Muggles, but they were well aware of the wizarding world and, while they didn't understand it terribly well, they found it fascinating. Too fascinating, Lily thought.

It was over dinner the night before when they had dropped the bomb on her: she was engaged. Not only was she engaged, but her future husband would be visiting them the next evening with his mother so that they could all meet. Wasn't that lovely.

For some odd reason, when Lily was born, the Evans had been informed that Lily was a witch. Shortly afterwards, they had been talked into roping Lily into a Wizarding Betrothal, which just happened to be magically binding. They obviously still thought it was a wonderful idea, and were quite pleased with themselves.

Hesitant to believe that something like that could be for real, Lily had joked with her parents about it for a while, thinking that they were trying to play some bizarre prank on her. She should have known that her parents weren't funny enough for decent pranks like that. When she'd finally realised they were in earnest, something inside Lily snapped.

"Binding my foot!" Lily had shouted at them. "I don't have to marry anybody I don't want to, and I am certainly not going to marry some stranger who's obviously too pathetic to get a girl on his own!"

"Why are you doing this to me? Do you hate me or something!"

"Why do you have to run my life for me?"

"Don't you trust me to make any decisions for myself?"

"Are you going to pick my career for me too? How about you schedule what clothes I should wear every day?"

"You can't make me do it!"

"Why don't you trust me?"

"I hate you guys!"

Lily cringed as she recalled the horrible things she had shouted at her parents. They had gone around in circles for hours, but she had been deaf to all explanations, unwilling to hear any of their reasoning. Finally storming up to her room and cranking up angry music as loud as she could, Lily ignored them until falling into an uneasy sleep. She had snuck out early in the morning to go to the Swamp, where she had skated hard until she was near exhaustion and in danger of really hurting herself. Lily knew full well that she had been unreasonable and mean, but she also knew that she would never marry a man she didn't love, regardless of the consequences. She was still angry with her parents; although the reckless anger she'd felt earlier had evolved to a calmer sense of indignation.

What was she going to do? It was all like a bad dream…maybe she would wake up.

Lily suddenly froze, realising that a car was pulling up in the circular drive out front. Lifting her skateboard, Lily crouched behind a tree and watched as a young man emerged from the driver's door. He was obviously quite a bit older than she was – maybe he was a chauffeur. The young man jogged around to the opposite side of the car and opened the front passenger door for a small lady whom he gently helped to her feet.

Definitely a chauffeur. Too bad: he was kind of cute. When nobody else seemed to be exiting the car, Lily's eyes widened. Maybe that was him! The lady stood looking happily up at the front door while, just behind her, the young man inhaled deeply and straightened his vest. He ruffled his hair with one of his hands in an irritated sort of way ,and then stepped up next to the lady, leading her to the door.

He didn't exactly seem thrilled to be there, and Lily felt a little encouraged. Was he ticked off about the betrothal too? Or was he just nervous? There was only one way to find out.


	2. First Impressions

Chapter 2: First Impressions 

The chimes of the doorbell sounded rhythmically from the house, reminding Lily that she needed to hustle. Not that she was in a hurry to please anybody, of course, but it certainly would not help her cause if she made herself look like a bratty, inconsiderate child refusing to come down to dinner.

Keeping hidden in the shrubbery, she crept into the hydrangeas under her bedroom balcony and climbed atop a broad stone planter. Yes, maturity and polite behaviour would be the best route to successfully making her case; that, and it would shock her parents who were probably trying to come up with an excuse for her absence at that very moment. Shocking them was always amusing.

Lily pushed her skateboard through the space in the railing, and grabbed the lower ledge of the balcony, bracing her hands tightly. She pulled her body up high enough to swing her leg and heave her foot onto the ledge as well, and then hoisted herself all the way up, crawling over the railing and onto the balcony.

If she were going to argue that she was responsible enough to make her own decisions, she would have to behave herself like a responsible adult. Rubbing the circulation back into her palms, Lily slipped into her bedroom, stripped to her skin, and rushed into the washroom to scrub up. She could just picture her mother's desperate sigh of relief upon hearing the upstairs shower running.

A yellow note was stuck to the closet door.

"Lily – I picked up a pretty new dress for you to wear tonight. Please remember that we love you. See you downstairs. – Mum"

Looking around, she spotted the 'pretty new dress' lying innocently across her bed, and recoiled in revulsion. There was no way on God's green earth that she would get Lily into that thing! What was her mother thinking? Turning back to the closet, Lily grabbed a black knee length skirt and a soft black and navy striped blouse. It was an outfit that she loved and felt comfortable in. It also happened to be an outfit that her parents hated; chipper Mrs. Evans thought the colours were too dark and depressing, and Mr. Evans considered it to be too tight on her maturing figure. That evening however, they would be so glad to see her at all that she knew she wouldn't be sent back upstairs to change.

With a few finishing touches to her appearance, and a final glance in the mirror, Lily took a deep breath and began walking downstairs. "Remember that killer grind," she said aloud, grinning and smoothing her skirt.

The double doors leading into the front parlour were standing open. She slipped through them and stood in the doorway, observing the occupants and wondering with amusement how long it would take them to notice her.

Mother was chatting with the small lady whom Lily had seen in the driveway. They were sitting on the sofa nearest the window, and Mother was putting up an excellent appearance of being calm and collected. Lily noted that she was crossing and uncrossing her ankles repeatedly beneath her long dress, a sure sign that the very proper woman was agitated.

The small lady on the sofa had to be Mrs. Potter. She carried an air of amiable grace and good breeding, and seemed enthralled by the Muggle home she was visiting. Definitely a witch. Greying hair flecked her temples and Lily wondered for a moment about Mr. Potter, whom had never been mentioned by her parents.

Father chuckled loudly about something or other, and Lily turned her attention to him, sitting importantly in the leather armchair. He was trying really hard.

Following his line of vision, Lily finally took a moment to examine the young Mr. Potter with unveiled interest. Both feet planted on the carpet, he was leaning forward as he related an amusing story to Father. His dark hair looked entirely uncombed, a thick lock inching over his eyes, and he had the browned skin of someone who spent a great deal of time outdoors. While not exactly large, he was muscular, and filled out his stylish Muggle clothes rather nicely, Lily thought. Seeming to sense that he was being watched, his voice faltered as he glanced around, eyes stopping on her form in the doorway. Ruffling his hair, he sat up.

"Ah! Lily, flower! Come in and meet - ." Father's greeting was cut off by Mother, who leapt from the sofa with amazing speed, sweeping Lily unceremoniously back in to the hall.

"Lily! I was so worried about you." She crushed Lily with a relieved hug. "Where have you been?"

The parlour doors were not closed and Lily wondered if her mother really thought that the others would be unable to hear them. Things could get interesting…

"Well? Why are you so late?"

"I was deciding whether or not to come." She spoke in a clear, polite tone, sure that her father was squirming already.

After staring open-mouthed at Lily for a brief moment, Mother seemed to decide that it was not the time to reopen the 'discussion' from the previous evening. She switched topics. "Didn't you see the dress I laid out for you to wear?"

"Yes, ma'am, I did." Lily volunteered no further explanation on the matter, but her mother was not so easily put off.

"So, where is it?"

"On my bed."

"Oh, Lily," she sighed with irritation, "would it have been so terribly hard to put it on?"

"Mother. I am not eight years old, and this is not an Easter Sunday picnic, so I hardly think that particular dress would be suitable." The situation was beginning to get embarrassing and Lily could hear her voice becoming edgy. Time to nip it in the bud. "Are you going to stand in the hall fussing at me all night," she inquired, trying to stick with her resolution to behave maturely.

Mother blinked and then narrowed her eyes, exerting a great deal of effort to bite back the comment on her tongue. "In you go, then." She nodded towards the parlour.

Ever since she had seen the Potters drive up, Lily had been considering the dark haired young man carefully. As tempted as she was to hate his guts, Lily knew that he really bore no greater fault in this arrangement than she did. He had been a child as well when their parents agreed on the betrothal, and for all she knew, he could be even more unhappy about it than she was. Then again, he could be pleased as punch…but she couldn't think about that possibility just yet. No matter what she ended up deciding to do, it would be dead useful if he at least didn't hate her. Besides, he really was too cute.

With that in mind, Lily allowed her mother to guide her through the introductions, not really paying attention to what was said. A little muscle was twitching in her father's neck, the telltale sign that his blood pressure was rising. Lily was pondering how much it would take to send him over the edge without making a fool of herself in the process when she suddenly found herself face to face with her partner in bondage…er, betrothal.

Feigning more self-assurance than she felt, she looked him straight in the eye and was surprised to see silently suppressed laughter looking back at her. Remembering the odd conversation in the hall, she felt rather nervous as she wondered if he was laughing at her, or with her. He took her offered hand in his and then, rather than a normal handshake, suddenly bent to kiss her knuckles, never breaking eye contact. Lily raised an eyebrow at him, forced a slight grin onto her face, and withdrew her hand with a short nod.

She mentally kicked herself. Way to stay in control of the situation, Lily.

Before Lily knew it, they were seated in the dining room, her father had led the blessing, and the dishes were being passed. Mother had obviously put a great deal of effort into the meal. All of the best china, silver and crystal were laid out. The lavender table linens co-ordinated with the low floral arrangements and even with the candles ensconced on the walls. It was really lovely, especially with the curtains opened to allow a view of the lantern-lit garden through the large windows. Lily felt a twinge of guilt that she had left her mother to do so much work alone; they didn't pre-arrange her marriage just to aggravate her. They loved her. But still…that didn't make it right.

"Lily," her mother whispered, "save some room for dessert." Lily was refilling her plate for the third time, rather to her mother's dismay.

"I haven't eaten since yesterday. I can't help it if I'm hungry," she replied, knowing that any attention drawn to her enormous appetite would embarrass her mother. "Besides," she added with a grin, "I need protein more than sugar. I'm already sweet enough."

Mother rolled her eyes and smiled while a soft snort to her left caused Lily to look over in time to see _him_ covering a grin with a large gulp of water. _Him_. For the life of her, Lily could not remember what they said _his_ name was – a fact she had realised with chagrin somewhere between her first and second helpings of roast beef. She'd been forcing herself to pay at least a minimal amount of attention to the conversation ever since, in hopes that someone would use his name. Father had taken to calling him "Potter," and Lily vaguely wondered if he fancied himself a football coach. Mrs. Potter called him "Darling," but that definitely was not going to come out of Lily's mouth. Her mother had managed to avoid the use of his name completely. Maybe she was trying to remember as well. That would sure be a kick!

When Mother finally rose to lead everyone back into the parlour, Lily became acutely aware that she was already paying the price for her time at the Swamp earlier. Sitting still for so long at the table had given her overworked and bruised muscles a chance to stiffen. She got up from her chair with a groan and stumbled before her knees loosened up. Lily felt her face warming with mortification when she saw that _he_ was suddenly standing very close to her, as if to help prevent her from falling. Everyone else was looking at her with concern.

"I'm . . . I'm okay. Just a little stiff. I'm going to take a little walk in the garden if you don't mind, mum. I'll be back in shortly." Or never, more likely.

Her mother nodded. "That's fine sweetheart."

Lily turned, bumped into the back of her chair, practically tripped over her feet trying to avoid touching _him_, and shuffled out the back door, avoiding all eye contact. How many ways could she demonstrate the word 'Pathetic'? Lily began to walk, and stretched her body, working out the developing kinks.

Aside from her spot on the beach, the Evans' large garden was her favourite place to be alone. Wild shrubs and flowers filled the north side of the yard, facing Lily's window, and a formal rose garden grew on the south end. A wide lawn stretched between the two gardens, and shady trees swayed overhead. There was a spot to sit for every mood.

Lily found her way to a low garden wall and leaned her weight against it. She was starting to feel guilty. Of course her parents shouldn't have taken it upon themselves to arrange her marriage for her. Of course, having done so anyway, they should have told her a long time ago. Of course the whole thing was stupid. But really, they loved her. They wanted her to have the best of everything – the best of both worlds (magical and Muggle) – and they wanted her to be happy.

She felt sick remembering how she had lost her temper with them; she hardly ever lost her temper like that, and she had made them so sad. She could still see the hurt in their eyes. They didn't deserve that kind of treatment. There had to be some kind of solution that would please everyone. Sighing deeply, she closed her eyes and massaged her shoulder. The late evening was cooling, and a familiar salty breeze mingled with the midsummer roses as it floated through the garden. Lily took a deep breath and exhaled.

"Mind if I join you?"

Eyes popping open, she saw _him_ sauntering down the dim walk, one hand hooked on his pocket and the other twirling a white gardenia blossom. Not waiting for a response, he took a seat on the wall and held the small flower out in front of her.


	3. A Moonlit Chat and Roses

Chapter 3: A Moonlit Chat with Roses 

The flower looked incredibly small in his brown hand. Lily looked at it, but did not move to take it from him.

"Would you like it?" he asked after a moment, starting to look awkward.

"I don't know." She really didn't.

Lowering his arm, he looked at the blossom in confusion. "You don't know."

"I don't know."

"Is it the flower, or is it me?" He asked this question slowly, as though with great difficulty.

Realising the insult she had given him, Lily's compassion stirred. "How could it be you? I don't even know you."

"It's the flower, then?"

"Yeah."

"What's wrong with it?"

"It's dead. Isn't it?"

She watched as his brow furrowed in thought. "But I only just picked it."

"It's as good as dead," she answered. "Look closely."

He was examining the flower in the palm of his hand, as if trying to work out the mysterious flaw.

Standing up, she whispered, "Some girls are like flowers." When he looked at her, Lily turned and picked her way across the lawn, towards a little swing.

A step sounded behind her. "Like Lilies?"

She was being difficult and she knew it, so Lily forced herself to try to lighten up a bit.

"Aaahhh! Lilies! Of couuurrse!" She smiled as she imitated the accent of her elderly Divination professor, and seated herself in the swing. By his lopsided grin, she guessed that he recognised the impersonation, and she continued with it. "Lilies are the traditional flower of fuuuunerals. A symbol of certain death!"

He leaned up against the large oak's trunk, trying to piece together the puzzle of a girl before him. "Isn't the Lily also a traditional flower at weddings?"

"Aren't weddings and funerals sometimes the same thing?"

Both of his eyebrows disappeared into his hair in surprise at this comment, and then lowered again as his eyes began to shine with understanding. "You really aren't too happy about our engagement, are you?"

"You're really observant, aren't you?" That came out much more snappish than Lily had intended. So much for lightening up.

"I try," he said.

"I'm sorry," Lily sighed. She really was.

"It's not your fault."

"I mean I'm sorry for being so rude tonight." She said. "I've been sort of crazy for the last twenty-four hours or so."

"Only the last twenty-four hours?" He was smiling mischievously, and Lily couldn't help but grin as well.

"That depends on your definition of crazy," she offered, and was surprised when he laughed aloud. Maybe Mike was right; anybody who could laugh at her idiotic jokes couldn't be all that bad.

Working her feet in the grass, Lily tried to get the swing moving a bit, but the bruise on her thigh throbbed in protest as it pressed against the seat. She needed to stand up, but was loath to have a repeat of her stumbling performance in the dining room. She decided to stay put.

With a bit more courage, Lily determined to come right out and ask the embarrassing question that had been nagging at the back of her mind. "Sorry, what was your name again?"

He turned to her with an odd look on his face, like he couldn't decide if he ought to be amused or insulted.

"I'm sorry," she said again. "I was a bit distracted earlier in the parlour, and nobody has said your name since," Lily explained, feeling like she was taking patheticness to a new level entirely.

"In the parlour was the first time you had heard my name?" He now had a totally unreadable expression on his face.

"Umm…I guess my parents probably said it last night when they told me, but I was…well…I guess you could say I was overwhelmed and sort of stopped absorbing new information." Bless the darkness for hiding burning cheeks!

"Hang on! Are telling me that you didn't know you were betrothed until just last night!"

Lily nodded and looked at the incredulous expression on his face. "Why? When did you find out?"

"It's just always been a given at our house. I knew since I was a little kid."

Throat tightening, she just looked away. She was the only one that had been in the dark. Nice.

He gave a low sigh and stepped over to the swing, taking one of the chains in his hand.

"Hey." Bending a bit to get her attention, his eyes sparkled sympathetically. "No wonder you're feeling a little crazy today."

Lily giggled, releasing a breath she'd been holding, and then looked up at him shyly. Standing close behind her now, he was holding both chains and began to rock the swing forwards and back. By keeping her legs still, her bruise wasn't bothered by the seat, and she found it a little comforting.

The rhythmic motion was calming somehow, soothing her overexerted nerves, and Lily found herself allowing him to lead her in some idle chit-chat. Lightweight jokes, meaningless little observations, cute stories; it wasn't much but it was a start. The tension between them gradually began to ease away – not entirely of course, but it was no longer as stifling and Lily started to feel a touch more like herself. He was really all right.

"You never told me your name."

"You're right. I didn't." He had a smirk on his face as he said this, and Lily wondered if he were up to something. He stripped the grin off of his face, but his eyes were still twinkling when her finally said, "My name is Sirius."

"Like the constellation?"

"Yep."

Why she hadn't picked up on an unusual name like that, and why he suddenly seemed awfully pleased with himself, Lily couldn't figure. She had other things to think about. Her leg was starting to hurt again, and she knew she needed to stand up. Digging her toes into the grass she stopped the swing, letting him know she was done. Lily knew that he watched her as she gingerly stood and loosened her muscles.

"I'm a little sore. I had a rough workout today," she offered in explanation. No need for him to wonder if maybe she always moved like an old woman.

"I work out when I'm stressed too," he nodded in commiseration.

"Quidditch?"

"Of course."

"How did I know?" Every wizard was addicted to Quidditch.

"How about you?" he inquired.

"I love Quidditch, but I don't play. I do like to skateboard, though."

"You what?"

"It's an unusual sort of Muggle thing." Feeling a bit better after her stretch, she walked away from him down the path leading into Mrs. Evans' formal rose garden. Walking always cleared her head.

"What? Is Skateboard too Muggle for me to understand or something?" he asked, following.

"That's not what I meant, Sirius. I'm just thinking of the best way to explain it." Glancing back over her shoulder, she saw he was grinning broadly. "A skateboard is a piece of wood with small wheels attached to the bottom. With a skateboard, you can move a lot faster, and do tricks and stuff."

"How do you win?"

Lily laughed at this. It was just like a guy to immediately make everything a competition.

"Well, I don't compete, but some people can. Judges give the skaters scores based on things like how good their moves are, and who wins different races and whatnot. There aren't enough skaters around here for competitions, though." Turning left between the blooming roses, she followed an arching trail away from the flickering lanterns strung near the house.

"Can I see it sometime?" He was still just behind her.

"Sure," Lily shrugged with surprise. Most of her Hogwarts friends were uninterested in the Muggle world; it was then that Lily registered the fact that the Potters had arrived in a Muggle car. "You can even try it yourself if you want."

"Cool! Is it very hard to learn?"

"The basics aren't hard if you have good balance and a little bit of muscle. I can teach you."

"Awesome! When can we start?"

"Whenever you want."

"Right now?"

Lily stopped and pivoted to face him, questioning. He looked immensely more excited than she had expected.

"Umm…no." His face fell and she explained, laughing. "It's too dark for a first lesson!" She watched as his lip jutted out into a little pout. "Besides, you don't even have a skateboard yet!"

The pouting lip grew and he whined, "But Lily, you said 'Whenever I wanted'!"

Both laughing now, Lily turned to walk again. "Stop acting like a kid, Sirius."

"But I am a kid. An overly large kid…but still a kid."

"How old are you, anyway?"

"Twenty-one. How old are you?"

Good grief. While Lily had already surmised that he was older than she was, it surprised her to find out that he was, in fact, six whole years older. She couldn't help but wonder if he knew how young she was.

"How old do you think I am?"

"What will I win?"

"Win?" What was he talking about now?

"You know, if I'm right about your age, what will you give me?"

Pausing as she stroked a pretty yellow blossom, Lily peered at him over her shoulder. "I'll give you free skating lessons," she said.

"Nope." He was positively beaming. "You've already offered that earlier, and I accepted, so you'll have to pick something else."

When he winked at her, Lily felt the heat rising in her face. He was awfully close, her brain was starting to lock up; that couldn't be good.

"I…I can't think of something else." Panic whistles were sounding in her head.

"I'm sure there's something I'd like." He was whispering now in a low voice, leaning down, very close to her ear.

"Like what?" Inhale. Exhale. Swallow. Inhale. Exhale. Swall-…

"How about a little kiss?"

Step away! Step away!

"Oh! Umm…why-…why would you want that?" Trying to stop trembling, Lily extracted herself from the rosebush that she had bumped into during her little escape. She emerged unscathed.

Eyes twinkling with kind amusement, he followed her up a few shallow stair steps, deeper into the garden until they entered a small sitting area. With a bit more space to breathe, Lily started to calm down. _That_ was certainly unexpected.

"Why wouldn't I want a kiss?" he wondered, amused.

"Because…I don't know. Because you've only just met me." It sounded more like a question than a statement.

"True, but pretty girls can work a strange magic with moonlight and roses."

"Magic isn't allowed in the summer." Lily almost laughed out loud over how dumb her knee-jerk response was. Maybe it was weird enough, though, to steer him to safer conversation topics.

He was smiling when she glanced over at him.

Not to be deterred, he said, "I like you an awful lot more than I expected to, Lily."

"I'm fifteen," she blurted out, desperate to change the subject.

"Huh?" That threw him off.

Distinctly uncomfortable, she started fidgeting with her hands and pacing. "I turned fifteen in April."

"Oh? I thought you were going to let me guess."

"Would you have guessed right?"

"I was going to say seventeen."

Lily smirked. "You would have lost any way."

He leaned a hip against the birdbath and watched her. "You didn't give me a chance to try." For some reason, he actually looked disappointed.

"Sorry." She wasn't, really, but hoped he wouldn't notice. "It's a big age difference, don't you think?"

"It won't really be a big deal by the time we're married."

Lily froze mid-fidget; that was something she needed to clear up. "I never said I was going to marry you."

He blinked and straightened up. "Pardon me?"

"You heard me." She needed to move. Lily strode out of the clearing and down a pathway; she was descending the short steps when he caught up with her.

"Er…Lily…" He was following her again; couldn't he take a hint? "I'm not sure you're quite grasping this whole Betrothal concept."

"I think I understand it perfectly," she shot over her shoulder as she continued forward.

"Then you realise that we _will_ be getting married in a few years – to each other."

"No we won't. Nobody can force me to take the vows."

"It's a binding magical agreement; a done deal." Lily could hear his voice getting stressed.

"I'm not going to marry someone that I don't love." End of story.

"Love can be learned."

"It can also be elusive." Turning right, she brushed her arm against a thorny branch and flinched.

"Do you know what would happen if you break the contract?"

"I really don't care."

"Now you're being childish."

They exited the rose garden onto the lawn and Lily turned to face him again. "I'm being honest."

"You're being stubborn!" Rubbing his hair with his hand, he took a few steps away from her in irritation, dragging the hand down his face. A few deep breaths later, he walked towards her with his hand out, his voice softer, more pleading. "Please don't make this more difficult than it has to be. There's no way around it. Why won't you just accept it?"

He looked kind of pathetic standing there, hair already falling back into his face, looking down at her with a sad sort of passion. That's when it hit her: the solution she was waiting for.

"Tell you what," she said, crossing her arms. "I'll make you a deal." Lily paused dramatically and he nodded for her to continue. "For my part, I'm willing to keep an open mind."

He had hooked his hands on his pockets and moved a bit closer to her. "And for my part?"

"For your part," she announced, "you can try to persuade me to go through with the marriage." Brilliant.

"What do you think I'm doing right now?"

"Well, if this is persuasion," she said, looking him up and down, "then you aren't doing a very good job of it, are you?"

"All right then, Lily," he sighed in defeat. "What's it going to take?"

"I imagine that your best bet would be to convince me to fall in love with you." Still standing with her arms crossed, she watched for his response.

He cocked an eyebrow and the corner of his mouth started twitching with a smile. "That may be an interesting challenge."

"Interesting or not, I think you'll definitely find it a challenge."

Silence enveloped them for a moment, each considering the course before them.

"Deal?"

"Deal."

"James, darling!" A sweet voice called from the back door. "James, it's about time to say goodnight."

"Coming, mum," he answered back.

"James?" Lily dropped her arms and looked at him in confusion. "James? Why did you tell me your name was Sirius?" Of all the weird names…

He shrugged, ruffling his hair, and grinned. "I thought it was funny."

Lily couldn't help but laugh – it just sort of bubbled up like a fountain and kept coming, whether she liked it or not. It was just so ridiculous. She hadn't laughed so hard all day.

James grinned like an idiot as he listened to her laughter, obviously pleased that she was taking his joke so well. When she regained her composure, Lily watched him reach into his vest pocket and withdraw a small gardenia blossom - the very same one that he had offered her earlier. It still looked quite fresh – probably a Preservation Charm.

Holding up the flower, he tucked it into the hair next to her ear murmuring, "Think weddings, not funerals." He stepped back and smiled. "Goodnight, Lily."

"Goodnight, Sirius."


	4. Learning the Basics

Chapter 4: Learning the Basics 

The garage door was wide open and Lily tucked her sunglasses into a pocket as she coasted inside. James was jogging along just behind her. Approaching the yellow haired boy at the workbench, Lily grinned. "Hiya, Michael!"

Mike looked up from an entirely disassembled something-or-other that was spread out on the bench. "Hey, Lil."

"Mike, this is my new friend I was telling you about." She leaned on the workbench as Mike got up, stool scraping against the floor.

"Hi! Mike Johnson."

"James Potter."

During the few days since the Potter's first visit to the Evans' home, Lily had filled Mike in on as much information about James as she was ready to divulge. James' family was friends with her family, and he had a bit of a crush on her; she was magnanimous enough to let him hang around a bit during the summer. That was the story she gave Mike anyway. While it may not have been the whole story (and Mike was well aware that it wasn't) it was close enough for the time being.

"This one should work for you." The boys were sifting through a box full of used skateboards and related gear, discussing the different pieces and parts. "The joint guards look stupid, but you should wear them your first time out. You don't want to get hurt."

Earlier that morning, James had turned back up at the Evans' for his first skateboarding lesson; Lily was surprised to see him again so soon, but it appeared he really was anxious to try it out. A touch sceptical of his motives, she had brought him to the Johnson's to borrow a board, hoping Mike would be up for joining in the lesson. Lily wasn't keen on the idea of spending more time alone with James just yet. It was easy to see that he could be a nice friend, and he was certainly good looking, but his flirting had made her very uncomfortable the other night and she was anxious to avoid another situation like that. She did not want his attentions, but she'd promised to keep an open mind. She had not, however, promised to hand him any opportunities.

James stepped onto the skateboard and wobbled back and forth. He leaned back and the board flew out from under him. His arms went flailing and his backside landed with a thud on the concrete. "Owwww!" Groaning, he massaged his tailbone and rolled over, trying to get back to his feet. With sympathetic giggles, the others helped him up once again.

"I forgot to tell you," Lily said. "You can expect a lot of that today!"

"Great," James replied. He watched her glide in an easy circle around him. "Shouldn't I have some kind of pad to strap onto my backside then?"

"I'm sure we could rig something up to protect your tooshie," Lily giggled, "but then you'd be all by yourself, because we'd be too embarrassed to be seen in public with you!"

"Aww, thanks! Aren't you nice!"

"That's my Lily!" Mike said. "All the compassion of a hungry rhinoceros!"

"I have compassion!" Lily cried. "I just happen to remember when we learned to skateboard! That wasn't exactly pretty!"

"What happened," James asked, holding out his arms for balance.

"One Christmas, we begged and begged until our parents ordered us both our first skateboards. We'd seen them on television, and had this great idea that skateboards would give us super speed, and that super speed would help us escape this bully that had been giving us a hard time." Grabbing both of James' wrists, Lily started walking backwards, pulling James forward, his legs rigid on the board.

"Really," Mike said, "we wanted to play tricks on him and still get away in one piece!"

"So what?" Lily waved away the accusation. "That was just because he was so mean to us! Anyway, there wasn't anybody around to teach us what to do, so we sort of made it up as we went along."

"You should have seen it! Lil looked totally ridiculous!"

"Me?" She stopped and put her hands on her hips. "You were the one who rolled backwards all the way down that hill on Second Street and into the Rucker's pond!"

"I didn't know how to stop!"

"All you had to do was jump off!"

"I did jump off! I jumped in the pond!"

When Lily had released James to argue with Mike, she didn't notice that he continued rolling - inertia carrying him straight out of the garage.

"Yeah, sure," Lily retorted. "You planned that landing real carefully didn't you!"

A honking car drew her attention to the street just in time to witness James narrowly escaping a panelled station wagon and crashing onto the opposite driveway. Mike and Lily sprinted across the street.

"Way to initiate the new guy, Lil! Throw him in front of a car."

"Shut-up!" Although it may have been true that Lily had hoped James would leave her alone, she really wasn't trying to cause him any bodily harm.

Stepping onto the curb, Lily was surprised to find James laughing. "That was amazing!"

"Are you okay?" Lily asked, kneeling beside him.

"Yeah, these pad things work great; didn't hurt at all!"

"You know what Lily?" Mike straightened up and nodded with approval. "I think our boy JP here may just have what it takes!"

Luckily for Lily, she did manage to convince Mike to help her teach James the basics of skateboarding, and the official lesson commenced. By the time the three had inched their way to the end of Mendelton Way, James was looking much more comfortable with the fluid motion he was learning, and they started to pick up a bit more speed, winding their way through the neighbourhood.

"So how long have you two known each other, anyway?" James asked. He plopped down onto a bench while Lily and Mike stretched out on a shady patch of lawn.

Lily scrunched up her nose. "Our parents have been friends since the beginning of time, and we've always lived in this neighbourhood, so I guess we've been friends since I was born."

"Lily was the ugliest baby you ever saw," Mike said.

"Whatever." Lily flung her arm over to whack him in the stomach. "I was the cutest baby on earth." Her mother always said so.

"Don't listen to her. When she was born she was as bald as a football, and screamed like a banshee."

"Like you would remember," Lily said. "You're only a year older than me."

"Are you calling me a liar?"

"You better believe it."

"If you're going to be that way about it, I'm leaving." Mike scrambled to his feet and reached for his board.

Lily sat up. "You aren't really going are you?" she asked. What was his problem?

Mike laughed. He was just messing with her head again. She should have known. "Actually," he said, "I do have to scram. I've got a date with Suzette soon."

"Oh, please! I can't believe you'd rather go snog Suzy when you could be hanging out with me!"

"You're just jealous that I have a girlfriend and you don't."

"I don't need a girlfriend. I've already got a very nice boyfriend, thank you very much."

"Yeah, but I'll bet Matt's not as cute as Suzy."

"That's true, but I wouldn't go out with a guy that was prettier than me anyway!"

Laying his board on the street, Mike winked at her. "I doubt that'll be much of a problem. It was cool meeting you James," he said turning to face him. "You can hang onto that gear for a while – I won't need it anytime soon."

"Thanks," James nodded, standing to shake his hand. "Take it easy."

"You too! Bye, Lil."

"Later."

James was once again sitting on the bench, elbows on his knees, eyes trained on the ground. He looked up at Lily intently. "Since when do you have a boyfriend?"

Quite suddenly, Lily was feeling hot and uncomfortable. "Since three months ago." She crossed her legs and began shredding a blade of grass.

"I didn't know." He was still staring at her.

"You didn't ask."

"I shouldn't have had to ask."

It was only the second time Lily had ever even seen James. Sure their infant friendship was founded on a proposed marriage…but still, they barely knew each other. She didn't owe him anything, especially not personal information about her life. But, then again, just last week she did invite him to try to make her love him. What a mess. While Lily's conscience engaged in silent battle, James continued to watch her.

"Do you love him?" he asked, dark eyes demanding frankness.

"I like him." She knew that her relationship with Matt was not serious, but still, she did like him a lot – Matt was really sweet to her. Looking over at James' impassive face, Lily wondered what he was thinking.

James just nodded wordlessly and changed the subject.

In the weeks that followed, James would come around to the Evans' house once or twice a week. At times he would sit and talk politics with Lily's father in the study; at other times he would flirt good-naturedly with her mother in the kitchen. Mostly however, he would follow Lily around, wherever she happened to be going, because Lily seemed to be a girl of constant motion. He followed her to the Swamp where he nearly broke his neck after charming the wheels on his borrowed skateboard to bounce. He followed her to the beach where he fell asleep in the sun, awakening to find himself buried up to his neck in sand, and hearing Lily giggle as she abandoned him there. He followed her to the mall where he winked shamelessly at all of the mannequins and confused the shopkeepers with peculiar questions. And then he followed her home where her mother always invited him to stay for supper.

He never mentioned Matt. He never mentioned marriage. He never tried to flirt with her. He just got to know her, and Lily respected that. Although she never knew when James might pop in on her, she was no longer surprised when he did; she was getting used to him, and he was even starting to grow on her.

Along about the middle of August, James convinced Lily to let him take her to Diagon Alley. It was not a date. One of his wizard friends was going with them, and they would just be getting her school supplies. That was all.

Facing the mirror, Lily sat atop of the bureau in her bedroom while she combed her hair. She had never been to London without her parents; the trip was going to be a huge step towards independence. Yesterday: Mum and Dad. Today: James and random friend. Tomorrow: no escort needed. The road to adulthood was looking good!

With a thin strip of black leather, Lily tied up her long hair before reaching for a box of make-up. One never knew who might show up in Diagon Alley, so it paid to take the extra time to look sharp. After carefully outlining her green eyes, Lily examined the freckles covering her skin with distaste – they made her look like such a little girl! If she would only stay out of the sun, as her mother liked to suggest, some of the freckles would probably fade.

Lily hopped to the floor, zipped on her black boots, and smoothed out her jeans in front of the mirror. Oh yeah! Definitely looking extra cool. Except for those stupid freckles anyway; maybe she could just pretend they didn't exist.

Gathering her things from the bed, Lily carried herself downstairs to the front porch to wait for James, her excitement building rapidly. She pulled on the black gloves he had given her and admired the look; the leather fingers had been cut off half way down, revealing ten dark red fingernails. Lily grinned; extra, _extra_ cool. Definitely!

Hearing the deep sound approaching, Lily looked up in anticipation, her eyes sparkling. She still couldn't believe that James had sweet-talked her mother into allowing the trip; it was a persuasive feat that had been truly amazing to behold. The sound was becoming louder, Lily was practically bouncing in place, and then, coming around the corner…there they were: two gorgeous motorcycles. The Evans' driveway had never been so blessed.

Coming to a halt in front of her, the throbbing engines were cut off and the young bikers dismounted, grinning at Lily's obvious admiration.

"Hey there! Ready to roll?" Pulling off the red bandanna that was wrapped around his head, James messed his hair thoroughly with his hand.

"Totally!" Was he kidding? Of course she was ready!

Strolling up from behind him was a shaggy haired young man looking at Lily with curiosity. "This must be the lucky Lily!" He continued forward until he was very close to her; he smelled like leather and was simply exuding virility. "Prongs," he called, smiling. "You didn't tell me she was so cute! You've been holding out on me!" Winking at Lily, he put his arm around her waist and began leading her towards the motorcycles. "Want to ride with me today, sugar?"

Lily didn't trust herself to do anything but blush wildly. James just rolled his eyes and came to her rescue.

"Don't be an idiot, Padfoot! She doesn't want to ride with you." Lily wasn't quite so sure about that, but if James said so…

"Lily, this atrocious beast is called Sirius."

"Sirius?" She looked between them. "Yeah right. I'm not falling for that again."

"Huh?" The 'atrocious beast' looked adorably confused.

James, however, was shaking with laughter. "No! He really is Sirius!"

"Look. I don't know how many Sirius' I can keep track of. Can't you come up with something original?"

"How many Sirius' do you happen to know?" the adorable beast asked.

"Counting the both of you: two."

"Look, Prongs, I know I'm your idol and everything," he said to James, with mock exasperation, "but this is starting to get ridiculous. You can't go around pretending to be me! I mean, honestly mate, you just don't have the hair for it!"

James was laughing even harder than before.

"Do you know who he really is?" Pointing at James, he leaned down to whisper in Lily's ear.

"A hag in disguise?" Lily asked, whispering also.

The real Sirius beamed with delight at her unexpected response. "That's it! You've guessed it!" He then exclaimed to James, "Your secret's out Prongs! She'll never fancy you now!"

Blushing at his last comment, Lily turned to Sirius. "If that's true, then I'm definitely riding with you!"

It wasn't long before James was helping Lily onto the back of his motorcycle. She slid onto the leather seat, pressing her lower back against the short sissy bar, while James warned her against touching the hot pipes with her leg. He handed her a black cotton scarf, instructing her to tie it around her head.

"It's got about a hundred protective spells," he said.

"So it works like a helmet?"

"Those plastic things Muggles strap on?" James raised an eyebrow at her as he swung his leg over the saddle in front of her. "Nah! This protects your whole body. With it on, if there was an accident, you could slide a hundred metres on red-hot asphalt and not get a scratch." He was retying his own bandanna, tucking thick chunks of hair underneath the edge.

"You should have told my mother that," she laughed. "It would have saved you a lot of time convincing her to let me come!"

"Maybe," he smiled over his shoulder, "but where's the fun in that?"

The engines were fired up and the loud rumbling had Lily's excitement escalating once again. It was time to ride; she had been looking forward to it all week! Sirius revved his engine, winked devilishly at Lily, and then took off.

"Hold on tight," advised James. Lily placed her hands on each side of his waist; she was definitely feeling a little weird about that.

Next thing she knew, they were racing up the street, gaining on Sirius. Lily was aware that she was grinning stupidly, but who cared? When James opened up the throttle, she tightened her grip as the bike charged forward even faster. Shops and cars and trees and old ladies walking their dogs were all whizzing past in a thrilling blur. It was even better than she had expected! Stomach tingling, Lily wondered why anyone bothered with cars at all: a motorbike was definitely the way to get around!

The road snaked and curved and propelled them straight out of town. Miles sped away. Life was beautiful.

Aggressively handling a bend in the road, James glanced back at Lily before putting on a burst of speed. He drew even with Sirius and the boys gave each other a sideways look and a short nod. They were up to something.

A mysterious tickling sensation swirled over Lily's body, and she gasped when she saw Sirius, motorcycle and all, disappear with a flicker and a snap. When the vibrations of the bike lessened, Lily looked down only to slam her eyes shut. If she had been expecting anything at all, she certainly had not expected to find herself rising into the sky.

James pressed a gloved hand over hers on his stomach, attracting Lily's attention, and she noticed that she was gripping James awfully tightly around the middle. He looked back at her with apparent concern.

"You okay?" He had to shout over the rushing wind as they ascended still.

Embarrassed, she nodded, leaving her face scrunched up into the back of his leather jacket. Of course she was okay! Just spiffing, actually! Why wouldn't she be? It wasn't like she was still afraid of heights or anything. She hadn't been afraid of heights in years. Not that she had been measurably high off the ground in years either…but still!

"Want to go back down?"

She shook her head in a vigorous negative. Nobody who knew her had ever called Lily Evans a chicken, and she wasn't about to act like one.

"You sure? I don't mind." James obviously thought Lily was frightened. Time to clear that little misunderstanding right up.

Without opening her eyes, Lily loosened her hold on James, pulling her hand out from beneath his. "I'm fine!" She straightened up her head and took a deep breath, reminding herself that this was really just like riding on the street - only minus the street. Her friends were going to completely die when she told them about riding a flying motorcycle; too bad she couldn't tell Mike.

Lily pried her eyes open and could see James' proud smile. Looking out, she saw that they were zooming over marshmallow clouds in the bright sunshine. It really was pretty. James seemed at ease in the sky, and Lily started to really relax. She watched as they passed a large snowy owl and wondered what kind of message it could be delivering. Through an occasional space between the clouds she could see minuscule towns bustling with even tinier activity. It wasn't bad at all; it was actually kind of nice.

"Hang on, Lily!"

Lily tightened her hold on James just before he took them into a steep dive through a hole in the cloud cover. They were just below the clouds, where it was much colder, and Lily could see the city of London sprawling beneath. Gracefully descending, they soon were skimming the rooftops while James appeared to look for the right street.

"Won't the Muggles see us?" Lily was getting concerned.

"They can't. We're invisible."

Dipping between two office buildings, James turned into an alleyway and touched down. Sirius flickered into view just in front of them. When James flipped a switch, a tickling sensation washed over Lily's body for the second time that day. They had probably just reappeared as well.

They rounded out into the next street and wove through traffic for a few blocks before turning down a dingy, narrow road. Lily read the posted signs warning, "Hazardous Area" and, "Road Closed" before she realised that they were heading straight for a large wooden fence.

Sirius disappeared into the graffiti and Lily relaxed. It was obviously some sort of back entrance. Seconds later, Lily was indeed taking in the sights and sounds and smells and general chaos of a distinctly magical community. Diagon Alley at last!

"So Lily," said James, pulling up next to Sirius at the corner. "Where to first?"


	5. You are Everything

Chapter 5: You Are Everything 

Lily found that cruising Diagon Alley on the back of a motorcycle was a rather bumpy experience. Lucky for her, James managed to go slow enough that the bumps did not distract her from the busy task of watching everything in sight.

A head of white blonde hair caught her attention and Lily smirked, leaning forward to whisper in James' ear. "Arch enemy at one o'clock!" She saw him look up, scanning the group of teenage girls near a storefront.

"Hey Marissa!" Lily called. The blonde turned, and Lily saw her eyes widen in surprise as she took in the image of Lily Evans…on a motorbike…with a very good-looking older guy. It was priceless.

"What was that?" James wondered after they had passed the girls.

"I happen to know that I look exceptionally cool at the moment. I was just making sure she noticed." She could feel James shake with silent laughter, choosing not to comment. They pulled up in front of Quality Quidditch Supplies and dismounted.

"Why'd they have to pass that stupid ordinance against flying in the Alley," Sirius complained. "These cobblestones are murdering my shocks." He dropped his kickstand and inspected his bike.

"You do realise," James said, "that the only reason they passed it was to stop _you_ from racing through here like a bat out of hell."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Bunch of killjoys running this place!"

Lily had already been dragging James and Sirius up and down Diagon Alley for a couple of hours, collecting what she needed for her return to Hogwarts, and generally having a brilliant time shopping without her parents. While she didn't exactly need Quidditch supplies, the guys, predictably, wanted to stop by, and she was glad to oblige.

A crowd of young wizards were gawking at the latest model in broomsticks, while a pompous salesman explained the newest features to their fathers. Edging around them unnoticed, Lily worked her way to the back and started thumbing through a rack of slick Quidditch magazines.

Pulling out a copy of _The Perfect Pitch_, Lily practically choked. Splashed across the cover was the headline "Quidditch King Carries Cannons to Claim the Cup" along with a giant photo of none other than James Potter.

"So this is where you've been hiding." A deep voice sounded over Lily's shoulder, and she looked up.

James was frowning down at the magazine in her hands. He was still wearing his dark riding glasses and head-wrap. How could James possibly be a Quidditch professional, let alone a star player? Wouldn't she have known? Lily blinked and looked back at the cover; that was definitely James – corny smile and all.

"I didn't know." She turned her face back up to his.

"I know."

"You should've told me."

"Why?" He was amused, but Lily wasn't. She felt like an idiot.

"I don't know. You just…should have." He really should have told her. Wasn't he supposed to be trying to impress her or something?

"It never came up."

"Really James," Lily insisted, "why didn't you tell me?"

"You didn't ask."

White-hot embarrassment washed over her as Lily realised that she had, in fact, never even bothered to ask what kind of job he had.

"I'm sorry." She really was. Did she always act so self-centred?

"Don't worry about it." He tipped up her chin and pulled his dark glasses down so that he could look her in the eyes. "I kind of liked having a friend that I was sure didn't like me just for my Chasing. Doesn't happen every day, you know."

"I'm…are we friends?" she asked. It had never occurred to Lily that James considered her one of his friends. If she had ever stopped to think about it, she probably would have classified James as one of the 'cool adults' in her life…but as a friend?

His face fell. "I like to think so," he said. "I hope I'm not wrong."

They'd been hanging out during the summer and, come to think of it, they had shared several fairly deep chats. She laughed a lot when he was around, too. While she had never actually moved him, mentally speaking, into the 'friends' category of her mind, Lily had to admit that he fit all of the requirements. Would wonders never cease?

"I guess you're right. We are friends. I just hadn't really thought about it before."

James smiled and nodded towards the front of the store. "Come on, let's get out of here. We still need to hit the apothecary and the bookstore."

Lily allowed James to lead her on what he referred to as a 'quest for potion ingredients' while she wondered what other surprises her Quidditch playing 'friend' could be hiding.

Inside the apothecary, Lily placed her order and began wandering about the shop. It was creepy in there, and she felt goosebumps rise on her arms as she passed row after row of nauseating jars. She stopped to stare at what was probably the vilest sight she'd ever laid her eyes on. Something dark and lumpy was floating in a humongous jar of what looked like yellowish pus.

"That's disgusting!" Lily felt completely revolted; bile was starting to rise in her throat, but she still couldn't look away. She just stared, transfixed, as it pulsated. "What _is_ it?"

"You really, _really_ don't want to know! Trust me." That was a very familiar voice!

Spinning around to face him, Lily was enveloped in a hug.

"Matt! I didn't even see you!"

"I know," he said, taking her hand. "But you were so cute standing there, talking to a jar, I didn't want to interrupt."

"I wasn't talking to the jar."

"Okay." Matt rolled his eyes. "You were talking to the unknown object inside the jar."

"Eww! No, I wasn't talking to that either!"

"Who were you talking to then?" he asked, amused.

"Umm…myself?" Lily grinned up at him.

"Hmm…they say that's the first sign of insanity."

"Is it?" Lily smiled. "I thought it was a sign of genius."

"This must be Matt." James was marching over, offering a hand in greeting. Matt dropped Lily's hand to shake his, and James continued cheerily. "I've heard plenty about you already." What was James talking about? She never brought up Matt around him.

"Hey! You…you're James Potter!" Matt was perking up with the genuine excitement of a Quidditch addict.

"That's right." James had removed his sunglasses.

"I saw you at the World Cup last week! That was totally awesome the way you pulled off the…"

Entirely forgotten, Lily was becoming impatient. She hadn't seen Matt all summer and now he was ignoring her to talk about Quidditch. James probably did that on purpose, the little git.

Interrupting what was likely a riveting discussion on integrated Seeker/Chaser tactics, Lily grabbed Matt by the elbow, offered a firm "excuse us" to James, and dragged Matt away to another section of the apothecary that looked more private.

Matt had a dreamy smile on his face. "Did you see that? I was talking to James Potter. James Potter! He's only the best Chaser the league has ever seen! I was actually talking to him – hey, wait a minute! How do you know him?"

They were surrounded by shelves full of jarred eyeballs that all seemed to be watching them; Lily shuddered.

"Friend of the family," she replied.

"Really? That's so cool! Did you know that he…"

"Matt!" Lily couldn't take much more.

"What?"

She glanced nervously over her shoulder to see a jar of small yellowish eyes staring back.

"Can you stop with the Quidditch talk? Please?"

"I thought you liked Quidditch."

"I do, but I don't want to talk about it right now."

"What do you want to talk about?"

Didn't he notice those horrible red eyeballs next to his face, gawking at her?

"I missed you," Lily sighed.

"Aww, Lily, I missed you too," he answered, giving her another hug.

"Have you been having fun staying with your aunt in London?"

Matt shrugged. "It's okay. Gets kind of boring, though. I've ended up having a lot of time to wander around on my own."

"Really?" Wow. Her parents would light their hair on fire before they would let her roam London unsupervised!

"It was cool at first, but it gets pretty dull after a while. I did make a few new Muggle friends though. They're okay to hang out with."

Shiny black eyes were now peering up from a tiny jar at her elbow; Lily tried to shake the creepy feeling.

"I haven't had an owl from you in a while." Lily was hesitant to bring that up.

"I know. I'm sorry, there just wasn't really much to say."

Didn't he mention earlier to James that he had been to see the World Cup? Since when was the Quidditch World Cup 'not much' to Matt Corner? He was so lazy sometimes. Eyeballs watched as she shrugged off the thought.

"I've got a letter waiting to send you back with your owl," she said, "but you'll have to send him first. You know I don't have one."

"I can't wait to read it! I promise I'll write just as soon as I get home tonight."

Lily rubbed the back of her neck; something else was staring at her now.

"So, anything new been happening with you this summer?" Matt inquired.

"Nah. Same old thing. You know how it is," Lily answered, still rubbing her neck.

"Yeah. Look, I'm glad I got to see you Lily, but I have to get going. I've got to meet somebody in a few minutes. I'm really sorry."

"It's okay, my friends are waiting for me anyway."

"I'll see you in a couple of weeks then." Matt squeezed Lily's hand and turned to go.

"Bye." She watched as he disappeared around a shelf of extra large Salamander eyes, which were staring at her too.

"Stop looking at me like that!"

By the time Lily's order of potion ingredients was finally filled, she was feeling completely creeped-out by the whole shop. All of the ingredients were so gross; no wonder she was horrible in Potions.

"Where's James?"

Sirius was leaning against the doorframe, waiting for her. "Flourish and Blotts. He decided to duck out in time to miss the snog session."

"We weren't having a snog session!" she said a little too loudly as she followed him out onto the sidewalk.

Sirius didn't try to hide his broad grin. "Sure you weren't."

"We weren't! We never do that!" Oh dear. Did she just say that out loud?

"Never?" His eyebrow lifted in suspicion.

"Umm…" Not exactly a conversation she wanted to be having, Lily tried to work out a graceful escape.

"That's what I thought!" He smirked at her silence and began ambling down the street towards the bookstore.

"No! It's not what you thought."

"Then tell me how it is, sugar." Placing a long arm around her shoulders, Sirius stopped and looked at her expectantly. She wasn't getting out of it. The man had no mercy whatsoever.

"Well, we've, umm…kissed some, but not like what you're talking about." How embarrassing could a conversation possibly get?

"I see. You mean a little bit of puckering, but no tongue action, eh?" Did he have to say that out loud? She'd never talked so frankly with a guy about kissing and Lily thought her face was about to burn right off.

Seeing her discomfort, Sirius softened up a bit. "So, why not, sugar? He's got dragon breath or something?"

Lily giggled. "No, not really."

"Well?"

"Well…." Why did he care so much anyway? She couldn't bring herself to look at him. "I just didn't want to, okay?" That was true enough.

"Didn't want to?"

"That's right, I didn't want to." Is it so hard to believe? She looked at him at last.

"He's definitely not right for you," he said matter-of-factly.

"Excuse me?"

"Hate to break it to you," he said, tightening his grip on her shoulder, "but it's no good wasting your time with somebody that doesn't turn you on."

"I'm attracted to him!"

"Then why don't you want to snog him?"

Remembering the last few months of school, when Lily and Matt had started going out, Lily cringed. She knew precisely why she hadn't let Matt get very far in that particular area. Only her best friend knew that there was another guy at Hogwarts who enjoyed harassing Lily on the sly. He would make disgusting comments and try to touch her in nasty ways. Not having seen him in a couple of months had allowed Lily to put him out of her mind and begin to loosen up again, but for a while there, she hadn't been able to stand having any guys too close to her – not even Matt.

Lily was not, however, going to be telling Sirius any of that. It was definitely time for a subject change.

"I really don't want to talk about it." Straightforward and to the point.

"Fair enough." Sirius looked a bit startled, but decided not to push her any further. He dropped his arm from her shoulder.

Continuing their walk to Flourish and Blotts, Lily wanted to break the uncomfortable silence. "I remember you from Hogwarts." Lily had not intended to bring this up, but it was all she could think of on the fly, and it was much safer than the previous topic.

"Really?" He looked at her in surprise. "What year are you going into again?"

"Fifth. I was a first year when you were a seventh year."

"And you're a Gryffindor, right?"

She nodded, and they stopped at a corner to wait for a line of wagons to cross.

Sirius seemed to be racking his brain. "Did we ever talk to each other?"

"Once."

"When?"

"It's kind of embarrassing. I think I ticked you off one time." Stuffing her hands into her pockets, Lily started across the street.

"Aww, come on, sugar, tell me," he entreated. Following her, he reminded her of a child begging for a new toy.

Fidgeting with her fingers, Lily looked away. "There was this one time that I yelled at you when you were hexing a littler kid."

He looked at her for a moment, as if he was replaying the incident in his head, and then he broke out into laughter.

"I remember now! I was completely staggered when this fiery little Gryffindor squirt started chewing me out! That was you!" He seemed delighted.

The bookstore came into view on the other side of the street. Pausing under a window awning, Lily confessed the real reason she had been reluctant to remind him of the incident. "You looked so mad; I thought for sure you were going to murder me."

"Oh, I wouldn't go that far, but I probably was mad; I have a bit of a temper myself." Sirius chuckled. "I remember, though, that I was mostly embarrassed."

"Really? Why?" That was unexpected.

"Here I was, this big, bad seventh-year, and a cute, little firstie comes along and gives me the same telling off that I'd had from James the week before." He smiled, shaking his head. "Bit of a turning point for me, actually," he added.

"I barely remember James," Lily mused. "I don't think we ever spoke two words to each other."

"That was a rough year for James. Except for his Head Boy junk, he kept a pretty low profile."

James appeared on the sidewalk in front of Flourish and Blotts. Exiting the doorway, he sat on top of a crate against the wall, kicking his feet morosely. Lily and Sirius watched him for a moment in silence.

"You mean everything to him, you know," he said.

Lily shook head in unbelief. "James and I have only known each other for less than two months. How could he possibly be in love with me?"

"I didn't say he was in love with you," he corrected. "I said you mean everything to him." Sirius returned his gaze to James. "In fact, you _are_ everything to him; his future, his happiness, his life…everything."

How could Lily Evans be _everything_ to anybody, especially James? Sirius wasn't making any sense.

James finally noticed that Sirius and Lily were standing across the street. Seeing that they were Matt-free, he beckoned them over, a corny smile growing on his face.


	6. Friends and Enemies

Chapter 6: Friends and Enemies 

"Check. Check. Got that. And that. Mmhmm. Check. I think that's it!" Rather pleased with herself, Lily refolded her school list and stuffed it into her back pocket, looking up at James and Sirius.

"Are you trying to say you're ready to go home?"

Lily looked askance. "No way! We still haven't…we need to…" What exactly it was that they hadn't done remained a mystery as Lily trailed off, staring avidly at a pretty dark-skinned girl passing the bookstore window.

A happy smile lit up her face, and she was off. Lily sprinted out of the bookstore and down the sidewalk, slowing to a saunter just behind the unsuspecting girl.

"Max Trenton or Scott Diggory?"

At the sound of Lily's clear voice, the girl stopped walking and turned. "Scott."

The two girls stood, sizing one another up for a brief moment, before bursting into laughter and embracing, oblivious to the foot traffic they were blocking on the sidewalk.

"I missed you so much!"

"I missed you too, Laura," Lily said. "I can't wait for school to start!"

"I know! Still two more weeks!"

"Aaah! That's too long!"

"Way too long," Laura agreed. She released Lily and looked over her friend's face with pleasure.

"I don't know how much longer I can manage without you," Lily said.

Gazing past Lily's shoulder, Laura started tapping her cheek (their secret signal that a hot guy was approaching.) She was tapping with two fingers (two guys.) Turning to look, Lily rolled her eyes; it was only James and Sirius catching up with Lily, her forgotten textbooks in tow.

Thanking them for bringing her books, Lily began to introduce her friends. "This is Laura Thomas: fellow Gryffindor and best friend of yours truly. Laura, this is James and this is Sirius."

Lily left it at that for the time being. She had, in their correspondence, told Laura a bit about James coming around her house so much – basically the same story she had given Mike – and indicated that there was more to the story that she would explain in person. With much difficulty, Lily had decided against trying to explain the betrothal to Laura in a letter; it was big enough news to warrant waiting for a face-to-face, uninterrupted, all-out gab-fest.

Laura smiled at Lily and turned to James. "You must be the 'James' that Lily's been telling me about in her letters." He immediately lit up with a smile and Lily's jaw dropped.

"Oh, and what has she been saying?" Sirius asked. He leaned in, not bothering to hide his amusement.

Opening her mouth to reply, Laura paused when she noticed that Lily was glaring with irritation. James wasn't supposed to know she'd been writing about him! As horrified as she was, Lily knew that it wasn't Laura's fault that she didn't know the whole story. Lily pulled on her ear (I'll explain later) and decided to retake control of the conversation.

"Are you here by yourself?" Lily asked.

"No, mum and dad are somewhere around here." Glancing at her watch, Laura added, "I'm supposed to be meeting them up at Eeylops Owl Emporium right now, actually."

"Do you think they'd let you hang out a little longer?" Lily asked.

"Come on, and I'll ask them."

Lily turned to James and Sirius. "Is that okay with you guys?"

"You're the boss today, sugar," Sirius answered.

"We still have a while before we need to head back," James added. "If we aren't out of here by seven, though, your mum will have my head on a platter."

"Oh, come on, James," Lily said, "if she flips out on you, you know that Sirius has got your back!"

"What? You won't save him?"

"Are you kidding? I know enough to stay on the other side of town when she's like that!"

They entered the dim owl shop; Laura spotted her parents and ran over to them while the others browsed and waited. Picking up a bag of owl treats for Fluffy, Laura's owl who was kept rather busy with their correspondence, Lily paused to caress a lovely reddish-brown owl. She was nuzzling Lily's hand with her soft head and hooting affectionately.

"Aren't you a sweet thing," Lily cooed.

"Thanks, you're awfully sweet too," said James, sidling up next to her. What a goof-ball.

"That's a matter of opinion," she commented. "Some people think I'm about as sweet as Stinksap."

"Have you ever tasted Stinksap?" He looked at her sideways and she could see laughter bursting from his eyes. While James could usually suppress a laugh in his throat, his eyes never quite co-operated.

"Definitely not," she answered, disgusted. What kind of demented person would taste Stinksap?

"Then how do you know it's not sweet?" Reaching out to stroke the owl, his hand bumped against hers.

Lily stuffed her hand into her pocket, shifting her feet. "Haven't you ever smelled it?"

"Sure, it stinks," James admitted. He continued to stroke the owl's ruddy feathers. "But how do you know that's not just to throw people off? It might taste good."

Didn't he have any common sense? "Have _you_ ever tasted stink sap?"

"No. Definitely not." Shaking his head, he smiled as he imitated her words.

"Would you ever taste it?"

His eyes lit up. "Do I hear a challenge?"

"If it were, would you do it?" Maybe James was wild enough to try.

"I always take a challenge," he boasted.

"Then no, it's not a challenge." Lily returned her attention to the owl. "If you ate Stinksap, you'd probably stink forever and then I wouldn't want you around me."

"So you _do_ want me!"

Lily rolled her eyes and sighed. "Don't twist my words. All I'm saying is that since I couldn't keep you away if I wanted to, I'd just prefer it if you didn't smell bad."

"Then I'll gladly refrain from eating Stinksap. No sacrifice is too great for my Lily."

She couldn't help but giggle. "You're such a goof-ball."

"Aren't you a sweet thing."

"They said it's fine," Laura announced from behind them. "Where should we go?"

"Cool." Lily turned to her friend. "James wanted to buy us all some ice cream."

"When were we talking about ice cream?" He looked completely confused.

"Just now!"

"Wow!" Laura said. "Thank you, James."

"What's James doing now?" Drifting over from where he had been flirting with a giggly sales associate, Sirius stepped up between the girls.

"He offered to buy us all some ice cream."

"Right on. What a mate!"

"No problem," James said. He laughed and shook his head.

"Isn't he sweet?" Laura asked.

"Yeah," Lily giggled. "As sweet as Stinksap!"

Completing their purchases, and saying 'hello/goodbye' to Mr. and Mrs. Thomas, the four made their way across the street to Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlour. With four giant ice creams, compliments of a very 'sweet' James, they settled themselves at a table.

Laura nudged Lily in the ribs, nodding towards the door; Marissa Downey and her clones were slithering into the parlour. Spotting Lily and Laura, Marissa walked over to the table, sneering, while her friends followed closely.

"Well, well, well…"

"That's a deep subject, Marissa," Laura interrupted, "for such a shallow mind."

Marissa didn't quite seem to catch on; she was preoccupied with weightier matters. "So, Lily-the-Loser, how much are you paying them to hang out with you?" she asked, motioning to James and Sirius. They guys both raised their eyebrows.

"Why?" Lily asked. "Looking for a job, Marissa? You should try that pub on the corner. They're looking for a low class hooker." Alright…that wasn't exactly original, but it was still good.

Marissa's eyes narrowed with even greater loathing. "Speaking of sluts, you stay away from Black this year. He's mine, and I won't have a little mudblood whore like you getting in my way."

Growling, James and Sirius both stood, drawing their wands. Before they could say a word, Lily put out her hand and glared, silently warning them to stay out of it as she stood to face Marissa head-on. The girl was really too much.

Lily's voice was cold and deliberate. "As flattered as I am to hear you finally admitting that I could take any guy I wanted away from you, I'm disgusted that you think I would want that bastard. As far as I'm concerned, you can have Black all to your horny little self." Anything to keep his mind off Lily.

"Oh, I will," Marissa said, "and if I hear one word about you toying with him, I will personally see to it that you are very, very sorry."

Toying with him? What in the world had that jerk been going around telling people? "You're getting good, Marissa. 'Sorry' is exactly the right word for anybody who fancies that idiot."

"Say what you like, but I know you want him bad. He's my boyfriend now, though, so you can forget about having a chance."

Lily was speechless. How could Marissa believe something so absurd?

"Sucks to be you, doesn't it?" Marissa quipped, flipping her hair. With that, she and her friends marched back out of the door giggling, thoughts of ice cream forgotten.

"What a stupid tart," Laura muttered, pulling Lily back into her seat.

"Did you hear what she said?" Lily asked. "Does she actually think I fancy that disgusting snake?" Dumbfounded, she stared at Laura. "Is she insane?"

"Of course she is; she's going out with him isn't she?"

"What do you think he's been saying about me? She wouldn't come up with that on her own."

"Don't think about it," Laura said, pushing Lily's ice cream towards her. "Look on the bright side. Maybe she'll distract him well enough to get you some peace for a change."

"But who else is hearing all those lies?" She was beginning to tense with distress. "What if they believe them?" Lily could see her reputation spiralling down the drain before her eyes.

"Lily, listen to me." Laura looked her best friend in the eye. "Nobody with any sense whatsoever will believe for one second that you are going around throwing yourself at Bastard Black. He's a pig! Everybody knows it. Besides, once we get back to school, anybody saying that will get their guts hexed out by the Gryffindors – especially by me and Benji."

"Uuugghh!" Lily groaned loudly and rubbed her face. "Hasn't he done enough? I just wish he'd leave me alone!"

"Who's this that's bothering you?" At Sirius' strained voice, Lily looked up. She had forgotten that James and Sirius were even there.

"What?"

"Who are you talking about, Lily?" James repeated the question.

"Oh, just this stupid Slytherin that's always following us around, hassling us."

"Us? Don't you mean _you_?" Laura corrected her, eliciting a hostile glare from Lily. "Well, it's true," she said. "He's obsessed with you!"

"Lily, what is his name?" James voice had grown sharp and demanding. She had never heard him speak to her like that; he was angry.

"Regulus Black."

Sirius closed his eyes and cursed under his breath, while James' eyes were growing dark.

"Regulus Black is obsessed with you? And hassles you at school?" It was as though James didn't really want to believe it.

"What exactly does the little creep do?" Sirius asked.

Lily felt like a deer caught up in a car's headlights. They were still standing, looking down at her. Part of her wanted to tell them everything, but part of her wanted to run and hide. She turned to Laura for help.

"Do you guys know him or something?" Laura asked.

Sirius gave a hollow laugh. "You could say that."

James walked around the table and pulled a chair over to face Lily. He sat and leaned forward, meeting her reluctant gaze at eye level. Seeing her clear distress, James took her hand. "Lily, Regulus Black is bad news."

"You think I don't know that?" Lily wondered if she could be having some horribly realistic nightmare. He was going to make her tell.

"I think you know that a little too well," he said. "You wouldn't be this upset if he was only spreading rumours. He's been doing more than talk, hasn't he?" She couldn't bring herself to look at him. "We can take care of Regulus, Lily. I'll make sure he stays away from you. But I need you to give me some idea of what's been going on."

She felt like she was choking. She couldn't talk about it with James; it was too embarrassing.

A small arm embraced her waist and Laura leaned in to Lily's ear. "You really need to tell someone, Lily. From how jealous Marissa was acting, he obviously hasn't gotten over you. Maybe James can do something to help."

What was with them? It was like they all went to some kind of special training on how to force Lily Evans to spill her guts. Her throat was beginning to tighten with stress. Sirius watched her with an unreadable expression on his face; Lily turned her attention back to James who was still holding her hand.

"It's not all that big of a deal," Lily said. "You're making it seem like this huge thing. All Slytherins and Gryffindors hate each other."

"If it's not a big deal, then why don't you tell us about it?" James asked. "Does he hex you? Does he try to embarrass you or hurt you?"

"Not exactly." Laura had been urging Lily to tell an adult about it for a long time. "He sort of says things to me…embarrassing things about the way I look."

"And…" Laura pushed her on.

"And, when I'm not paying attention, he'll come up and touch me." She tried to remove her hand from James', but he wouldn't let her.

"Touch you? You mean…"

Lily's discomfort was unbearable. "You can guess what I mean." She finally yanked her hand free and stood up, backing away a few steps. She wanted to read James reaction, but his head was bowed, so she stared as he pulled off his bandanna and ruffled his hair. When he looked up, Lily couldn't tell if he was sad or angry or disgusted – maybe it was all of the above.

Sirius eventually spoke up. "We'll have a little chat with Regulus, Lily."

"If he bothers you again," James added, "you tell me right away." Standing up, he gave her a piercing look as though he knew exactly what she was thinking: she'd never volunteer anything. "Promise me you'll tell us."

"I promise," she whispered.

"How do you know him anyway?" Laura asked.

Sirius looked up and frowned. "He's my brother."

An hour later, Lily was still thinking about the look on Sirius' face when he'd said that. The mixture of loathing and sorrow etched in his eyes had burned itself into Lily's mind. Sirius seemed so kind-hearted; she couldn't imagine how difficult it would be to see a sibling become such an evil person. Sure, her own older sister, Petunia, was nasty enough; but Petunia wasn't evil, just genuinely afraid of magic. Regulus Black however, in addition to being nasty, was well known at Hogwarts for his devotion to the whole pure-blood / anti-Muggle mania; he wasn't afraid – he was evil. Poor Sirius.

With her heart full of pain for her new friend, Lily's own unhappiness seemed unimportant. Regulus had never seriously hurt her, and James and Sirius promised to keep him away from her in the future. How they would manage that, she wouldn't worry about for the time being.

A chilly wind buffeted her cheeks, and Lily tightened the collar of her jacket, hiding her face behind James' shoulder. They were who knew how many metres above the earth, soaring through the dark sky on their way home. The day in Diagon Alley had been good to her overall, but it had also been tiring. Securing her arms around James, Lily snuggled her face into his back, breathing in the smell of worn leather and wondering whether she would fall off of the motorcycle if she went to sleep. The last thing she remembered that night was a feeling of security when James placed one of his arms over hers. He wouldn't let her fall.


	7. Heartbreak Defined

Chapter 7: Heartbreak Defined 

The doorbell was ringing, and ringing, and ringing, and a muffled groan emerged from underneath Lily's pillow. Only one sort of person ever had that much fun ringing a doorbell, and only one of those peculiar people ever came by the Evans' house – and he would be looking for her. That particular evening, however, she really was not in the mood. Maybe she could pretend to be sick. Lily pressed the pillow into her face and sniffed.

Lily had joined her mother on a trip into Muggle London. Ever since they had arrived home that evening, Lily had been holed up in her room, crying into her pillow, no energy for anything else. London had not been good to her. Neither had Matt.

Footsteps sounded on the landing and the bedroom door clicked open.

"Lily, honey, how are you feeling?"

Grunt.

"James is here to see you."

Grunt, again.

"It's the last night of your holiday, sweetie. Why don't you come down for a little bit? It will do you some good."

Double grunt.

"I can't understand you when you talk through the pillow," her mother said.

Pulling off the pillow, Lily glared and said, "I'm not coming down." Then she stuffed the pillow back into position over her face and waited to hear the door close.

Earlier that day, Mrs. Evans had allowed Lily to go ahead and order their lunches in a café while she finished up some business in a London shop next door. As a result, she was not present to witness what exactly had so thoroughly upset her daughter. Mrs. Evans was worried, but Lily had remained silent and glaring all the way home, making for a very uncomfortable drive. Somewhere about half way home, the tears had started flowing.

Hearing the door opening once again, Lily decided to forestall the renewed pleas of her mother. "Can you please just leave me alone?"

"No can do, Lily-girl." Definitely not Mrs. Evans. Oh dear.

Peeking out from behind the pillow, Lily saw James walking towards her with a towering plate of her favourite yellow bar cookies.

"James, please go away."

Ignoring her protests, James settled himself on the end of her bed, leaning up against the footboard.

"I'm under strict orders to see that you eat at least half of these lemon-thingies, so if you want to be alone," he said, "I suggest you start eating."

Yanking the pillow into her lap, Lily sat up and glared at James in all of her puffy-eyed, tangly-haired glory. She grabbed a lemon square and stuffed the whole thing roughly into her mouth.

Chewing his own square at a steadier pace, James watched her with concern, but didn't say a word. Lily reached for a second lemon square and swallowed the first.

"What are you doing in my room?" Right. As if she didn't already know the answer to that one.

"Your mum sent me. She seems to think you need cheering up."

"Humph." Lily took another bite.

He was planning to stay until she spilled – she could tell by the look on his face. How long would he stay if she refused to talk? Probably all night. She started her third square.

"I'm thirsty."

He conjured a glass of ice cold milk for her, ruffled his hair, and went back to chewing. The milk felt good going down her hot throat.

"What did you do today?" she asked. Maybe she could to distract him from her own issues.

"Played Quidditch."

"You're always playing Quidditch."

"Too true." He started his second square. "What did _you_ do today?" He refused to be distracted.

"Visited London."

"Have fun?"

"Not really."

"Want to talk about it?"

"Not to you." Lemon square number four: going down the hatch.

"Who would be better?"

"Laura."

"So pretend I'm Laura," he suggested.

"Excuse me?" Lily looked up from fluffing the pillow in her lap.

"Use your imagination. We'll pretend I'm Laura."

"Whatever you're talking about…" she mumbled, taking a bite off a new square.

"It won't be hard once you get started," he said. "If Laura were sitting here right now, what would you say to her?"

"You're pretending to be Laura?" He could be so weird sometimes.

"Yup!" Looking both proud and amused with himself, James adjusted his legs and tousled his hair away from his eyes.

He thought he wanted to hear it, did he? He would change his tune soon enough. "Guys suck," she said.

"Excuse me?" His smile faltered.

"I said, _Laura_," she gave him a very pointed look, "that guys suck."

"Umm…you're right. They totally…er…suck. What else are guys?"

"Jerks."

"Mmhmm." James looked sympathetic.

"Lying, cheating, selfish, perverted dogs."

His eyes were laughing already. "Totally!"

"Hand me a lemon square." He passed it over and pushed the whole plate nearer to her. "They're inconsiderate."

"Without a doubt." The twinkling eyes were joined by a twitching corner of his mouth.

"Stupid. Piggish," she grumbled through a mouthful of crumbs.

"Definitely."

"Slimy. Ugly."

James' smile couldn't be contained much longer. "Anybody looking especially ugly tonight?"

"Matt the rat." Lily took a bite and felt her throat constrict.

"Now we're getting somewhere." His smile disappeared. "What did he do?"

Eyes beginning to throb with a new round of tears, Lily sucked hard on her teeth, unsure if she could bring herself to actually say it.

James tried again. "Did you see Matt in London?"

She nodded. Lucky guess.

"And he ticked you off somehow?"

Nodding once more, Lily's eyes narrowed at her pillow.

"You had a fight?" And the award for 'Greatest Understatement of the Century' goes to…

"You could say that."

"Did he break up with you?"

"_I _broke up with _him_!"

Looking quite startled at her vehemence, James was silent.

"He was all stressed about it too! Tried to get me to take him back. As if!" The floodgates were open, and it was all spilling out unchecked. "I saw him with my own two eyes slobbering his tongue all over some fat, trashy, chick! I told _him_ that if he liked that ugly blond so much then he could just go get _her_ to be his girlfriend, since she seemed so eager to please!"

Climbing off of the bed, Lily started pacing in front of the dark window. "And do know what that nasty little pig had the nerve to say to me?" She paused and looked into James' wide eyes. "He said that he didn't really care about her. That she was just a little fling for the summer because he was _so lonely_ pining after _me_ for so long – that he really _cared_ about me. What is that?" Throwing up her hands, she turned back towards the window, mumbling. "I mean, I know guys can be dense, but, come on! Does he really think I'm that much of an idiot?"

Rant ended, Lily pressed her forehead against the cool glass and rubbed at the tears on her cheeks with the back of her hand. She was emotionally winded and couldn't tell whether saying what had happened just made it seem worse, or if it actually helped on some level. Maybe it was both.

"Aww, Lily. _He_ sounds like the idiot." James moved to the edge of the bed and brushed the floor with his feet, as though speculating on whether he ought to try to get up and give her a hug. Lily wondered if he was pleased to know that Matt was out of the way.

Trudging back to the bed, she lay down on her stomach and stuffed the pillow over her head, sniffling. How did James always manage to squeeze her for information like that? She hadn't even wanted to talk about it, and there she was, telling him everything, like he was her best friend or something.

Not saying a word, James moved to sit closer to her, tentatively placing a hand on the middle of her back. Lily sensed that he was half expecting her to flinch or push him away; she didn't have the energy. He began to rub her back in gentle circles, not unlike the way her father used to when she was little. Taking in a deep breath, Lily exhaled, letting her body relax. He brushed a few locks of her hair out the way, and continued – each stroke calming her down both physically and mentally. In need of fresh air, Lily shifted the pillow so that it was under her head, the way a pillow ought to be, and sighed; she must look a mess.

"It's my fault," she murmured.

"It isn't your fault."

"It is. I wasn't a very good girlfriend."

"That's impossible."

The circles changed direction, and Lily nuzzled her pillow.

"How do _you_ know?" He didn't know anything about their relationship.

"I know you."

"Why would he cheat on me if I was a good girlfriend?"

James sighed and drew the rest of her hair away from her neck.

"Because guys like that are never happy with only one girl," he said. "Even when she's the best girl in the world."

Lily rubbed her eyes and lay in silence, trying to swallow what James had said. She couldn't think at all; she felt overwhelmed by a single feeling. "He really hurt me."

"I'm sorry, Lily," James whispered, stroking her hair.

She raised her head to look at him. "Are you really?"

Fingers caught in her tangled hair, he caressed her cheek with his thumb and nodded.

"I thought you'd be happy," Lily said.

"Why would you think that?"

She lowered her cheek back to the pillow. "You've never exactly liked Matt very much."

"I like _you_, and I hate seeing you hurt." Returning to palming wide circles over her back, James sat in a contemplative silence.

Lily was beginning to feel more comfortable; the tension drained away like water from an overfilled balloon. Her mind began to tick again.

"James? Has a girl ever cheated on you before?"

His body tensed. It was uncommon for her to ask him very personal questions, and Lily knew it. She felt so exposed just then; she wondered if he understood her at all.

"Well," he said at last, "I never really gave anyone the opportunity."

"What do you mean?"

"I've never exactly had an official girlfriend."

Lily's eyes opened and she looked at him, not moving her head. "Are you kidding me? I figured you'd get lots of dates."

"It isn't that." He couldn't hide his discomfort. "I've just never given myself a chance to get all that close to anybody."

"I would never have pegged you for a 'no commitment' type of guy."

"I've just been waiting for the right woman."

Strangely enough, that actually made sense to Lily. Considering way she was feeling at that moment, she had no desire whatsoever to risk her heart again; it would be less painful to wait for someone safe.

"You've never had your heart broken then?" she asked.

His hand came to a rest on her lower back. "Heartbreak can't be confined to romance, Lily; it's too big."

"What do you mean?" Lily was trying to digest the concept.

"It's like love. You can love someone without being romantically interested in them, can't you?"

"Like family or best friends."

"Exactly. Heartbreak can come in a lot of different ways too."

"Like the way Regulus breaks Sirius' heart."

James looked at her with surprise. "Yeah. Like that."

What had happened in James' life that had caused him that kind of pain? Would he tell her? She knew him well enough by now to realise that he wouldn't tell her if she didn't ask. Rolling over, Lily sat up and pushed her tangled hair behind her ears.

"And what broke your heart, James?"

He chewed on his lip for so long that Lily was beginning to think he would ignore her question.

"You don't have to tell me," she said. "I understand."

"No, it's alright." His eyes refocused on hers. "I'm just trying to think of how to explain; I haven't had to in a long time."

"I'm not trying to make you. It's not really my business." If he wanted a way out, she would give it to him.

"I want you to know."

Nodding, Lily waited. James took a deep breath and pushed his hand through his hair.

"A few years back," he began, "right after I left school, my dad was killed…assassinated, actually." He took another breath and continued without meeting Lily's eye. "He was deeply involved in some controversial research. We'd already been in hiding for ages. It got really ugly near the end." Looking back towards her, his eyes softened when he saw the tears rolling down her face. "Oh, Lily. Please don't cry! It's okay."

All of the sudden, Lily's own insignificant problems had been thrown painfully into perspective. How embarrassing that she had ever made a fuss about stupid Matt at all. And there James was, comforting _her_ as she cried over _his_ father's death.

_How many ways can a heart break?_

On instinct, Lily reached for James and embraced him. She could feel his arms slip around her back in response.

"It was a long time ago," he said. As if that somehow fixed everything.

Could a loss like that ever be fixed? Lily knew that she couldn't begin to fathom the pain that her friend had experienced, and her heart broke for him. What could she possibly say?

"I'm sorry." She really was.

"Thanks." He looked at her with a sad sort of smile. "We've been kind of depressing tonight, haven't we?"

"You should eat a lemon square," she said. "It'll cheer you up." She sounded like her mother.

"There aren't any left." He motioned towards the empty plate.

"How many did you eat?"

"Me?" James raised his eyebrows. "I only had two! You're the one who ate them all."

"Sorry." She wasn't really: they were good. "I'm addicted to sugar."

"That's funny," he said, "because I remember that the first time I came here you were telling your mum that you didn't need sugar since you were already so sweet."

Lily smiled. Where that smile came from, Lily had no idea, but it came nonetheless, forcing its way onto her face. She hadn't thought she would be able to smile again for a long time. James was smiling too.

"How did you remember that?"

James shrugged. "I was paying close attention to you that night."

"I wasn't very nice to you at first, was I?"

"You weren't that bad."

They sat in a comfortable silence, each with their own thoughts.

Something had been agitating Lily's mind off and on for a couple of weeks. She desperately wanted to ask James about it, but it wasn't exactly easy to bring up. Just then however, with Lily being in such an unusual mood, it seemed to ask itself before she gave it much consideration.

"James. I wanted to ask you about something that Sirius said to me in Diagon Alley."

"What did he say?"

"He said that I'm everything to you. What was he talking about?"

Staring at her in surprise, James blinked and swallowed. "Umm…" She rarely caught him so off guard. "Sirius said that to you?"

"He confused me," she said. Picking at the hem of her pillowcase, she added, "He said that you don't love me, but that I mean everything to you. It didn't…I mean…I've been trying to figure it out."

Mouth hanging open and brows scrunched together, James gaped at her statement. She could literally see his brain straining to form an adequate answer. Lily considered giving him a way of escape, but feared that if she lost the chance, she might never get an answer at all.

"Lily. Do you know why we're betrothed?" That seemed a little off-topic. They hadn't mentioned the betrothal since their first meeting in the garden. It was a bit of a touchy subject with Lily.

"Not really," she answered. "My parents told me some different things that didn't make much sense. Either they aren't telling me everything, or they don't understand themselves."

"What did they tell you?" Was he trying to dodge her question?

"They said something about my safety and my rights, which is ridiculous, and then something about a kind of magical profiling to find good mates. The whole thing is so archaic and freaky."

"It was a part of my dad's early research."

"What research?"

"The profiling." James explained. "It's a process that reveals a person's best choice for a good marriage. Centuries ago the last of the true matchmakers died, and the art of magical matchmaking was lost. It's all highly complicated and it took my dad and his team years of steady work to figure out."

Lily was beginning to get interested. "Why would people let something like that die out?"

"Well, it wasn't very popular, was it?" He leaned against the footboard of the bed and shrugged. "I mean, most families that want to arrange a marriage are more interested in bloodlines and political connections than marital bliss. Plus, it only works on little kids. It's no use to adults."

"Why not?" There were plenty of people out there searching for their true love.

"Adults' souls are too well hidden. They've spent too many years creating the image of themselves that they want others to see. There's no way to get a good reading." That made a whole heck of a lot more sense than when her parents had tried to tell her.

"So, you're saying that our parents did this matchmaking thing on us?"

"Technically," he said, "my parents did it on me, and it pointed to you."

"That's great and everything, but why not just give us that little piece of information and let us make our own decisions?"

"I think they would have done that if they weren't so scared."

"Of what?"

"You know how there are some wizards that hate everything to do with Muggles?" Of course she did – she was a Muggle-born witch after all. "Well, that's not exactly a new problem, and over the centuries there's been swings in popular support for that position. About fifteen years ago, things looked really bad for Muggles and for Muggle-born witches and wizards."

He had Lily's full attention.

"For example," he said, "there was this faction, led by a nasty little witch named Madam Maliflua, that almost managed to force through a bill at the ministry that would have made Muggle-hunting legal."

"What! Killing people for fun?" People that perverted actually existed?

"And that's just the tip of the iceberg. A lot of Muggle-borns were terrified that they were going to lose all of their rights and maybe even their lives." With a deep breath, as though steeling himself, James continued to explain. "But, as a Muggle-born witch, as long as you're bound to a wizard who's considered 'pure-blooded', you're guaranteed all of the rights that any other 'pure-blooded' witch would have, regardless of the political climate."

"Bound?" What kind of binding?

"By marriage or marriage contract."

"Or Wizarding Betrothal?"

He nodded. "They wanted to protect you."

The puzzle was beginning to piece together. Of course she could see her parents getting scared and trying to keep her safe; she didn't, however, have to like it.

"But the world isn't dangerous like that anymore."

"It's getting there again," he said.

"I'm not a baby now; I can take care of myself."

"The contract is signed, Lily." It was a gentle statement, loaded with simple finality. Lily wouldn't accept it.

"Every contract can be broken."

James paled somewhat and looked down. "That's true."

"Thank you for explaining so much to me tonight. Mum and Dad never told me that stuff."

When he only nodded, she continued. "You know that you haven't answered my first question."

"Which one was that?"

"About what Sirius said…"

James appeared wholly absorbed in lacing his fingers. "I know I could never be as happy with anyone as I could be with you," he said. "I've been waiting a long time for you. You mean a lot to me."

That humble statement would replay in her mind for many nights down the road. It was a simple answer to a complicated question, and she knew that it probably cost him a great deal to say it. Would she have been so candid herself? She still had questions, but those could wait.

"Lily, how am I doing?" James wasn't looking at her, and his voice was just above a whisper.

"With what?" Lily wondered.

"With our deal."

Was he asking her if she was falling in love with him? On the same day she had just broken up with her boyfriend? What kind of question was that?

"How can I answer that, James?"

"Truthfully." He looked up at her. "Please."

"I'm not in love with you, if that's what you mean."

"I'm not asking you to love me just yet," he said.

"What do you want to know then?"

"Do you think that maybe you hate me a little less than you did at first?"

"I never hated you." Did he really think that?

"Then you had me fooled sometimes."

"I didn't want to admit that you could be nice," Lily admitted.

"And I proved you wrong?" James was smirking again. Good old James.

"From what Sirius has told me," she said, smirking right back, "lately you've been on the best behaviour of your life."

He chuckled, relaxing, and said, "Maybe. Does that discourage you?"

"I don't really care so much anymore." She reclined back against her pillow. "You're already my friend."

"You don't mind if your friends misbehave?" He was playing with her again, but she was still feeling focused.

"It depends," she suggested.

"How's that?"

"Well, take Matt for example. He might not use the word 'misbehave' but that's all he thinks he's done. He'll argue that it was just bad judgement or something."

"Would you ever take him back?" James asked.

"I don't think I can ever even be friends with Matt again. He really crossed the line. I'll never be able to trust him."

"I almost forgot that's where we started tonight; with 'Matt the rat'."

"We had better things to talk about than my idiot ex-boyfriend."

"You know, Lily, I'm not sure how many more of your boyfriends I can take."

"You're happy Matt's out of the picture, aren't you?"

"I'm sorry," he said, nodding in assent.

"I'm not." She was glad to get rid of Matt before she had gotten too close.

"Lily." James looked nervous. "I wondered if you would do something for me."

"Sure."

"You don't know what it is yet."

"Try me." She was no longer in the mood to be difficult.

"I wondered if, this year at school… if you would hold off on dating."

Whoa. Lily hadn't been quite prepared for that one. Would he let her brush it off?

Her voice dripping in sarcasm, Lily laughed uncomfortably. "Oh, well, you know that Matt was so great and all I just can't hardly wait to try it again. Besides there's this line of guys out to the street waiting to get together with me!"

"I'm serious Lily." He wasn't going to let her dodge the question. "Eventually you'll forget about him, and somebody else will ask you out. I'm just asking you now to say 'no' for a little while."

"Why does it make a difference what I say?" she asked.

James gave her a long look. "Because," he said, "it would really mean a lot to me if I could be the next man to kiss you."


	8. Enter Benjamin

Chapter 8: Enter Benjamin 

"So then, the next thing we see is my brother flying down the staircase being chased by about a dozen bars of soap that keep bouncing off his head! Dinah refused to call off the soap until she finished her hour-long bubble bath. By the time she did, Zeb had two black eyes, and a fat lip! He looked exactly like a pouting racoon!"

A group of fifth year Gryffindors dug into dessert one evening, about two weeks into the new term, and listened to Benjamin Summers tell embarrassing stories on his little brother, Zebulun, one of the newest Gryffindor students.

"Wasn't your mum mad?" Laura wondered.

"Nah, they're always going at it," he said. "When he bellyached, she just said 'Maybe now you'll learn not to hide dungbombs in your sister's drawer. She obviously doesn't like it very much.' He wasn't real happy, but he deserved it; Zeb was a royal little pest all summer."

"He was just excited about finally coming to Hogwarts," explained Josiah. "That, and he's abnormally hyper."

"Mum was more excited than he was. I think she was glad to finally get him out of her hair for a few months."

"I wonder what kind of a charm Dinah used to make the soap follow him around like that," Lily said. "Imagine the possibilities."

Laura giggled. "Yeah, we could charm lumps of frog spawn to follow Marissa Downey to class!"

"It would definitely improve her hairstyle!"

"Ooh! Speaking of Marissa Downey," Marianne piped up, "in Potions today, me and Julia 'overheard' her talking with the clones about how Regulus Black spent the whole last week of summer in St. Mungo's."

"Someone finally figured out that he's a disease who needs to be eradicated?" Josiah asked, eliciting several appreciative chuckles.

"She said somebody beat him up really bad; it took the healers ages to sort out all of the hexes on him. He wouldn't talk about it to her, but Marissa thinks it was his older brother. Apparently they don't get along."

Lily looked at Laura sitting next to her, eyes wide, and thinking the exact same thing. Did Regulus landing in the hospital have anything to do with the 'little chat' Sirius and James had planned? She shifted uncomfortably in her seat. While Lily had no compassion for Regulus, she was shocked to think that they would have been so violent with him. They had both been to see her a couple of times after the trip to Diagon Alley, but neither had mentioned it at all.

"Marissa and Regulus started going out over the summer, you know," Laura added. She was such a sucker for gossip.

"Yeah, I saw them making out in the corridor yesterday," Benjamin cringed. "I think I'm scarred for life."

"Come on, Benji," Laura said. "You don't find Marissa incredibly sexy?"

"Sure, if 'sexy' is the same as 'vomit-inducing'," Josiah answered.

"Why do so many guys fancy her, anyway?" asked Marianne. "She's such a slut."

"That's why they like her," said Josiah through a mouthful of pie.

"That's not a very good reason to fancy someone," Lily complained.

"It's not?" Benjamin faked astonishment. "Are you saying girls don't go for the guys that are the easiest snogs?"

Lily just rolled her eyes while Benjamin laughed.

"Then tell me, dear Lily, what is it that pretty little witches are looking for in a wizard these days?" Benjamin leaned into her shoulder and grinned, his blue eyes rather close to hers.

"Money, Benjamin," Lily said. "Lots and lots of money. There's nothing hotter than a man with cauldrons full of gold."

"Really?" Benjamin was staring in shock. She couldn't believe he fell for that!

"Sure! Girls get turned on big time when a guy whips out a gigantic bag of galleons. It's_ so sexy_." When Laura burst into a fit of giggles, Lily couldn't hold her straight face any longer.

"Are you having me on?" He was finally catching up.

"You're a smart boy." Lily tapped his nose and winked. "You figure it out!"

Benjamin smiled at Lily until he saw her standing up to leave. "Where are you going?" Where did he think she was going?

"Gryffindor Tower."

"Oh, right." It looked like he was suddenly thinking the same thing. "See you later then."

Lily nodded and followed Laura out of the Great Hall.

The fall term was already moving in full swing; teachers were stressing out the students with speeches about their upcoming OWLS, and students were stressing out the teachers with summer break withdrawals. In the midst of all the normal chaos, and as quickly as they could manage sufficient privacy, Lily had filled Laura in on every tiny detail of her rather unusual summer. Having Laura around for unrestricted spontaneous discussion about James was incredibly helpful for Lily, and she took full advantage of every opportunity to chat.

"Sirius and James?" Lily said. They had to be the reason for Regulus' stay in the hospital.

"Without a doubt."

"How can you be so sure?" Plodding up the marble staircase and out of the Entrance Hall, Lily debated the issue at hand. "Neither of them ever mentioned it, and I saw them both during the last week before school. Wouldn't they have brought it up?"

"Not if they're trying to keep it under the rug. Didn't you see how ticked-off they were when they found out he'd been harassing you?" Laura reminded her. "Of course it was them!"

She was probably right. They fell silent as they turned down a corridor where some fourth year girls were walking. Lily felt a bit in awe of the idea that James and Sirius would go to so much trouble on her behalf. They really were pretty cool.

"Josiah Mitchell or Marvin Branstone?" Laura asked as they pushed through a tapestry.

"Marvin." Lily searched her brain for a pair to offer in return.

Lily couldn't quite remember when she and Laura had begun to play the game; it was at least a year back. The main thing was that it was entirely top secret and confidential to the point of death. One of the girls would name two guys, and the other had to pick, very quickly, which of those two she would rather kiss. Sometimes the choices were both so undesirable that neither guy would ever be considered in a million years, but that was the nature of the game – one had to be picked, no matter how horrible. It was a peculiar little way for the friends to mess with one another's minds.

Lily had one: "Bobby Quirke or Nate Wimple?"

"Nate."

Raising her eyebrows, Lily caught Laura's eye. A Slytherin over a Ravenclaw?

"Bobby's a horrible kisser," Laura explained. Lily had forgotten that Laura and Bobby had dated for about a month during the previous school year.

Lily laughed, and shook her head. "I can't keep track of your ex-boyfriends."

"You want a list or something?"

"Nah, it'd be too huge to fit in my book bag!" Ducking a swing of Laura's own book bag, Lily squealed and sprinted up the last corridor with Laura hot on her tail.

"You're a little bugger!" Laura said as she caught up. "You know that?"

"And proud of it!"

When they approached Gryffindor Tower, the Fat Lady's portrait swung open and Dinah Summers stepped elegantly out into the hall. Dinah had always been a bit of an idol for Lily; she was lovely, poised, kind, intelligent, funny, well loved by everyone worth knowing – the perfect Head Girl. She also happened to be Benjamin's older sister.

"Hi, Dinah!" Lily straightened up and smiled.

"Hey, ladies! You haven't seen a couple of wild first year boys running through this way, have you?"

"No, but we just came through the shepherd's tapestry shortcut," Lily held the portrait open as Laura climbed through. "First years don't usually know that way."

"Okay. Well, thanks anyway." Dinah waved and floated down the corridor. "See you later, then!"

"She's probably after Zeb," Laura suggested. "I think he's already setting out to break detention records."

"He's got a good start, unless Dinah murders him!"

Students were filling up the common room, and Lily and Laura parked themselves at a table with a studious fellow roommate. The girl's curly blond hair was spread out across the table as she bent over her homework, scribbling furiously.

"Hi, Julia," Lily prodded, and the girl looked up.

"Hey! I didn't see you two come in."

Laura started pulling out her books. "You're going to miss dinner if you don't hurry down. You only have a few more minutes."

"Marianne said she'd bring me something back. I really had to work on this Arithmancy assignment. I can't believe how much work they're giving us already!"

Lily shook her head. "I can't believe how many classes you take! I think I'd die if I took so much!"

"Whatever little Miss. Perfect Marks." Laura was mocking her! How dare she!

"Hey, now!" defended Lily. "I wouldn't be able to keep up my marks if I had too many classes like Julia does, or too many boyfriends like you do!"

"How many times do I have to tell you? I don't have too many boyfriends. I only have one at a time!"

Lily just laughed and set out her homework; Laura was the most boy-crazy girl she had ever known.

And speaking of crazy boys …a large figure landed in the chair across from Lily.

"Are you going out with Benji Summers?"

"Go away, Matt." Matt-the-rat had been bugging Lily ever since they returned to school. He'd begged her forgiveness, asked her out, pestered her friends, followed her around – and all in just two weeks! Lily was getting sick of it.

"Just answer the question."

"Can't you take a hint, Matt? Leave me alone!" Lily refused to look at him.

"Can't you just tell me? Are you going out with Benji or not?"

"No. I'm not going out with him. Will you leave now?" Trying to fake like she was doing her homework, Lily fiddled with her quill.

"Do you fancy him?" What was Matt's problem anyway?

"I don't see how that's any of your business." Matt was grating on her last nerve. "And I'm not answering any more of your stupid questions," Lily added as an afterthought.

The table rattled with a loud 'thump' and Lily looked up. Matt's forehead was on the table, his arms hanging down in his lap, and he wore an air of utter defeat. "Please, Lily. How many times do I have to say I'm sorry?"

"It doesn't matter how many times you say it, Matt. It's still over."

"It's because of him, isn't it?"

"Who?"

"Benji," Matt answered in mild exasperation.

"No." Lily shook her head. "It's because of you, Matt. For once, it's all about you."

As he sat up, she saw there was a red spot on his skin where his head had hit the table. It was almost pitiful. Almost.

"I'm really sorry," he whispered.

"I know."

"You do?"

"Yes, she does," Laura cut in. "So will you leave already?"

Matt didn't appreciate the interruption. "You stay out of this!"

"You stay away from Lily," she answered. "Haven't you done enough?"

Lily closed her unread book with a slap. She'd had enough. "I'm going upstairs." And she did just that. The girls' dormitory was the one place where she could entirely avoid crazy boys like Matt. She needed a break.

Pitching her book-bag over her trunk, Lily fell onto her bed with a groan.

"You left your ink." Laura entered behind her, and tossed the inkbottle onto Lily's pile.

"Thanks."

Laura put some of her things away and checked her appearance in the mirror. "Matt's such a creep."

"He's not a creep," Lily said. A small part of her felt sorry for Matt; they both hurt.

Laura looked at Lily like she'd just sprouted antennae, and Lily smirked adding, "He's a super creep." Nice save.

"Amen, sister!"

Giggling, Lily rolled over and watched Laura get situated to start her homework on the floor. She was sort of confused after the conversation downstairs.

"So what's up with Matt getting all freaky about Benji?"

"He's just jealous," said Laura. She smoothed her black hair, and loosened her tie.

"But why?" Lily pressed. "It's not like there's anything going on between me and Benji."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course I'm sure."

Laura looked up from her book. "Does Benji know that?"

"What are you getting at, Laura?" Why wouldn't he know that? Lily propped herself up on her elbows as she prepared for an interrogation.

"You've just been flirting with him a lot is all."

"I have not! We're just friends."

"Maybe _you_ are just friends with Benji, but he isn't just friends with you."

"What are you talking about?" Although she could suddenly see it coming, Lily didn't want to admit it – and Laura knew it, too.

"Look Lily, I know you like to be totally oblivious and everything, but you have to pay attention sometimes. Benji has fancied you big time for over a year."

"He has not!"

"Yes he has! Everyone knows it except you." Everyone?

"Why didn't he say anything to me?"

Laura cocked an eyebrow at Lily. That was a stupid question.

"Okay, okay! But why didn't you tell me sooner – _best friend_?" Lily glared at Laura; best friends were supposed to point it out when boys like you.

"Because he didn't want you to know."

"So why are you telling me now?"

"Because if you don't watch yourself, you're going to hurt him."

"I would never hurt Benji." Now Lily was really feeling indignant. Benjamin had been a friend for over four years; she would never want to hurt him.

"You aren't exactly available, Lily, and you're been running around flirting with him ever since we got back. You're probably just feeling a bit rebound-ish after Matt, but that's no excuse for treating Benji like that. You're going to get his hopes all up and then crush him." How could Laura accuse her like that? Lily hadn't tried to flirt with him.

"I haven't been flirting with him!"

"Okay, then. You've been 'extra friendly' to him. You just keep on like you've been and you'll be having to figure out what to do when he asks you out. You'll have to turn him down, you know. You promised James."

"Why did James have to ask me not to date anyway?"

"It's kind of obvious, Lily."

"Then tell me, if you're so smart."

"James is a sharp guy," Laura said. "He knows that guys at Hogwarts, like Benji, who see you every day, have an advantage over him. He's afraid that some prince charming is going to come along and steal your heart while he can't hang around scaring them off. You promising not to go out with anybody else is almost the same as agreeing to go out with him."

"I'm not going out with James!"

"You may not actually be snogging him, but you agreed not to date or kiss any other guys – at his request, mind you. Sounds like a long distance boyfriend to me."

"It is not!"

"Try explaining that to Benji, Lily."

Lily had to think about that for a moment; James would sound like a boyfriend to Benjamin too. "James tricked me!"

"And you fell for it."

Sighing dramatically, Lily rolled over and hung her head off the edge of the bed.

"If it's the same as going out," she reasoned, while her upside-down face turned red, "then I can break up with him."

"No you can't." Laura wore a satisfied smirk. "Everyone knows that 'going out' has an inferred condition attached that if one of you changes your mind, you can call it off without notice. What you and James have is a promise that you won't go out with anybody or kiss anybody. You wouldn't be breaking up with him; you would be breaking a promise to him. Big difference."

Lily wasn't so sure about that; she'd have to chew on it for a while. One thing was for certain though: "I'm so stupid! Why did I let James talk me into it?"

"You were feeling vulnerable that night. Either that, or it's because he's so cute."

"You go out with him then."

"I totally would," Laura said, "but he's engaged. I wouldn't want to see him cheat on you."

"What a great friend."

"I try."

Marianne popped her head into the room with a sparkly grin. "Lily, Benji is downstairs asking for you."

Lily sat up and turned towards the door. "Tell him I'll be down in a minute."

She couldn't even escape crazy boys in the dormitory. They were all crazy. Every one of them. And they were making her crazy, too. Crazy Lily hiding upstairs. That sounded like a bad late-night movie. She felt like hunkering down in bed with one of those corny flicks and a big bag of popcorn. That would be cool.

Lily straightened her robes and started for the stairs. What else could she do? Benjamin was waiting.


	9. Crazy Boys

Chapter 9: Crazy Boys 

Lily was going to have to break down and start using a calendar; she had forgotten all about her Prefect Rounds. Good thing Benjamin was keeping up with the schedule. Three nights each week, Lily Evans and Benjamin Summers, the fifth year Gryffindor Prefects, were to patrol their scheduled portion of the castle for rule-breakers and mischief-makers. It was the early shift, and older students were still allowed in designated areas, so they didn't get to do much but send the little kids to their common rooms and remind everyone else not to loiter. Being a Prefect wasn't nearly as exciting as Lily had hoped. James did try to warn her…

They were pacing the dim corridors near the end of their patrol, and the only sounds to be heard were the echoing taps of their footsteps, and the occasional whispering of the portraits. Benjamin kept glancing her way.

"How are things with Matt?" he asked.

"What do you mean?"

"I've just noticed that he hasn't been taking your break-up real well."

"He'll get over it," Lily said. She hadn't realised that Matt was so obvious about it with everyone else too. "What has he been saying?" Maybe she should worry – or at least tell him off again.

"Oh, nothing much."

"Liar."

Benjamin coloured and stared straight ahead.

"Benjamin, you know I can always tell when you're lying." It was the way he held his breath, but she would never tell him that. "What's the little rat been saying about me?"

He looked at her in surprise. Maybe she shouldn't call Matt names in front of his dorm-mates.

"He's just having a hard time is all. He's hoping to patch things up."

"Yeah well, I'm hoping to be crowned Queen."

"So you're sure it's over?"

"Absolutely."

With a deep breath he added, "And you're okay?"

"I'm okay." Matt had really hurt her, and it still stung. Lily's throat was tightening. "I wish he would leave me alone. I just want to move on."

"Moving on can be good. Everybody needs a fresh start sometimes."

Pausing to wait for a staircase to adjust itself, Lily looked up at him. "Everybody? Do you think you need a fresh start, Benjamin?"

"Me? Oh, umm…" He held his breath.

"Don't bother lying to me," Lily said.

Sighing, Benjamin laughed. "How do you do that?"

"I'm the Divine Oracle of Truth-Telling. Didn't you know?" A nearby portrait started sniggering and Benjamin shook his head in defeat as they ascended the staircase.

CRASH! Lily flinched when a deafening noise ricocheted around the stone walls. The clanging trailed off as Lily and Benjamin jogged towards the source. Hushed whispers stopped when they rounded the corner and Lily fought back a giggle. Zebulun Summers was entangled in a collapsed suit of armour sprawled across the floor; another first year was desperately trying to aid his escape. Hilarious was the only word for it.

"Benji! Dear, dear, dear brother!" Zebulun said in a too-happy voice. "How nice to see you!"

"Shut-it, Zeb!" Benjamin growled. "What do you think you're doing out here? It's after hours."

"Is it that late already? I had no idea! We'll just be running along then…" He noisily scrambled to his feet while his friend nodded. They were about to sprint when Benjamin grabbed his little brother by the arm.

"Not so fast," he said. Lily blocked the other boy's path, drawing her wand.

"Miss. Evans," Benjamin continued with false pomp and ceremony, "Do correct me if I am mistaken, but it appears as though these carousing juveniles are up to no good."

"Indeed Mr. Summers. It seems they've been apprehended in the midst of a mischievous plot involving Zonko's Animating Arachnid Ointment and a suit of armour." Lily picked up the tube of ointment and pocketed it.

"I do pity their lack of originality," he said with amusement. No kidding! Benjamin had pulled the same prank in their own first year – only he hadn't been caught.

"Hasten not to despise their inexperience, Mr. Summers. They are but children, after all."

"Thank you for the gentle reminder, my lady. But shall your gentleness extend to their punishments?"

"Merlin, no!" Lily cried, as though insulted. Benjamin laughed but the first years shifted nervously.

"My thoughts exactly," Benjamin said, dropping the formal voice. "Do you think we ought to hand them over to Pringle for a good ankle-hanging in the dungeon?" Zebulun and his friend were staring in wide-eyed horror, their eyes begging Lily to say it was just a joke.

"That's a good idea," Lily replied.

"Oh!" Benjamin snapped his fingers with disappointment. "I just remembered – the manacles have all been sent out for a professional polishing, so it would be weeks before they could be strung up."

Two little boys exhaled with relief.

"What a shame," Lily said, biting her lip to keep from smiling. "I guess we'll just have to dock points then."

"Do you think 200 each is enough?"

Two little jaws dropped in shock.

"Gryffindor doesn't actually have that many points yet, so it'll have to be a bit less," Lily pointed out.

"Let's make it ten points each then," he said, " and if I ever catch either of you two buggers again I'll lock you in a suit of armour along with the Giant Hogwarts Boggart!"

Benjamin released Zebulun's arm and the boys scurried away at top speed.

Lily giggled into her hand while they ran. "The Giant Hogwarts Boggart?" she said. "You couldn't come up with something better than that?"

"Hey, I was working under pressure!"

Lily couldn't stop giggling; that was the best fun she'd had as a Prefect yet!

"Okay, it was pretty pathetic," Benjamin admitted. "But they bought it!"

"The bit about Pringle hanging them by the ankles was inspired!"

"Thanks, but I actually can't take credit for that," he said. He bent to drag the armour out of the middle of the hall. "I just borrowed it. When I was a first year the Head Boy, James Potter, used that on me and Josiah one night."

"James?"

"You remember him don't you? He was a Gryffindor."

"Yes. I know who James Potter is." Lily began to help shove the pieces of armour against the wall.

"Dinah had the biggest crush on him forever. Of course, she was four years younger than him, so he never gave her a look. She got over him once Chas came into the picture, though."

"Oh. That's lucky." What else could she say?

"Yeah. Potter chases for the Cannons now. I hear he has women crawling all over him. That's great for James, but Dinah's better than that."

"Yeah." Lily had figured that it would be easy for James to get a date, but she'd never really thought of him quite that way – with adoring women all over him. It rather turned her stomach. Think about something else. "So, Dinah and Chas seem to be getting pretty serious."

"She hardly talked about anything else all summer; it wouldn't surprise me if they wind up married."

Lily sighed wistfully. "They must really be in love. That's so cool."

"A lot of people are in love."

"Do you think so?" Holding the helmet in her arms, Lily stroked the plume and scrunched her nose.

"I know so," Benjamin said with confidence.

Her parents loved each other, but their love didn't look real passionate or romantic. "I don't know very many."

"What makes you say that, Lily?"

She dropped the helmet in the corner and they began to walk again. "I just can't think of very many people who act like they're in love."

"What's Love supposed to act like?"

Good question. How would she recognise Love if she saw it? In the movies, Love looked like amazing self-sacrifices, passionate kisses, and daring rescues. Lovers felt their devotion in every fibre of their being and couldn't bear to be parted or reunited without buckets of tears. Lily didn't know anybody who acted like that.

"I guess I really don't know," Lily admitted.

"You should find out."

"How?"

"Fall in love."

"Oh. Okay!" Lily said. "It's that easy, huh?"

"As easy as falling down."

"Falling hurts." What kind of crazy person wanted to fall down?

Benjamin looked at her. "Sometimes it hurts," he said, "but you can't be afraid, or you'll never get the good parts either."

Lily shivered and reached to close a window that had been left open. The frame was wedged stuck, and the panes of glass only rattled when she tugged at it. A gust of air struck and whipped her loose hair across her face.

"_Recingo_." With a well-aimed spell, Benjamin loosened the window casing and it closed easily in her grasp.

"Thanks."

"No problem." His voice startled Lily with its nearness. Dragging the last of her hair away from her eyes, Lily saw Benjamin's reflection close to hers in the windowpane; he was standing just behind her, watching her reflection over her shoulder.

She could sense the warmth of his body against her back when he reached in front of her to close the window latch. Apple cider - he'd been drinking that at dinner; the spicy scent was tickling her nose. Benjamin closed his eyes for a brief moment and then looked up to catch her gaze in the reflection. Lily couldn't quite breathe. Nor could she escape.

"Lily." Benjamin paused, as though steeling his resolve. "I came to school this year swearing to myself that things would be different."

"Different how?" Maybe she shouldn't have asked that.

"A fresh start…"

She swallowed and stared.

"Lily, I know I've never said anything about it, but I can't not tell you anymore. I really like you, Lily. I'm wild about you. Completely crazy."

Crazy was right! "Ben. Please don't." She sounded so weak.

Murmuring against her ear, he said, "You're the sweetest girl in the whole world, Lily."

"I'm not."

"I need you to know…"

She twitched her head a little away from him and caught her breath. Inhale. Exhale. Swallow. Inhale, again.

"Whenever you're near me," he continued, "I can hardly think about anything…except how pretty you are, and how much I want to hold you…to be near you all the time."

Lily's head was spinning, or maybe it was on fire. She couldn't think of anything but how close he was. How one of his hands was near her elbow, drifting up her arm. How his breath was ragged and hot on her temple. How if she didn't get out of there pronto she would have a lot of explaining to do to James. "Please, Ben, I…"

"Tsk! Tsk! Prefects, too!" A sarcastic voice from behind caused them to spin around. It was Regulus Black and Marissa Downey. Joy upon joy. Just in the nick of time, too.

"And here I've been thinking that Prefects were supposed to _prevent_ hallway snogging," Regulus said. "I guess some of them are above the rules."

"Don't waste your breath on things you don't know anything about, Black," Benjamin retorted. He and Lily drew their wands.

"What don't I understand, Summers? Rules, Prefects, or snogging? Because I think I've got a pretty good handle on all three."

Marissa snickered and clutched Regulus' arm. He didn't seem to notice; he was too busy staring at Lily.

"Or maybe you're talking about Evans there," he said, "but I understand her better than you might think."

"You don't know anything about me, you nasty little slug!"

"Don't I?" Regulus detached himself from Marissa and slithered nearer to them. "I do know a certain one of your _friends_, who would be very interested to know whom you've been snogging, Evans. Very interested indeed."

Lily's breath caught in her throat. Did he know about her betrothal to James? She'd ask James about that later. For the time being, she crossed her fingers in hope that Regulus wouldn't spill her secret. Who knew how many people he could have told!

"We're already sick of you Black. So keep walking or I may just have to count you out of bounds," Benjamin spat.

"Ooh!" Regulus taunted, "Listen to the little fifth year talk like he's so big and bad!"

"I'm surprised they passed you to sixth year, Black," Lily said. "I thought they'd decided to hold back all the little filthy mouthed jerks like you."

"You want to inspect my mouth for cleanliness, Evans?" Regulus smirked and licked his lips. "You can look as close as you want!"

Ewww! That was way too gross! Even Marissa looked offended.

Benjamin was about to lose it. He raised his wand but Lily pushed it back down before he could utter the curse.

"Out of bounds: Regulus Black and Marissa Downey!" Lily was ready to have it over with. "That's ten points each from Slytherin. Go straight back to your common room now or I may just find you out of bounds again. Second offence in one night is double the points, you know."

Marissa gaped at her. "You wouldn't!"

"Try me." Lily meant business and she was willing to prove it.

"Don't get your knickers all in a twist, we're bored with you two lovebirds anyway." Regulus wrapped his arm around Marissa and strutted off down the corridor with her.

Only when they were almost out of sight did Lily look back to Benjamin. His face was red and his eyes were narrow as he watched them disappear around down a staircase.

"You should have let me curse the bastard," Benjamin grumbled at her.

"Like it would have done any good." Lily grabbed Benjamin's sleeve and dragged him in the opposite direction until he started walking. "He'd just come after you again later."

"So? I can take him!"

Lily couldn't help but laugh a little. "I know you can, Benjamin, but if you take points then you won't get in trouble too."

Benjamin gave a groan that sounded a lot like "Girls!" and pocketed his wand.

"I mean it! Save fighting for when it counts for something, not some stupid argument."

"I just can't stand hearing him talk to you like that, Lily."

"I can't stand hearing him talk at all!"

It didn't take them long to finish up their route and slip back to Gryffindor Tower. Regulus and Marissa had left Lily's mind; she was busy remembering the conversation that they had interrupted. Benjamin seemed to be thinking along the same lines.

The common room was far from deserted and Lily saw Laura beckoning her over to a group of girls huddled around a small table.

"Lily." Stopping her by the entrance, Benjamin spoke in a low voice. "I meant what I said earlier about my feelings for you. I don't expect you to feel the same way yet," he rushed. "I just needed you to know. I couldn't keep it in anymore." He stopped to take a breath.

Lily suspected he'd been rehearsing that while they were walking up to the tower. She couldn't blame him; she would have done the same thing if she could have come up with anything worthwhile to say. Unfortunately, Lily's brain was still shell-shocked on that particular subject.

"Can you just tell me, Lily…do I have any kind of chance with you at all? Ever?"

Lily wanted to cry. "I like you a lot, Ben, but not the way you want me to. I can't."

"You can't?"

"I'm sorry." She really was. Her stomach was burning and her throat was tense. Where was a good hiding place when a girl needed one?

Benjamin searched her face for some sign of hope. Finding none, he closed his eyes and sighed. "I can't give up on you, Lily Evans."

"Ben…"

"I mean it. You're too important to me. I can't let you go that easily."

"I wish I could give you what you want, Ben."

He nodded sadly and headed up the boys' staircase, leaving her standing quite alone in a noisy room.

Lily watched him go, and stopped fighting the pressure that had built up inside her. As the tears began to flow, she wondered, not for the first time… How many ways could a heart break?


	10. Lily Straddles the Fence

Chapter 10: Lily Straddles the Fence 

"You don't have to try and pretend like nothing happened, Lily." Laura showered Lily with advice as they sat down for breakfast. "Knowing Benji, I doubt he'll let you do that anyway."

"I just don't know what to say when I see him." It was easier to pretend nothing had happened.

"If something comes to mind that you want to say, then say it. If not, keep your mouth shut and smile."

"I wish my mouth and my brain were always that well connected."

"Morning everyone!" Dinah slid into a seat nearby, and her boyfriend, Chas Croaker, sat next to her. Looking over at them, Lily remembered what Benjamin had told her last night about how Dinah used to fancy James. Laura would get a kick out of that titbit, but they were too close to discuss it just yet.

"Charlie Valerian or Simon Ackerly," Lily whispered. Charlie snuck in the door and headed towards the end of the Gryffindor table.

"Simon," Laura answered without looking. "I doubt Charlie would do it." Poor Charlie; he was so shy around girls! If only all boys were that shy…it would prevent a lot of her problems.

"There's Scott! I'll be right back." Laura stood up and trotted over to greet her new boyfriend at the Ravenclaw table, leaving Lily to tackle her bacon.

A small ruddy owl landed in front of Lily's plate, and she looked up from her breakfast in surprise. Lily hardly ever got owls; most of her letters were delivered to the dormitory in the afternoon when the Muggle post arrived. The owl looked familiar somehow; who's was it? The letter was in a tight roll, which seemed to have been quite a feat considering how rumpled the parchment was - a corner even looked singed. Smoothing it out, her eyes jumped to the bottom of the page: it was from James.

**Dear Lily, **

**I hope school and everything is going well. I thought you**

_**Hi sugar! James has been staring at this blank parchment all morning (and I mean ALL morning,) so I'm coming to his rescue while he's distracted. Don't get me wrong when I say this, but for all his most excellent qualities, the chap's not much for letter writing. He'll rattle off about Lily-this and Lily-that all day and then, hand him a quill, and his first-rate brain turns to Pumpkin Juice! Don't fret your sweet head, though – me and Remus will get him trained up just fine! Why, before you know it you'll be reading top-notch love letters that'll have your sexy little toes tingling all night! Your friends will be green with envy! If any of them are looking for their own pen pal, you just send them my way.**_

**Lily, This is James again. I'm really sorry about that! Sirius poured a jug of Pumpkin Juice over my head and then took over my letter when I left to clean up. I tried to throw it away and start over, but he said he would just get it out or rewrite it and send it anyway. He's weird enough to do it too, so here we are.**

**Anyway, I was thinking that you might want your own owl, and this one reminded me of you. She doesn't have a name yet, so you can call her whatever you want. I thought of calling her "Stinksap" because she's so sweet, but I'm sure you can come up with something better! I hope you like her. Take care, Lily.**

**James**

Lily turned her attention back to the owl, who was drinking out of her goblet.

"I remember you, now," she cooed, stroking the owl's soft, reddish-brown feathers. "I met you in Eeylops a few weeks back." It was, in fact, the very owl over whom James and Lily had debated the sweetness of Stinksap. How did he ever remember?

Laura dropped back into her seat and was refilling her orange juice. "Who owled you?" she asked.

"James."

"I should have known; you're grinning like a first year in Honeydukes."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You never look that happy when you get a letter from that Mike boy, or from your mum."

"Shut-up, Laura. I'm smiling because James sent me this owl."

"I know. Like I said…"

"No! I mean he's giving me the owl itself. To keep. As a present!"

"Ooh! Really?" Laura immediately found the owl more interesting. "How sweet. She's really pretty too; he's got good taste!"

"He saw me admiring her at Eeylop's that day were in the Alley."

"What are you going to call her?"

**James, **

**Thank you so much for the beautiful owl! She's wonderful! I named her Hadassah. She's too sweet to call Stinksap. And no, I still don't believe you that it's possible for Stinksap to be sweet.**

**On the other hand, I do believe you now about how much harder classes would be this year. I'm already drowning! **

**You might think this is kind of a weird question, but I was wondering who all knows about the whole betrothal thing. It's just that someone said something to me the other day that made me think he knew.**

**Tell Sirius that I didn't realise he was so turned on by my toes and that if he likes them so much he should get me some new sandals for Christmas. I'd like some brown strappy ones.**

**Lily**

**PS: Good luck against Puddlemere on Saturday. LE**

**PS2: Laura says she 'wouldn't mind a pen pal,' but please don't tell Sirius that - Laura's too boy crazy and plus he's too old for her. LE**

Ever since Benjamin's profession of affection for Lily – and Lily's rejection of said affection – things had been a little awkward between them. Their friendship could probably have gotten back to normal if he would have dropped the subject, but he felt the peculiar urge to remind Lily of his fondness for her almost every day. It was like he had made a new-school-year's-resolution to do everything he could think of to get Lily to go out with him, and he wouldn't give up without one heck of a fight.

The main trouble was that Benjamin was so sweet about it, and Lily was beginning to feel sorely tempted by him – when she didn't feel annoyed anyway. Confusion was her new middle name.

"Hey gorgeous!"

"That's not my name, Benjamin."

"It should be! It fits you perfectly."

"Please stop it, Ben."

"I can't."

"Sure you can. Just put your mind to it."

"I'm not going to pretend that I don't like you, Lily. I tried that last year and it didn't exactly work."

"Then don't pretend. Just stop liking me."

"You say that like it's so easy!"

"Lots of people don't fancy me. It can't be that hard."

"Yeah, well…those people are crazy."

"Benjamin, please. You're making this really hard on me."

"If you would come along willingly, it wouldn't be so hard."

"I can't come along at all, Ben."

"That's not true, Lily. You can do whatever you want."

**Dear Lily, **

**I'm glad you like Hadassah. That's a good name for her, by the way. And you never know about Stinksap. It could just taste better than Chocolate Frogs. Who knows, maybe you'll work up the nerve to give it a taste one day. We can try it together.**

**I'm going to ignore your comment about Sirius being too old for Laura. However, I still didn't tell him what she said about wanting a pen pal. He's too girl crazy. It was hard to keep your letter out of his hands. I did read him the part about your Christmas request though, and then I told him to stop looking at your toes.**

**So, you've started following the British and Irish League! That's really cool. I never realised you were so interested in Quidditch. We trounced Puddlemere, but our Seeker got injured, so we'll have to use a reservist for a few weeks. The Wasps are going to be tough. **

**None of the students at Hogwarts should know about our engagement without you telling them. Who is it that you think knows and what did he say? And don't ignore that question or I'll keep asking.**

**Love, James**

Tap, tap, tap, tippity-tap, tap, tap, tippity-tap, tap – "Lily!"

Lily looked over at Laura who was firing a death glare in her direction.

"Can you stop with the tapping already?" Laura asked.

"Sorry." She wasn't really. Lily was agitated, and it was all the fault of the boy sitting next to her. Placing the tap-happy hand in her lap for safekeeping, Lily chanced a glimpse over at him; Benjamin appeared absorbed in his Potions essay. He wasn't really concentrating on Potions though, was he? Impossible!

Lily dipped her quill and glanced around the room. She hated the library; it was always so stinking quiet! How anybody could concentrate in that unnatural silence was beyond her.

Benjamin's quill was scratching again and Lily looked over to see him pause to flip to the next page. His fingers followed the text line by line, and Lily's hand burned as she remembered the way Benjamin had brushed it earlier when they entered the library. Lily knew he'd done it on purpose; it was no accident the way his fingers had briefly traced her palm and caressed her wrist. What had really caught her attention though, was that she could still feel it an hour later.

Tap, tap, tap, tippity-tap, tap…

"Lily!"

**Dear James,**

**I'm still going to pass on the Stinksap. I think you're full of hot air.**

**I'm sorry to say that I only knew about your game against Puddlemere because there's a Gryffindor girl that is always talking about the Cannons. Actually, to be specific, she's always talking about you. She has a life size poster of you in the fourth-year dorm. Whenever I have to go in there it's always whistling and catcalling at me. You make a really annoying poster…you know that?**

**Anyway, I do happen to enjoy Quidditch very much. I'm sure I've told you that before. I go to every Hogwarts game. Only thing is I don't really understand it very well. I know about all of the positions and the scoring and everything, but there's a lot more to it that gets me lost. At games, people get all worked up about things that I don't notice. Sometimes I just cheer or boo when the rest of the Gryffindors do even though I'm not sure why. Matt was the only one who ever explained the game to me, and that was in-between the matches since he's our Seeker, plus he's a little too excitable during non-Gryffindor matches to speak coherently. Did that make sense? I think I need to find somebody sane to explain it during a game so I can see what they're talking about.**

**Matt's still trying to patch things up. I just tell him to get lost. My friend Benjamin has been pulling some pranks on him, but I'm trying to get him to stop. It's not Matt's fault he's an idiot. I think it's just stupid genes. **

**To answer your question, Regulus Black is the one that I think knows, and I'm not going to tell you what he said, so don't bother asking again. Also, Laura and I think we know why he was in St. Mungo's at the end of the summer. Are we right?**

**Lily**

**PS: Am I going to see you at Christmas break? I was wondering if I could have another ride on your motorcycle. Lily**

"You can't be serious, Ben."

"Of course, I am Lily. I wouldn't joke about this."

"You can't!" It wasn't allowed. Benjamin was not supposed to ask her to be his girlfriend. She'd been rejecting him all term!

"Why not?"

Oh, how she wanted to tell him. And oh, how she couldn't bear to tell him. What would Benjamin do if he knew about James? A vicious battle had been waging in Lily's mind for months. It looked like it was starting to get bloody.

Lily hadn't even made up her mind about James yet, so how could she make up her mind about Benjamin? If she told Benjamin about the betrothal, he would definitely back off; but would he be so broken hearted that he'd back off too much and abandon their friendship? And then, what if she decided she didn't want James? Would Benjamin give her another chance? What if she decided she _did_ want James? Then Benjamin's heart would be broken whether she told him or not. No matter what she did, somebody was going to hurt.

It was easier to keep her mouth shut and dodge the issue.

**Dear Lily,**

**Regulus Black is NOT supposed to be talking you at all. If he does it again, please tell me right away. He's bad news and I don't want him bothering you. You're probably correct about the reason for his visit to St. Mungo's. Sirius does tend to get a little carried away sometimes, but he and Regulus covered a lot of issues that night and it wasn't pretty.**

**Sirius and I talked it over and we think we know how Regulus may have figured it out. He used to hang around us a lot when we were little, and he probably overheard at some point that I was betrothed to someone. When we paid him a visit, we didn't explain why we cared about you, but he probably put two and two together and realised that you're my fiancée. I know you still want to keep our relationship a secret and I don't think you need to worry about him telling anyone. He values his own hide too much to risk it.**

**On a more cheerful note: I see a lot of posters and I've never heard of one so obnoxious as the one you described! Please don't hold it against me! I told my friends about it when I got your letter and I think they're still laughing. I should have kept my mouth shut – I'm never going to hear the end of it.**

**My coach wants me to meet with a Ravenclaw Chaser named Orlan Mejia. He's a seventh year student that the scouts are trying to recruit for the team. Maybe I can arrange the meeting at Hogwarts after a Ravenclaw game. That way, we could go to the match together and I could explain as much QT (Quidditch Tactics) as you want. Just an idea – let me know what you think.**

**You can expect to see me during your holiday. I'll be glad to take you out on the bike any time you want. You'll need to really bundle up though – it's going to be cold.**

**I'm going to get you some Stinksap. We can both try it and then you'll see how right I am.**

**I miss you.**

**Love James**

**PS: That Benjamin kid sounds cool! I'd prank Matt too. JP**

The air was cold and the sun was bright and two girls stretched themselves over a rock near the lake, hoping to catch a few straggling rays of the sun's warmth before winter set in with a vengeance. It was starting to feel like a lost cause.

"James Potter or Benji Summers?" Laura asked.

Ouch. That was a harsh one. Laura wasn't playing around.

Finally, Lily answered "Benji," and Laura looked over in shock, demanding an explanation. Laura clearly hadn't been expecting that.

"Benji looks at me like I'm the most beautiful woman in the world. James looks at me like I'm his favourite kid sister."

Laura nodded and looked back towards the sky. "Guys suck."

"Amen, sister." Truer words were never spoken.

Lily saw the clouds rolling in. "So much for sunshine."


	11. Pete's Place

Chapter 11: Pete's Place 

Lily couldn't feel her nose anymore. She had stubbornly refused to wear her scarf pulled up around her face, and her cheeks had begun to sting. At least she looked cool. Too bad they were invisible.

Christmas holidays having finally arrived, Lily was intent on having a good time. Thus far, she'd been successful.

A frosty layer of ice covered the roads, but clever James was flying his motorcycle only a few feet above the ground. He kept trying to scare Lily with last minute turns and dangerous moves – and Lily loved every reckless minute of it. The coolest thing about a flying motorcycle was that there was an extra option when dodging an object in the way: just go straight up! Lily's mother would have passed out if she had known what they were up to.

They were momentarily hovering over a traffic light in the middle of town, safely out of the paths of stressed out holiday shoppers. It was a good place to catch their breath.

James watched Lily over his shoulder. "I have a surprise for you."

"What kind of surprise?" she asked. She never really knew what to expect with James.

He smiled and winked. "If I told you, then it wouldn't be a surprise."

With a roll of her eyes, Lily rubbed her cold nose. "If you aren't going to tell me what it is, why do you even bother bringing it up?"

"Because now you can have fun anticipating it!"

"How can I anticipate something if I don't know what it…aaaah!" Lily forgot all about her retort when James accelerated and plunged the bike deeply between rows of oncoming cars.

Adrenaline pumped painfully in Lily's ears and a jumble of vehicles were blurring around them. Forcing herself to keep her eyes open, Lily gripped James and held her breath. With a sharp movement, James pulled up just in the nick of time, avoiding a lorry changing lanes. Lily breathed again as they levelled out and she giggled into James' back. That was incredible.

"That better not have been the surprise!"

"It wasn't."

Within a few short minutes they were cruising out of town just above a strange back road. Lily had never taken the road before, but James seemed to know exactly where he was going. Relaxing, she leaned against him and watched the trees running past in such a hurry; the forest was as pretty as it was unfamiliar. Lily wondered if her mother knew where James was taking her; she'd ask him later. It paid well to know what she could mention around her parents without causing trouble.

James pulled up in front of a tiny house on the edge of a little speck of a village. Lily hoped they were going inside; the wind was picking up, and she couldn't recall ever feeling quite so cold. Swinging her leg over the saddle, she found her legs frozen solid and stumbled when her feet hit the ground.

"Easy now." James steadied her balance and supported her with his arm. How embarrassing.

"Shake your feet around a bit," he suggested. "It'll get the blood circulating again. We should have stopped for a stretch break along the way to keep your legs from falling asleep. Sorry about that."

"It's okay. Are we going inside?" she asked. "I'm just really cold."

"Yeah, come on." James led her up to the doorstep, maintaining his grip around her back. Before he could knock, the door burst open to reveal two young men smiling down at Lily, and totally ignoring James.

"Hi there!"

"You must be Lily Evans!"

"Pleasure to meet you!"

"Come in!"

"You must be freezing!"

Somewhere amid their excited chattering they dragged her into the house and Lily felt dizzy as the heat from the roaring fire rushed over her. Her nose was beginning to sting.

"Nice to see you too!" A forgotten James trudged alone through the doorway behind them.

"Oh, hey Prongs," one of them called. The long-legged friend settled Lily onto the sofa nearest the fire, and passed her a cup of hot tea. Grinning like a maniac, he sat back on the footstool in front of her. Heat from the cup was seeping through her gloves and pricking her chilly fingers; she felt like she was melting.

"I'm Remus, by the way," he said, "and this is Peter." Glancing over, Lily saw the shorter young man perched on the arm of the sofa, also wearing a grin.

"Hi," she answered, feeling a bit small. They had to be James' friends that he was always talking about.

"What kind of idiot are you anyway, James?" A familiar voice approached behind her. "Bringing her on your bike in weather like this - she looks frozen solid!"

Lily craned her neck around to see Sirius leaning over her.

"Hey, sugar. Good to see you."

"You too Sirius." The heat from the fire was making her nose run and she sniffed. "Can I please have a tissue?"

Having shed his outerwear, James dropped onto the sofa next to Lily and handed her a handkerchief.

"Thank you." She dabbed self-consciously at her dripping nose.

"Look what you did, Prongs," Sirius said. "You made her sick!"

"Prongs has a knack for sickening the ladies," Remus added.

James scowled while his friends chuckled at him, and then turned his attention back to Lily. He brushed her cheeks with the back of his fingers and frowned. "You should've told me you were cold, Lily." Taking her cup and handing it to Sirius, he peeled off her gloves and started rubbing her icy hands with concern. "Hey, Pete! You got a blanket?"

James was so confusing. One minute he was taking her along on crazy reckless stunts and the next minute he was anxious about her feeling a bit chilly.

"I'm okay," Lily contested. "I'm warming up already." He didn't have to treat her like a baby.

"You should get that damp coat off," Remus suggested.

Once her coat was put aside, a fluffy blanket was piled around her shoulders, and Sirius delivered a fresh cup of tea.

"Here, sugar, this ought to warm you up." Lily took the new cup from Sirius' hand and tasted it: tea with a splash of firewhiskey. It tasted horrible but it was clearing up her stuffy throat already.

"Are you trying to get me drunk, Sirius?"

He winked at her roguishly. "That depends on how much fun you want to have!"

"What did you give her, Padfoot?" James looked like he was going to take it away.

"Just a little love, James," Lily said, smiling. "No worries!"

With that, all of the guys, minus James, started cracking up. "When you're talking about him," James motioned at Sirius, "that's always something to worry about."

"You'd best keep an eye on your girl then, Prongs." Sirius clapped him on the back before taking a seat in the biggest armchair. "Hate to see somebody snatch her away from under your nose!"

"No kidding!" Peter said, and James glared. "Oh, lighten up James. He's just teasing you!"

Remus stretched out on the floor below the hearth. "He's just stressed because we aren't behaving like he wanted."

Speaking of bad behaviour… "James, do my parents know where we are?" Lily asked.

"Umm…Not exactly," he admitted. "But I asked your mum if I could keep you all day, and she said it was alright." They'd let her hitchhike to Peru if it were James' idea.

"Padfoot," Remus asked, "did Prongs just admit to asking somebody's mother for permission?"

"Good catch, Moony! He did!"

"Amazing!" Peter said.

"Well, he does have a girl to impress now," Remus said, "and Lily's probably a well behaved young lady that…"

Lily snorted. She couldn't help it. Well behaved? Four pairs of eyes were immediately trained on her.

"Did I say something wrong, Lily?" Remus wondered, his eyes beginning to sparkle.

"No. Just don't go saying stuff like that in front of my mum. She'd probably have a heart attack or something."

"Sugar!" Sirius leaned forward in anticipation. "Are you a troublemaker? I had no idea!" How was she supposed to answer that?

"That depends how you define 'troublemaker' doesn't it." That was sufficiently vague. Lily rubbed her hands over the hot teacup, soaking up the soothing warmth.

"I thought you were a Prefect," said Peter.

James chuckled with pride. "She is. So was Moony."

"Yeah," Remus replied, "a lot of Prefects are just good at not getting caught."

"So let's hear it, sugar," Sirius pressed her. "We'd love to hear about the baddest thing James' girl has ever done at Hogwarts." What kind of question was that…and why were they all so eager to hear what she had to say? And why did they have to keep referring to her as James' 'girl'? "We've been wondering if you can keep him in line. Come on. You can't shock us." Looking at James for help, Lily saw that he looked just as interested as the others did. The little git.

"Ummm…where should I start?" Howls of laughter erupted from around the room, and they urged her to share.

"How about this," Sirius said, "what's the furthest you've ever been out of bounds?"

"Okay, well I'm not sure if this qualifies as 'out of bounds' but I'm pretty sure it wasn't allowed." Her audience waited with bated breath while Lily took a slow sip of her tea. The whiskey was giving her a faint buzz. "One time in my fourth year we had a Hogsmeade weekend and my best friend and I broke into the Shrieking Shack on a bet."

Their smiles disappeared and Remus sat straight up from the floor. Did they really believe it was haunted like people said? What wusses.

"You aren't afraid of that place, are you guys?" Lily asked with a trace of amusement.

"No," James answered. He did look very uncomfortable, though. "It's just not a safe place for you to mess around."

"We only stayed long enough to have a good look. The place was all torn up like some wild animal goes in there sometimes."

"A wild animal?" Remus said faintly.

"Laura and I think it's a werewolf."

"What makes you think that?" James asked.

"We found some old lunar calendars inside, and they had all the full moons marked."

"Did you find anything else?"

"Yes, actually. We found a secret passage inside that went all the way up to Hogwarts, only we couldn't get through there because the Whomping Willow was in the way. It'd be a really cool shortcut if we could figure out the stupid tree. Anyway, we had to go all the way back to Hogsmeade to get out. McGonagall was really ticked off about us being so late."

The guys were all looking glancing between one another and avoiding her eye. How peculiar. "Did I shock you after all?"

"Slightly," Sirius admitted.

"What did you win, by the way?" Peter asked. "For your bet?"

Lily grinned and sipped her tea. "Now the seventh years have to give us the best seats by the fire in the common room whenever we want them."

"Even this year? How did you manage it with the new seventh years?"

"Well, they didn't know how we won the bet last year, did they? We just did the same thing again. It's amazing how chicken a lot of Gryffindors are sometimes."

"You went back?" Remus asked with surprise.

"Sure."

"Even though you suspect a werewolf goes there?"

"It's not like we went during a full moon, Remus. Don't you know anything about werewolves?"

Remus opened his mouth, struggling for a suitable answer.

Ding, ding, ding! A bell started ringing in another room.

"Dinner's ready." Peter jumped up and headed for the kitchen.

"We thought you'd like something edible today, rather than Pete's usual cooking," James explained, "so we sweet-talked his sister into coming over earlier. She whipped up something or other and said we could eat it after the alarm sounded on the oven."

"Oww!" A voice shouted from the other room. "Oww, oww, oww! Hot, hot, hot!" Remus leapt up to rescue Peter in the kitchen while James and Sirius chuckled.

"Sugar." Sirius slipped onto the sofa next to Lily and hooked his arm around her shoulder, drawing her close. James was watching him narrowly from Lily's left. "I've been meaning to ask you how things have been going at school. With Regulus, I mean. He's not harassing you anymore is he?"

"He hasn't touched me all term."

Sirius nodded his approval. "What about the other stuff. Does he still try to talk to you?"

Lily looked away and her eyes ran into James on her other side.

"How about it, Lily?" Between the two of them, James and Sirius, Lily couldn't get away with anything.

She fidgeted with the edge of the blanket and answered quietly. "He talks to me sometimes."

"What does he say?"

Mainly, he kept suggesting that he would tell James the rumours that she was going out with Benjamin – but there was no way they were going to drag _that_ out of her. "He threatens to spread lies about me," she said.

"I told you," James said to Sirius without explanation.

"What else?" Sirius was ignoring James.

"He said a couple of really nasty things to me right before we left for the break." Lily nursed her cup awkwardly.

Sirius nodded again. "I'll take care of it, Lily."

"We won't be able to get anywhere near him while he's at home, Padfoot. You know how your folks are."

"We could always get him once he's back at Hogwarts," Sirius suggested.

James gave it some thought and nodded. "Sounds like the Marauders may be paying a midnight visit to the Slytherin dormitory in a few weeks." That statement raised a whole host of questions in Lily's mind, but she was a bit distracted by something else.

"Aren't you going to see him on Christmas?" Lily wondered. Surely he at least visited his brother on the biggest holiday of the year.

"Fat chance!" Maybe he didn't. Lily hoped he wasn't going to be by himself.

"What're you doing for Christmas then?"

"I dunno," Sirius said. He released Lily and stood up, stretching out his chest and yawning.

"Why don't you come over to my house with James and his mum? It'll be fun." Lily felt James slip a hand over hers and give it a squeeze. Apparently he approved.

Sirius looked over at her, deep in thought. "We'll see."


	12. Yuletide Irony

Chapter 12: Yuletide Irony 

"Ooh! Thank you, Sirius! They're perfect!"

The traditional opening of Christmas gifts was in full swing at the Evans' home, and Lily was sitting on the floor amid mountains of discarded wrappings while she hurried to try on her new sandals.

"There's something else," Sirius said. "Look in the box again!"

Digging through rumpled sheets of red tissue, she extracted a thin slip of parchment with red writing. '**_Good for one free foot massage from Sirius Black_**.' Lily burst into giggles. That was way too cute.

"Are you any good?"

Sirius leaned back up against the couch, folding his arms. "The best, I'm told."

"Why did you put 'free'?" Lily asked. "Do you usually charge?"

"You better believe it, sugar." Sirius winked suggestively.

"How much?" Now she was curious.

"Can't tell you."

"Why not?"

"James would kill me if I corrupted you with that kind of information."

"What is that?" James asked.

"It's an offer to give me a massage."

"_What_?" Spinning around to face Sirius, James' face began to turn red.

"Not _that_ kind of massage, Prongs." Sirius rolled his eyes and help up his hands. "A foot massage. Perfectly innocent. I swear!" Were they insinuating what she thought they were insinuating? Lily felt her face heat up.

"I want to be there," James demanded. He was acting like a jealous boyfriend.

Sirius remained completely cool. "That's entirely up to Lily, Prongs." They both looked at her. Alrighty then. Lily was feeling just a touch uncomfortable. Maybe she didn't want the foot massage after all.

"Sure," Lily said. Whatever that meant. "James, you haven't opened the one from me yet." James' eyes lit up as Lily pushed a heavy gold package towards him.

Shoving through some crumpled paper, she crawled closer to him on the carpet while he ripped the gift open. "I wasn't sure if you'd like it, but I thought it was kind of cool, so I took the chance. So what do you think?"

James was holding a thick book labelled 'The Most Ancient and Boring History of Stinksap.' "Umm…it's really…I…It's…I don't know what to say." He looked adorably flustered and Lily watched as he shot a hasty 'help me' glance at Sirius.

"Aww…Prongs is so polite!" Sirius got a glare for his 'help' while he watched the scene before him.

Lily just couldn't take it any more. Dissolving into giggles, she leaned over and opened the book to point out a spell scribbled on the inside front cover. "You'll have to do it," she managed to spit out through her laughter.

Once James had pulled out his wand and pronounced the incantation, the cover of the book reversed back to the original title: 'Modern Team Sports, a Beginner's Handbook.'

"Whew!" James pushed his fingers through his hair with obvious relief. "You had me worried for a minute there!"

Sirius was cracking up; he'd been in on the joke all along.

As James flipped through the pages, his eyes started sparkling. "Hey, this is a Muggle book! It's all about Muggle sports!"

"You didn't think I'd get you a beginner's book on Quidditch, did you?" Lily said. "Look at the bookmarks!"

"Are these tickets?"

"Yeah. To a football game – you can read about that in the book. They aren't great seats or anything, but I think you'll like it."

"Thanks, Lily." Catching her by surprise, James pulled her into a two-armed hug that put an end to her residual giggles. Lily shyly slid her own arms around his back in return and found her cheek pressed up against the side of his hot neck. He was so warm and cuddly…she wouldn't mind staying right there for a while. Lily felt a surprising sense of loss when he drew away from her.

Hello! It was James she was hugging! And there were five other people in the room! Her brain crashing back to reality, Lily avoided James' direct gaze while she felt her face heat up yet again. That was not nearly so embarrassing, though, as what came next.

"James, darling," Mrs. Potter said, attracting their attention. Their parents and Petunia were grouped on the sofas on the other side of the parlour. It seemed that they had all outgrown sitting on the floor by the Christmas tree. Each of them was turned towards James and Lily with interest.

"James, darling, have you and Lily decided on what time of year to plan the wedding?"

Choke. Gasp. Stare. Did she just say that?

"No, ma'am." James answered. "We haven't talked about it."

As he spoke, Lily became aware that she was sitting so closely to James that their legs were touching. She lurched backwards to her original seat by the tree; her whole body was burning with embarrassment. Who brought up stuff like that on Christmas morning anyway? James mum did, obviously.

Mrs. Potter wasn't finished. "Yes, well, you do have a bit of time still. Let me know when you've decided." She returned her attention to the other adults who resumed what was clearly an ongoing discussion of the expected nuptials.

"It must be before he turns twenty five then?" Mother was asking. "That gives Lily just a year after she leaves school…"

Lily didn't need to hear any more. She needed to move.

Picking herself up from the floor and hastily brushing off a collection of ribbons that were tangled about her body, Lily hustled through the door and into the hall while trying to ignore the continuing 'wedding talk.' Since their initial blowout, Lily had never directly told her parents that she had no intention of marrying James. They would get the idea eventually – there was no point in arguing the matter. She simply wouldn't allow herself to be forced into a marriage without love. What sane person could have a problem with that?

Father's deep voice was calling for James' attention and Lily sighed, knowing he wouldn't be following her. Was she relieved or disappointed? Did it matter?

Lily inhaled the crisp, sunny air as she pushed out the back door and tromped down the steps. Why couldn't she have a normal, uncomplicated life like everyone else? Normal parents didn't try to make their daughters get married right out of school. Normal girls got to date whoever they wanted. Normal girls actually got proposed to by men who loved them. If Lily's parents had their way, she would never even get a proposal; she'd just cave to their marching orders. And speaking of proposals, if she was supposedly engaged, why didn't she have an engagement ring with a big fat diamond on it? Agitated, Lily kicked at a pile of dead, icy leaves that had been swept to the side of the garden path.

"Your slippers are going to be soaked if you keep doing that," James' voice snuck up behind her.

Sure enough, Lily looked down to find her blue slippers covered in muddy, kicked apart leaves. She pulled her hands out of her pockets and wrapped her arms around herself, not looking at James, but not walking away from him either. How did he get there anyway?

"Why didn't you grab a coat on your way out, Lily? You're going to freeze to death." Sensing him draw nearer, Lily glanced up just enough to see James holding out his jacket for her.

"I'm not cold." That was a lie; she was getting colder by the minute.

James ignored her and draped the jacket around her shoulders. They stood in silence, staring out into the frozen garden. It was eerily quiet for mid-morning and Lily felt unnerved by the silence. She wondered why James had followed her outside just to stand there and not say anything. Following a sharp shiver, Lily slipped her hands through the arms of the jacket and pulled the front closed against her chest. It was his leather one; the worn collar was soft against her cheek and she pulled it up a little closer. Lily felt warm already.

"Lily," James finally said. "I'm sorry about before, in the parlour. I wish she hadn't brought it up. I haven't exactly told her that you aren't real happy about the idea of our marriage. It would upset her too much."

"It's okay."

Another moment passed in silence before James spoke again; his voice was strained. "Would it be so horrible…being with me, I mean? Do you hate me that much?" He wasn't looking at her – in fact, he seemed fascinated with a frosty bush – but his face was dead earnest.

"Is that what you think, James? That I hate you?" Lily was appalled; she felt sick to her stomach at just the thought.

"I never know what to think with you," he said. "One minute I think you might actually like me and the next minute you run away. It's like you can't make up your mind."

"I can't."

"You can't?"

If she had to repeat herself she would choke him. He didn't seem to expect an answer though; perhaps he was just digesting the thought.

Eventually, James did speak again. "What would help you make up your mind?"

Good question. Lily expected to have to think fairly hard about that one, but the answer came to mind surprisingly quickly.

"I need to know what you think of me," Lily said, becoming interested in the frosty bush herself. "You say you want to marry me, but you treat me like a little sister. It's confusing. I don't really know what you want from me." She was being starkly honest just then; she wondered how truthful James would be in return.

He stepped closer. Bending to look into her down-turned face, James tipped up her chin. "I was afraid of pushing you too fast. I don't want to push you away."

"You can't push me anywhere I don't want to go," Lily said. She wasn't quite so sure she believed that statement when James fingers moved to her neck.

His knuckles were barely grazing her throat while his thumb traced her jaw, tickling her skin. Everything about Lily just then felt unbelievably tense and uncontrollable. Unable to move, let alone think, Lily watched as James slipped his other hand into the jacket pocket and laced his fingers with her own. Leaning down, he nuzzled his cheek against hers and she felt his hot breath drawn towards her mouth. It was a soft kiss, gentle and hesitant, repeated several times; each equally chaste and sweet, each applied with greater confidence. When James leaned his forehead against Lily's she took a deep breath and dropped her head to his shoulder.

It was the oddest feeling in the world: like she was limp, but yet alive at the same time, body and soul. She was composed, yet on fire. Matt had never made her feel that way. Benjamin…well, Lily doubted that Benjamin could make her feel that way either; as adoring as he was, he never touched her spirit the way James did. Kissing wouldn't change that. She knew that at last. Just like James had told her last August, she could never be so content with anyone but him. He was right. Good grief! Lily sighed and scrunched up her face. He was right.

James withdrew his hand from their pocket and wrapped both of his strong arms around her back, like he wanted to keep her right there forever. Like holding her close sustained his very life. Was that what love felt like? Lily was suddenly consumed with a burning need to know the answer.

"James?" Lifting her head, Lily looked up, her eyes imploring him for honesty. "If it weren't for the contract, would you still pick me?"

He stared at her as though the concept of choosing someone else was entirely foreign to him.

"I mean," she tried again, "are you in love with me?"

A thousand hours passed in a single moment, and a thousand unspoken words passed from his eyes to hers, and she knew the answer. His suppressed panic told her all she needed to know. She took a step back.

Finally, James spoke: "I want to be." His words seemed to echo in her ears, chafing her. He wanted to be…

"But you're not."

He opened his mouth but nothing came out; she'd caught him, and she hated it. It made her sick.

Lily took another step backwards while she fought the pressure building in her throat - too late; it was already spreading to her stomach.

"Why are you doing this to me?" she whispered.

"Lily, the last thing in the world that I want is to hurt you." James reached for her again as he said this, but she backed away.

"Then why are you trying so hard to get me to marry you if you don't even care about me?"

"I do care about you. You mean everything to me, Lily."

"Can you even hear yourself, James?" Lily groaned with frustration. "You're nothing but contradictions. You're so confusing – you know that?" Lily stepped back again and stumbled on the porch step before turning towards the house; her head was swimming and her anger was building.

"Lily, please wait. I can explain!"

Stopping in her tracks, Lily wheeled around. "All right then, let's hear it."

But he was at a loss for words. "If I …we…do you even…" James scratched his scalp in agitation. "Please don't give up on me, Lily. Not yet. This is too important."

"Gee, thanks. That really clears things up." Leaving him in the garden, Lily charged into the house and up the stairs to her bedroom. Her stomach was twirling like she'd just stepped off of a rollercoaster. Why had she let James start to affect her? It was all her own fault he'd gotten so close.

Lily hastened to switch her pyjama bottoms for blue jeans and hauled on her boots before thrusting open the doors to the balcony. Luckily, she'd left James on the opposite side of the house. Swinging her legs over the rail, she lowered herself down to the planter and jumped to the ground.

Somehow James had managed to dodge the real question that was throbbing in Lily's mind: why did he want to marry her if he didn't love her?

Curling her fingers in her pockets, Lily headed for the back gate. She needed to get away for a little while. Maybe she would go see Mike; he always knew what she needed, even when Lily didn't.

Meanwhile, a very cold James paused in the process of kicking himself just in time to watch a relatively small redhead dash through the garden gate – a redhead wearing an over-large black leather jacket. She was leaving just as fast as she could.

James felt his heart breaking into pieces. What had he done?


	13. Understanding Prongs

Chapter 13: Understanding Prongs 

The back door banged open and James glanced over to see Sirius sauntering down the steps, lighting up a cigarette with his wand. How could anybody look so calm and collected when his own mind was swirling in chaos?

Giving James a short nod of acknowledgement, Sirius stopped a little ways off and shoved a hand in his pocket, staring out into the lawn.

"A while after you ditched me," Sirius said, "I heard an elephant running up the stairs. I figured it was your fault."

"What makes you think I did something to her?"

Sirius chuckled deeply before taking a slow drag off his cigarette. "Just a hunch."

James didn't answer; he just set his jaw and looked away. It _was_ his fault; he'd been so close and he'd ruined it. He'd gone too fast and scared her away. Swearing loudly, James lashed out at an unsuspecting tree, painfully bruising his toes. It didn't help much.

"What'd you do, anyway?" Sirius drawled as James hopped around on one foot, still cursing.

"I kicked the stupid tree."

"No kidding. I meant what did you do to Lily?"

James gingerly placed his foot back on the ground and closed his eyes, wincing. What had he done to Lily? That was easy: he'd done everything he'd meant to avoid. The real question though, was 'why?' Why had he done that to Lily? Why had he done that to himself?

He limped over to the low garden wall and leaned back against it, rubbing his eyes. At some point last summer, James figured he had it all planned out just right. If Lily wanted to play her little game of hard-to-get, fine, he would play. It wasn't such a bad idea anyway. He would get to show her just how terrific he was: handsome, witty, popular, intelligent, wealthy, humble, and generally perfect for her. She would fall head over heels in love with him, like most girls did…well, like they did when Sirius wasn't around to distract them anyway. Then, not only would he fulfil the contract, but he would also have an adoring little wife to boot. So simple. Only thing was it didn't take long to find out that Lily wasn't quite as simple as the other girls he knew. In fact, she was downright complicated.

Opening his eyes, James watched Sirius flick the ashes of his cigarette into an empty flower bed. Persuading women to do what he wanted had always come easily to Sirius; he never had to think about it. Anytime he had followed any of Sirius' advice about women however, James had somehow screwed it up – either that or the advice was bad. He'd finally stopped listening to anybody but Remus. That still didn't stop Sirius from offering his opinions unsolicited – as lascivious as they were.

Even Sirius had voiced misgivings about Lily's youth, though. James had been a bit surprised when he had discovered how young Lily was – only fifteen. He knew that in a few years the age difference would not be a problem, but for the time being it was an odd hurdle. James couldn't think of her in a…well, in the way that a man should be able to think of his fiancée. She was so innocent and sweet. It was just wrong. The whole situation was wrong; but what could he do?

A swish of wind chilled his skin and he stood up, stretching out his cold legs and breathing deeply. For the first time, James found himself doubting the wisdom of his father's decision to betroth his son. Mr. Potter had been so convinced that this was the best path; James had always believed that too. But sitting there in the Evans' garden…he wasn't so sure. If only his dad was still around – he'd know exactly what James needed to do. Everything had always seemed so clear when Mr. Potter explained things. Without him, everything felt muddy.

Sirius Vanished the butt of his spent cigarette and leaned on the porch railing. "She'll forgive you, you know. Lily's a nice kid like that."

"Maybe." Lily was one of the most compassionate girls he'd ever met, but he'd seen that look on her face – she didn't want to forgive him.

"She will."

"I kissed her," he admitted. James leaned back up against the wall again.

Sirius shot him a look of surprise and then shook his head, drawing out another cigarette. "Prongs, you've been off women way too long."

"Tell me about it."

They sat in silence for a moment before Sirius began to chuckle.

"What's so funny?"

"It just occurred to me," Sirius said, trying to stifle his smirk, "with Lily running off like that and all, you must be one horrible kisser."

"Shut up, you stupid prat. She liked it." At least he thought she did. He certainly liked it anyway; holding her small form in his arms had made him feel peaceful and excited all at once. That was probably just a premature victory sensation; he'd been so sure he finally had her.

"You're sure about that? I mean, running off mad isn't exactly what pleasantly snogged women usually do."

"She didn't get mad because of that, you idiot."

"Okay then, Prongs, what happened? You didn't bring up her little boyfriend at school did you?"

"No! I've already told you I don't believe that lie." Several weeks back, James had started getting owls from a wizard maliciously accusing Lily of carrying on a secret romance with one of her classmates: some guy called Benji Summers. Of course, it hadn't taken all that much effort to trace the letters back to Regulus Black. With the sort of history Regulus had, James wasn't about to believe him over Lily. It was a no-brainer.

"I don't believe it all either," Sirius said, "but I still think there's got to something behind it. I've heard Regulus pile it on enough times to know when he's telling at least a half-truth."

"I don't trust him," James said sharply. "I trust Lily. She wouldn't do that to me, Padfoot. She promised."

"I know. I know."

James sighed and stretched a muscle in his neck. "She asked me if I was in love with her," he blurted out.

Sirius looked horrified; in his opinion, that was the question of death. "What did you say?"

"The truth."

"The truth? That never works, Prongs!" Trust Sirius to say that.

"I'm not going to lie to Lily."

"And you shouldn't, she doesn't deserve that," Sirius said. "But there's only two ways to answer that sort of question from a woman, mate. You either dodge or you lie. With a nice girl like Lily, that means you dodge. Anything else just gets you into trouble!"

James looked at his friend incredulously. "You're the one who told her last summer that I wasn't in love with her!"

"Wrong. I told her that I didn't _say_ you were in love with her. See? That's a dodge."

"She was reading me like a scroll, Padfoot. I didn't have to say anything. She just knew. I think she's known all along."

Sirius gave him a sympathetic look. "That bites, mate."

"She got really ticked off – like I'd betrayed her or something." The thought made James sick. "I don't know what to do."

"You could always tell her what happens if she breaks the contract. You know she'd come around faster than a hooker in Knockturn Alley."

"Don't compare Lily to a hooker!" James growled. Nobody was allowed to talk about his Lily like that, not even Sirius! How dare he!

"Sorry!" Sirius held his hands up in surrender. "You know that's not how I meant it!"

Grunting, James looked away. Yeah, he knew it. Couldn't a guy feel cranky sometimes?

"You'll have to tell her eventually," Sirius added.

"No I don't."

"Stop putting yourself through this, Prongs. Just tell her. Make everyone's lives easier."

"I just don't want her to resent me her whole life. That's what she'll end up doing if she only marries me out of pity."

"Who cares if she's madly in love with you or not?"

"I do."

"So what if she even hates your guts?" Sirius argued. "Do you really think you'd be happier spending five years of your life in Azkaban? Half the wizards that wind up there don't even last the first year."

That was true. It was also the reason why magically binding contracts were rare; few wizards wanted to risk it. The standard penalty for breaking that sort of contract was five years with the Dementors. Five ghastly years. Stricter agreements existed of course, but they involved dark magic – something the Potters would never touch.

James' father had signed the firmest contract he could. Not only did that kind of personal commitment lend a huge amount of credibility to his controversial research project, but he had also considered protecting Lily Evans important enough to warrant the risk. She was worth it. As the only signing wizard, Mr. Potter was solely responsible for seeing the contract fulfilled. With his untimely assassination, however, that responsibility passed to his son. It was up to James.

James felt like he was walking a horrible tightrope. If Lily didn't marry him, he would face the horrors of wizard prison and would most likely lose his sanity, possibly even his life. If he used that information to convince Lily to accept him, she would hold it against him forever. He didn't think he could bear that. He'd been hoping to win Lily over without ever telling her his dilemma – score two goals with one move, so to speak. In the end, however, if she wouldn't come around, he'd have to tell her. There was no way he was going to go to Azkaban. There was no way he was going to give up his whole life because of a girl. In a very real sense, Lily was absolutely everything to him.

Realising that he was pacing in circles, James stopped and raised both hands to scratch his head. "I've still got loads of time. Years, even."

Sirius nodded and looked away. "Just don't screw this up, Prongs. I don't want to have to go and bust your antlers out of prison."

James couldn't help but chuckle. "You think you could do it, huh?"

"Sure. Between Moony and Wormtail and me, we could pull it off. But it'd be a beast of a chore," he said. "I'd rather not." He flicked his ashes into the flower bed again with an air of indifference. What a faker; James knew his best friend always got stressed out when the subject came up.

"Nice to know you care."

"Whatever. It'd be nicer if you'd stop standing around here like a moron. Go find Lily and start apologising!"

"What am I supposed to apologise for, Padfoot? I don't even know."

"It doesn't really matter much. Just keep saying you're sorry until she tells you what you're sorry about. Chicks are usually helpful like that."

James wondered if that would actually work; Lily might be too smart for that kind of thing. At least an effort was better than nothing anyhow, but he'd have to find her first.

"Where do you think she went?"

"Like I would know," Sirius said. "You're the one who stalked her all summer."

"Ha, ha." Very funny. It would've only been stalking if she didn't want him around. She did like having him around, didn't she?

Trying to suppress a grin, Sirius shrugged.

"Are you going to hang around here till we get back?" James asked.

"Nah. I think I'll pop over to the Lupin's for a minute. I'll be back in time to eat, though."

"When is that?"

"Lily's mum says we're eating at noon," Sirius said. "That'll give you plenty of time to straighten out your girl."

"I'd better get going then. See you later, Padfoot."

"Good luck, Prongs." With a tiny pop, Sirius Disapparated and James found himself alone once again.

Groaning, he scratched his scalp roughly and looked into the sky. Clouds were edging their way in menacingly, and Lily was out in it. What a mess.

First he tried the beach. There was that one section that Lily was always wandering over to, but he didn't see her there. Good thing too, because it was bitter cold down by the water. Next he tried the Swamp, which ended up being deserted.

The only other place that James could think of to look for Lily at was Mike Johnson's house. If she wasn't there, maybe he would have to start roaming the neighbourhood shouting her name. Wouldn't she love _that_.

Without his invisibility cloak, the only safe place to Apparate on Mike's street was several blocks away from his house. So there James was, trudging up an empty street, wondering about the complicated girl who was leading him on a wild goose chase all over town. He had no idea what he was going to do when he actually found her. It all depended on how angry she was still was.

James rubbed his cold hands together and shoved them deep inside his pockets. Why did Lily get mad at him anyway? Why did she care so much that he wasn't in love with her? It wasn't like she was in love with _him_ either. She'd made _that_ perfectly clear.

Lily was a sweet girl, though. Any guy would be lucky to have her. But she wanted to be in love. Love. What's the big deal about Love anyway? Girls liked it – he knew that much. They lapped up all that romance and flowers and garbage; but it was easy to dole out that kind of stuff; all it took was money. Somehow James didn't think Lily would put as much stock in that as other girls did, though. She wanted something more.

Growling with frustration, James marched across an intersection while glaring at his damp shoes. Whenever he heard people talk about Love beyond 'romance', all they ever talked about was passion and fire and sexuality. He couldn't help it if he didn't feel that with Lily. Not that she wasn't beautiful, gorgeous even - because she was. And it wasn't that he didn't enjoy being around her; in fact, James missed her terribly when she wasn't with him. He just couldn't think about her quite like he would expect to if he were in Love. Instead, he wanted to protect her, make her happy, keep her all to himself…

James stopped and looked around. While he'd been distracted and watching his shoes, he'd walked straight past Mike's house without noticing; he'd have to double back three houses. Hopefully she was still there – if she'd been there at all.


	14. Thumbs Up

Chapter 14: Thumbs Up 

Through the open garage door, Lily and Mike watched the quiet activity of Christmas Day begin to ripple through the neighbourhood. They sat atop a cleared space on the workbench in the back of the garage, where it wasn't quite as chilly, and Lily leaned against Mike who had his arm wrapped around her shoulders. Few people grasped the fact that Lily had two quite separate lives to lead. Hanging out in the Johnson's garage was such a solidly Muggle experience that it was not difficult for Lily to set aside everything wizard…to feel distanced and protected from everything and everyone magical.

"The little kids will be swarming outside soon," Mike noted. "They're just waiting for their mummies to bundle them up properly."

Shifting her leg that was threatening to fall asleep, Lily sighed. Parents always wanted to control their kids as much as they could; she'd rather be forced into three coats and four pairs of pants than be forced into a wedding. Shoot, she'd be happy to wear a Smurf costume to school all year if it would get her out of the betrothal.

Earlier that morning, when Lily had turned up on Mike's doorstep, she had finally broken down and told him as much as she could about James – leaving out the magical bits of course. He'd already figured out from the previous summer that James was serious about attracting Lily's attention, but was a tad shocked to find out that her parents were encouraging it. Mike also claimed that Lily had fancied James ever since the summer, but she wasn't buying that. When she argued with him about it, he just plastered a smug look on his face and stopped talking; he was so maddening sometimes.

A figure passed by the house on foot – clearly underdressed for the weather. He didn't seem to be paying attention to where he was going, though; his head was down, his hands were balled in his pockets, and his black hair was flopping over his eyes. Lily recognised James instantly; nobody could mistake that hair. James was mumbling to himself as he walked straight past the house without a glance.

"Do you think he meant to stop here?" Mike asked.

"Probably," Lily replied. That was actually kind of funny.

"Are you going to stop him?"

"Nope."

"He'll figure out where he's going eventually."

"Yeah, well, he'll have to manage that on his own," she said. There was no way she was going to go chasing after James Potter.

"When he comes back, you have to talk to him," Mike added.

"I don't have anything to say to him." Well, not anything polite anyway.

"Liar."

"Why should I tell him anything except to 'get lost'?"

"You know, Lil, it's not like he's trying to mess with your head for his own sick fun."

Lily just grunted in response.

"Did it ever occur to you," said Mike, "that maybe he's really just trying to do the right thing?"

She shot him a look of disbelief and he continued.

"I mean, you keep complaining that he shouldn't be chasing you around if he's not in love with you, right? But isn't that what _dating_ is all about? Falling in love? Who waits to fall in love before they go on a date?"

She shrugged. Of course he was right, but she still wouldn't admit to being unreasonable. Her situation was different!

"He's just trying to date you, Lil, and from what I saw last summer, he sure fancies you. That's a start isn't it? You're just scared because you're already being asked to marry him."

How did Mike manage to do that? No matter how much she disliked what he said, she could never figure out a way to argue with him. How annoying.

Eventually, a more alert looking James came back into view and peered up the driveway. When he caught Lily's eye she looked away; she wasn't ready to talk to him again just yet.

"Mind if I come in?" He was standing at the edge of the garage with a hopeful look on his face.

Since Lily was ignoring him, Mike spoke up. "Hey, James. Come on in." Withdrawing his arm from Lily's shoulder, Mike nudged her in the back, making her sit up straight. He couldn't make her look at James though, and she trained her eyes on her fingernails.

"Hi, Mike." James stepped in out of the snow and nodded politely.

"Well," Mike said, "my time's up!" He jumped down from the workbench and grinned. "She's all yours James." With that, he wished then both a very happy Christmas and promptly disappeared into the house before Lily could make up a reason for him to stay. The little git – she'd get him back for ditching her like that.

For the time being, however, she had to deal with another little git – the one that was shivering in front of her.

"Hi."

"Hi." Refocused on her fingernails, Lily tried to avoid looking at James while he edged over to stand in front of her.

"Lily," he said, "I, um…I'm sorry."

She didn't answer. She couldn't. She didn't know what to say. She just picked at a cuticle that needed to be trimmed, not looking at him.

"I know I messed up," James went on. "I just…I wish you'd forgive me. I need another chance. Please?"

Lily's picking fingers switched to a different nail.

"Oh, come on, Lily. Won't you talk to me?" Extracting his fists from his pockets, James took hold of Lily's fidgeting hands in her lap, putting an end to her cuticle inspection.

"Your hands are cold," she said.

"You have my gloves."

"I do?" Lily looked up at him and he nodded. "Where?"

"The inside breast pocket." Lily had not forgotten that she was wearing James' jacket; in fact, she rather liked it.

"Do you want them?" she asked. Maybe he wanted his jacket back too.

"Not right now." James tightened his grip on her fingers and took a deep breath. "Lily, listen. I care about you. I want to be with you...and I want to love you, but I need your help on this. I need you to let me in."

Unable to pick at her fingers, Lily resorted to sucking on her teeth instead. He'd probably been practising that little speech while he walked up the street. She wasn't stupid enough to fall for it; but still, it was kind of sweet.

Sighing, James quietly said, "Please don't stay mad at me. I'm really sorry. Really."

Lily folded her hands around his icy fingertips and rubbed them, trying to warm him up. "Me too," she murmured.

"You are?" James said, looking astonished. "About what?"

"Everything." Wasn't that the truth!

The whole day had been a mess. If Lily hadn't let James kiss her – if she had just pushed him away instead – then her mind would never have gotten so flustered and confused, and they never would have started fighting. Being mad was never fun, but it was especially horrible being mad at James; she'd been feeling all broken and lacking ever since she ran away from him earlier. She wasn't used to that; then again, she also wasn't used to being deceived and betrayed.

James was trying to regain Lily's attention. "Lily, are we okay?"

"I don't know." She meant it.

Lily desperately wanted everything to be okay between them. But how could they be? He'd made her think he loved her and then backed out at the last minute. She wasn't going to put herself in that kind of situation again.

Mike didn't think James had hurt her intentionally though, and deep down, Lily knew he was right. Even so, that knowledge didn't make it less painful – in a way it was worse. As hard as he was trying to feel something for her, James didn't really care about Lily at all. He couldn't help it. That hurt more than anything.

Lily needed to move. Releasing James' hands, she said, "We should get back." Hopefully he would be merciful and let her change the subject.

He nodded and backed up so that she could slide down from the workbench. He didn't give her much room though, and as soon as her feet hit the floor, James embraced her. Keeping her face down-turned, Lily's cheek pressed into his damp jumper and she felt her throat tighten. James kissed the crown of her head before letting her go and clearing his throat.

Lily could tell he was freezing. "Do you want your jacket back? I can borrow one from Mike."

"Nah, you keep it," James said. "I'm not cold." Okay tough guy, have it your way. Unzipping the jacket, Lily reached for the inner pocket and located James' gloves. She handed them over without comment.

"Thanks." James grinned sheepishly and worked his fingers into the warm wool and leather.

Re-tightening the collar around her neck, Lily walked out onto the driveway and stared straight up into the cloudy sky. She looked over towards the house and caught Mike watching her from his window; he was giving her an alternating thumbs-up and thumbs-down sign along with a crooked smile. Laughing, Lily shrugged, but James came up behind her and gave Mike a thumbs-up. Lily would talk things over with Mike tomorrow.

It was Christmas. A strange Christmas, true, but it was Christmas all the same. Walking home, Lily watched the awakening community with fascination. Up and down the street, little children were already bursting outside to ruin their new toys. Someone's father was standing in his slippers on the porch while he watched the noisy action and sipped his very steamy cup of coffee. The family cat was sneaking out the door behind him. A teen boy that Lily recognised was helping his little sister ride her new bike. Several children were clambering out of a minivan that had just pulled up to the curb and were shouting for 'Grandma' who ran out to meet them. A black dog was barking with excitement as a large scale game of hide and seek seemed to be breaking out among some boys a little further down, drawing the other neighbourhood kids like a magnet. And a young couple with much on their respective minds strolled down the path in an awkward silence.

Once Lily and James had passed, mostly unscathed, through the children's game, they turned down the quiet, narrow road that led to the Evans' back gate. As she approached the fence, Lily felt something cold and wet shoved into the palm of her hand. Startled, she looked down and saw a shaggy black dog nuzzling her fingers with his nose as he trotted along behind them.

"Oh, hi there! Look how cute you are!"

When James turned to see Lily reaching down to scratch the dog around the ears, he rolled his eyes and laughed, shaking his head. Maybe he thought she was silly for talking to a dog; James would just have to get over it.

"I've never seen you around here before," Lily said to the dog. She squatted down next to him and scratched his back happily. He seemed really friendly. "Your family must have moved here recently."

"He looks like a mangy old stray to me." James stood with his arms crossed and a amused expression on his face.

"Don't listen to nasty old James," Lily cooed to the dog. "You're a good boy, aren't you?"

James snorted and the dog gave a short bark. "I'll bet he's swarming with fleas."

"He is not. Leave him alone. I like him." The dog leaned into a vigorous scratch on his ribcage. "Look, James, he likes it."

"Yeah, I'll bet he does," James said.

"Come here and pet him," Lily suggested. The dog ducked around Lily and settled himself under her arm, giving James a fierce look.

James laughed. "I really don't think he wants me to do that."

"Aww. You aren't afraid of James are you?" Nudging her hand with his nose, the dog looked at her expectantly and she laughed, moving to scratch him some more. "I need to go, boy. You should go home too." In response, Lily got a slobbery lick across her cheek.

"Hey!" James marched towards the dog. "You keep your tongue to yourself!"

As Lily stood up, wiping her cheek off, the dog ran around behind her to avoid James.

"Go find your own girlfriend if you want one!" James tried to grab him by the scruff of the neck, but wasn't quick enough. By the time he'd reached around Lily, the dog had run around to Lily's other side. James lunged for him again and missed, but the dog still stayed close to Lily. This went on for several attempts before Lily realised that James was laughing and that the dog was wagging its tail. Were they playing with each other? Whatever they were doing, Lily was stuck in the middle as the two were practically chasing each other in circles around her legs. She couldn't help but hope they didn't knock her over.

James finally gave the dog a sharp slap on the butt, causing him to run off a few metres where he turned and growled in reproach while James laughed.

"Serves you right you ugly mutt!" he called.

The dog ran away and disappeared in a stand of trees.

"That wasn't very nice," Lily said.

"He asked for it."

"He's just a dog, James. What if he's afraid of me now?"

"Don't worry." James smiled and opened the gate. "I'm sure he won't hold it against you."

"How do you know?" Lily wondered defensively.

"Just trust me."

Trust him? Why should she? What did he know anyway?

They crossed the garden and were approaching the back porch when Sirius strode into view from around the side of the house. He jogged past James, whacking him on the back of the head, and then sidled up next to Lily and wrapped an arm around her waist.

"There you are, sugar! I missed you," Sirius said. He led her into the house while a disquieting wave of guilt washed over Lily. She realised that, because of her, Sirius had been left alone with her family. Poor guy! "I'm really sorry, Sirius. I've been totally rude today."

"Oh, please!" he said, opening the door for her. "You don't have a rude bone in your sweet little body."

Lily grinned broadly. "That's got to be the nicest lie I've ever heard."

"I do my best."

"So you forgive me, then?" she asked.

"Of course." Following her inside, Sirius closed the door in James' face and held it shut. "But you have to do me a favour."

"Okay." The doorknob was rattling while James tried to push the door open. "What kind of favour?"

"Well, you know how James is completely smitten with you, right?"

Where did that come from? "No. He doesn't like me that way." He'd already told her so.

"Sure he does." Sirius waved away her objection and went on. "But he's kind of clueless, you know. He needs a little help."

James rapped on the window while rubbing the back of his head.

"What sort of help?" She was getting worried.

"Just be nice to him and give him a lot of time. He'll come around eventually."

She wasn't so sure about that. "I'm already nice to him."

"I know you are, sugar; just keep it up. Give the guy a little encouragement."

Lily watched through the glass as James gave up on knocking and ruffled his hair in deliberation. She wasn't quite sure she wanted to encourage him. If he didn't love her, she sure wasn't going to try to make him. And did she even want him to feel that way at all? It was horrible feeling so mixed up and confused.

Lily finally chose not to respond to Sirius' request. "Why did you lock him outside?" she asked.

"Because he's hilarious when he's aggravated, isn't he?"

He had her there; she was trying not to laugh at the expression on James' face. "He's got his wand out now," Lily warned, moving cautiously away from the door.

"Thanks for the tip!" Spinning around, Sirius yanked the door open. "Prongs! There you are. Lily's been looking all over for you!"

Smiling, Lily peered around Sirius' shoulder and caught James' twinkling eyes. He was awfully hard to stay mad at…the little git.


	15. Ignoring Lessons

Chapter 15: Ignoring Lessons 

Lily sat cross-legged in a tangled pile of blankets and rubbed her face pathetically. She really didn't want to get out of bed. Holidays were over, classes were back in session, and she'd spent all week trying to keep up with the accelerated pace the professors were setting for the fifth years. Luckily it was Friday – if she could manage one more day of classes, she'd be able to sleep in the next morning.

Poking one of her feet out from under the covers, Lily shivered and pulled it back in again. Why did the dormitory have to be so cold? It didn't do much to encourage students to get up on time. Groaning, Lily tugged at the blankets until her head was uncovered.

"Good morning, sleepyhead." Julia was kneeling by the small hearth, building up the fire.

"Morning," Lily mumbled through a yawn. It really was unusually cold.

"You don't happen to know who opened the window last night, do you?" Julia asked.

"The window was open?"

"Yeah. When Laura got up it was part-way open – like somebody was in a hurry and didn't close it all the way."

"Wasn't me." Tightening the blankets around her shoulders, Lily slid out of bed and curled up next to the fire.

"Marianne said the same thing. I can't think of who else would have been in our room last night. It's really strange."

"Maybe it was one of those home elf thingies," Lily suggested. Those little guys really creeped her out.

"A house elf wouldn't have been that careless," Julia said. She stood up to finish dressing. "It's really suspicious."

Before long, Laura emerged from the washroom with a cloud of steam. "Did you ask Lily?" she said.

"It wasn't her," Julia replied, looking up from her shoelaces.

Lily half-heartedly pulled herself to her feet and began piling blankets back on the bed. "I'm sure you'll solve the mystery, Julia. When you do, save a bit of the culprit for me. I'll come up with some horrible punishment."

"Why do I always have to figure out these kinds of things?" Julia asked. "I want to do the punishing this time!"

"Fine. Punish away! But you have to catch them first."

"Why don't you catch them?"

"Because I'm going to take a shower!" Lily grinned, and Julia rolled her eyes.

While she gathered her things for that nice, warm shower, something unfamiliar caught Lily's eye on the bedside table. A tiny jar had been perched on top of her clock. Picking it up to read the small label, Lily squinted in confusion. Why was a jar of Stinksap by her bed?

"Does this belong to anybody?" Lily waved the jar around at the other girls who shook their heads. How odd.

Funny thing was, Stinksap make her think about James. He was always falling back on that strange little joke about eating Stinksap. She remembered the last day of Christmas holiday when he was teasing her about it again. He'd had that cute sort of half-smile on his face that he got whenever he was trying to pretend to be serious but couldn't even come close. James kept insisting that he was going to buy her some Stinksap to taste, but she knew he just wanted to get a rise out of her.

"Lily," Laura called, "if you don't hurry up I'm going to leave without you again."

"I'm hurrying, I'm hurrying!" Dropping the jar into her bag, Lily headed for the shower. She didn't want to be late to breakfast; Hadassah should be back from delivering her letter to James, and would expect a treat. She might even have a reply.

**Dear Lily,**

**I'm completely stunned to know you were happy I didn't get you a vat of Stinksap for Christmas. Here I've been thinking that you were disappointed! At least you were surprised anyway.**

**Try not to stress too much about your OWLS. The Professors always try to scare the fifth years with lectures and too much work – it's tradition. One time Remus and I caught some of them laughing about it in the Staff Room. I'm sure you'll do fine.**

**I'm glad you got to meet Remus and Peter finally. They're over here right now and want me to write you that, "it was very nice meeting you," and that, "you're invited to hang out with us more often," and that they're "really sorry that James is such a prat." On the good advice of Remus, I'd like to second that last statement and ask for your opinion on the best way to make it up to you. Oh, and they also say "hi." **

**I won't repeat what Sirius says to tell you, but you can pretend it was "hi" too. I really don't know why I put up with him. Maybe I can sell him to one of those Muggle circuses or something. I bet they'd floo him right back after the first week. Okay, I know Muggles don't floo, but I can't remember how they send back junk they don't want.**

**I had fun hanging out with you over the holiday. Actually, I have fun whenever I get to spend time with you. I miss you already.**

**Love, James**

**PS: I'll bet Stinksap goes great on toast and eggs. You should try it. JP**

Potions had let out early that day after a rather bizarre accident sent several Slytherins to the infirmary with furry faces. It looked horribly like a Gryffindor prank, and Lily suspected Benjamin, but he denied his involvement, swearing solemnly on his great-grandmother's wand. Regardless of who had pulled it off, the short period caused Lily to find herself a bit early for Transfiguration.

She was leaning against the corridor wall, listening to Laura rattle on about how annoying her Potions partner was.

"So she was like, 'I can't slice the lionfish spine, it'll ruin my nails,' and I was all, 'So wear your gloves,' and she went, 'My gloves don't fit right, I might slip and cut myself,' and I was like, 'Who cares? It's not like you could be less useful,' and then she got all mad and started fake crying and Professor Doge come over and lectured me about being a team player or something and took five points off, but then that explosion thing happened and her face got all white and hairy and we got to leave." Good grief. Sometimes Laura could talk the ears off a gargoyle.

"I'm sorry you got stuck with Agnes," Lily said. She wasn't really, though; Lily had been stuck with Marissa, of all people. For some reason, old Professor Doge seemed to have thought Lily and Laura needed separating. It wasn't their fault they had so much to talk about! "Did you see how furry Marissa got? I could have sworn she was turning into a puffskein or something."

Laura giggled. "Yeah, she looked a lot better than usual."

Speaking of looking good…Lily started tapping two fingers on her cheek (two hot guys moving this way.) Grinning, Laura turned around and leaned against the wall as a pair of sixth year Hufflepuffs, fresh out of Transfiguration, came sauntering past. One of the boys looked sideways at Lily and smiled. She struggled to maintain her cool demeanour, but couldn't help cracking a grin when he winked at her. At least she didn't giggle – that would have been mortifyingly immature.

The girls watched them round the next corner. "Chris Zeller or Mark Alderton?" Laura whispered.

"Mark." Definitely.

The stream of sixth years pouring out of the classroom trickled to an end, and Lily hooked her bag up over her shoulder. Transfiguration was sure to be a joy, as usual. Swinging through the doorway, Lily suddenly was nose-to-nose with her favourite person at Hogwarts – Regulus Black. Joy upon joy.

Lily stepped back and gave him a hard look. Never let 'em see you sweat, right? If he would just leave, everything would be peachy.

Regulus set his jaw and glared down at Lily, looking her over. Lily's stomach turned, but she didn't avert her gaze. He opened his mouth and Lily prepared herself for the stream of lewd insults, but they didn't come. Instead, he just shoved past her, bumping her hard with his shoulder, and – oddly enough – he skipped away down the hall. Lily tossed a parting glare in his direction; take that, coward!

By that point, a number of fifth years were stacked up outside the door, trying to get into Transfiguration on time. Laura steered Lily to their desk and plunked her down in the chair.

"That was new, wasn't it?" Laura commented. "Since when does Regulus Black skip?"

"Since never." Good point; before today she wouldn't have thought it was possible. "I'd bet it was just left over from some kind of hex." That was the only plausible explanation.

Unloading the contents of her bag onto the desk, Lily found the little jar that had turned up in her room that morning. She hadn't given it much thought yet, but now it was giving her an idea.

"Who do you think would have hexed him?" Lily asked.

"I don't know," Laura said, laying out some parchment, "but did you see that bruise on his face? He probably just got in a fight."

"I wonder who it was with." Lily was beginning to suspect someone, but it seemed so ridiculous.

Laura flipped to the right chapter in her book. "Have you heard anyone talking about a duel recently?"

"Don't ask me, Laura. You're the gossip hound."

Professor McGonagall was glaring for attention so they faced forward, dipping their quills for note taking. Laura tore a corner from her parchment and scribbled a message. When McGonagall's back was turned, Laura crumpled the parchment into a tiny ball and muttered "_Mobilichartula,_" sending it stealthily over to Marianne's desk. Laura may have been a gossip hound, but she was nothing compared to Marianne. If anyone had the scoop, it would be her.

Lily tried not to watch while Marianne opened and replied to Laura's message. It was hard enough to get away with passing notes in McGonagall's class; staring would only draw attention to it. At the next window of note-passing opportunity, the crumpled paper floated back to Laura who read it, and then passed it over to Lily.

_**M – Any duels this week? – LT**_

**L – None. But word is that Black was roughed up. He's not saying who. – M**

Seeing that Professor McGonagall was on a roll with her lesson, the girls bent over their parchment so that their heads were conveniently close together.

With a hushed voice, Laura said, "It's not like him to pass up a chance to rat somebody out."

Lily faked like she was scribbling some useful information while she whispered, "No, it's not." However, he didn't tell on James and Sirius when they paid him that little visit last summer either. And then there was another weird thing: "I don't think he's ever missed a chance to say something nasty to me."

"He hasn't," Laura confirmed. Until then, anyway.

Over the Christmas holiday, Sirius and James had hinted at plans to 'encourage' Regulus not to talk to Lily anymore. They wouldn't tell her much of anything on the subject, but she could tell that they were plotting something. With Regulus looking like he'd been in a fight, and then skipping an opportunity to insult her, it seemed like maybe the guys had carried out their plans after all. There was also that weird, entirely James-like jar of Stinksap in her room, and then that unclaimed prank on the Slytherins in her Potions class. It almost looked like they had paid a visit to Hogwarts in the middle of the night.

There were way too many holes in that theory, though. First of all, they would have had to break into Hogwarts. Hogwarts was supposed to be one of the safest places in the world; it wouldn't be so safe if a couple of guys could break in whenever they wanted.

Second of all, assuming they did break in, they would have had to get into the Slytherin dormitory to find Regulus. Gryffindors couldn't just walk over to the Slytherin dormitory. Not only was it hidden, but it probably needed a password just like every thing else in the castle.

Thirdly, pulling off that prank in the Potions lab, and dropping off the Stinksap in her room would have required some serious cross-castle mobility. It wasn't impossible to get around with out being noticed, but it was difficult. Pringle always seemed to be everywhere at once – only the best sneaks could avoid him. Maybe James could have gone undetected, but he still wouldn't have been able to get up the stairs to the Gryffindor girls' dormitory.

It just didn't make any sense. There had to be more plausible explanations. If she thought hard enough, there was sure to be some good reason why, for example, Regulus had avoided talking to her in the doorway earlier. He almost looked too scared to talk to her…

"Maybe I've grown enough this year to look intimidating," Lily whispered.

Lily looked over at Laura to see her friend shaking with laughter. Okay, okay…so Lily knew she wasn't intimidating; she wasn't really serious about that anyway. Laura covered her mouth and was beginning to squeak with traitorous giggles, despite her best efforts to remain silent.

"It's not that funny," Lily whispered, feeling indignant. It wasn't like she was a pushover or anything.

At that point, Laura lost it. She started laughing with loud choking breaths, holding her ribs and, unavoidably, drawing the attention of the professor.

"Is there something you'd like to share with the class, Miss. Thomas?"

After a few deep breaths, Laura managed to spit out, "Lily thinks she's intimidating!" before dissolving, once again, into a fit of giggles, laying her head down on the desk. Other students were starting to giggle too. Were they laughing at her or at Laura?

"I do not," Lily defended weakly. Whoever they were laughing at, it was all Laura's fault! How humiliating. Lily slouched down in her seat as Professor McGonagall loomed over them.

"Miss. Evans, please trade places with Mr. Mitchell," Professor McGonagall ordered. "And five points each from Gryffindor for disrupting the lesson." Oh boy, was Laura going to get it after class!

Lily gathered up her things in a jumbled armful and trudged past Josiah as he made his way to sit in her place. Benjamin was grinning when Lily lowered herself into the seat next to him. At least somebody was happy.

"Hi," he whispered.

Lily forced a grin in response. She really wasn't in the mood to be friendly to anybody at that moment. At least she was sitting by Benjamin, though. It could have been worse – she could have been sent to sit by Matt.

Benjamin set up her ink for her while Lily reopened her book, trying to find the right page. What lesson were they on anyway? She leaned over and looked for the page number on Benjamin's book.

"Unit four," he whispered. "The introduction."

"Thanks."

Professor McGonagall was droning on again, and Lily tried to focus. It was something or other about Vanishing vertebrates. There were a few vertebrates Lily would love to Vanish – starting with her laugh-happy best friend. Too bad she couldn't concentrate well enough to learn the spell.

Lily was picking apart her quill when a sheet of parchment slid in front of her.

**If it makes you feel any better, I find you terribly intimidating. **

Lily rolled her eyes and glanced at Benjamin. He was staring determinedly at McGonagall's diagram on the board. Dipping her quill, she wrote him back and shoved the sheet towards him.

I didn't know you were such a chicken.

**Only around you.**

_Not very Gryffindorish of you._

**I can't help it.**

_Okay, so why am I so frightening?_

**You aren't frightening. You're intimidating. Gorgeous women are always intimidating to guys.**

_Whatever, Ben. That still doesn't explain why I'm so intimidating._

**Whatever, Lily. You're the prettiest girl I know.**

_Don't be stupid._

**I'm not! But speaking of stupid, did you hear about the Ravenclaw Keeper? **

_Delia Peasegood? What about her?_

**Out for the rest of the season. Her parents thought it was bringing her marks down.**

_No way! _

**Yes, way! They're looking for a replacement.**

_They should get Bobby Quirke._

**Are you nuts? Bobby couldn't catch a Quaffle if it was attached to his hand with a Permanent Sticking Charm.**

_Exactly. In fact, they should get a whole bunch of horrible players._

**Nice strategy. You think we can talk them into adopting it?**

_If they're all as stupid as Delia…sure!_

**Not likely. This is Ravenclaw we're talking about.**

_Too bad. Do we have any chance of winning the cup from them this year?_

**Depends on how their new Keeper matches up against our Chasers.**

_When will we find out?_

**We play them in two weeks. Josiah and I are working up some signs and stuff for the game.**

_Can I have one?_

**Sure, if you'll sit with me at the game. The signs all go together.**

Cool. That'll be fun.

**I'll show you our plans tonight.**

Sounds good. BTW, if I fail my OWLS because I can't do Vanishing Spells, I'm blaming you for distracting me in class.

**So you find me distracting? I had no idea! Now you know how I feel around you.**

Hahaha. So hilarious.

**And you think I'm funny too? Cool! I'm on a roll!**

I never said you weren't funny. You're also crazy.

**And the compliments keep coming! Next you'll be telling me you think I'm insanely attractive.**

Lily rolled her eyes and looked over at Benjamin, who was smirking at his textbook. How was she supposed to respond to that? He was certainly a good-looking boy, but it would never do to go and tell him so. A faint blush began creeping into Benjamin's cheeks as she continued staring at him. How cute! Even though he wasn't watching her, it seemed that she certainly had his full attention.

Happily for Lily, she was saved from answering when Professor McGonagall announced the end of the class. Hallelujah! The weekend had finally arrived. Perfect timing, too!

"You want to walk down to dinner with me?" Benjamin asked while he packed up his things. "After we eat I can show you the banners we're trying to charm for the game."

"Sure." Standing to leave, Lily lifted her bag, but Benjamin caught the strap out of her hand.

"I'll get it," he said, smiling nervously.

"You don't have to do that." No guy had every tried to carry her books for her; it was kind of embarrassing.

"I know I don't have to," Benjamin answered. "I want to." He shouldered the bag along with his own, and headed for the door.

"Umm…okay." Not that he gave her much of a choice.

What was she supposed to do with her hands? Lily tried putting them in her pockets, but still felt awkward. Without the heavy weight of her books at her hip, walking out of class just didn't feel quite right. Maybe she was forgetting something.

Lily couldn't shake the nagging sense that something was wrong. Up ahead, she could see her friends motioning for her to hurry up. Oh well. Whatever it was, she would think about it later.


	16. Competitive Gryffindors

Chapter 16: Competitive Gryffindors 

Opening her eyes, Lily watched as Benjamin dipped his fingertip back into the jar of red paint.

"Other side," he said. She turned her right cheek towards him, closing her eyes again.

It was breakfast time in the Great Hall, and Lily was straddling one of the benches while Benjamin painted battle stripes on her face. Preparing for a Gryffindor Quidditch match was always serious business. He traced two lines across her cheekbone, and Lily shivered when he blew on the wet paint.

"Sure you don't want one down your nose?" Benjamin asked.

"No thanks." Lily opened her eyes and saw him grinning as he held up his paint-covered finger threateningly.

"How about a dot on your chin?"

She giggled and leaned backwards as he reached out for her face.

"Or, I could paint 'Lily loves Benji' across your forehead."

Lily squealed and jumped off of the bench to get away. She wouldn't put it past him to do something like that!

Laughing, Benjamin capped the jar and tossed it across the table to Josiah. "I'm unarmed, Lily. See?" He wiped off his hands and held them up in surrender. "You can sit back down."

"Actually," Josiah said, getting up from his seat, "it's time to head out to the pitch. Marcus won't be able to save us a whole row much longer." The crowd in Great Hall was thinning out; most of the student body was already making its way out to the stands.

"Miss. Evans," a voice called. Lily turned to see Professor McGonagall striding towards her. "Would you please follow me, dear?"

"Now?" Lily was horrified. Surely McGonagall wasn't cruel enough to make her miss the Quidditch match! "But there's a game!"

"Yes, now."

Lily looked across the table at Laura, who seemed to be just as confused as Lily was. Was she in trouble? They had been really good lately! She sighed in resignation and followed McGonagall towards the front of the Hall. "I'll see you guys later," Lily said.

"We have a special guest at Hogwarts today," the professor told her. "I expect your conduct today to reflect well on Gryffindor."

"Yes, ma'am." What was she talking about?

They were standing in front of a door to the right of the staff table, and Professor McGonagall motioned for her to enter. Lily slipped inside and looked around. It was some kind of sitting room, and she saw Headmaster Dumbledore standing by the fire chatting with…could it be?

"James?"

James turned around and smiled at her. "Hi, Lily!"

"Miss. Evans! Good morning," Dumbledore said. "I trust you know Mr. Potter?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Excellent! He seems to need a student guide today while he is visiting the castle. I hope you don't mind, but I thought you would be up for the task." Lily nodded mutely, and Dumbledore grinned, turning back to James. "If there's nothing else, James, I must be off."

"It was good to see you again, Professor."

"Likewise, my boy. And stop by my office on your way out. I'll go over those plans with you."

"Thank you, Sir."

When Dumbledore left the room, James walked over to Lily and hugged her to his chest. "Nice war paint," he whispered.

Lily had forgotten about her painted face; she had to look completely stupid. "There's a Quidditch match this morning," she explained.

"I know. I told you I might come to a game." Lily felt a pang of embarrassment; that had completely slipped her mind.

Stepping back out of his embrace, she looked up at him. "I didn't know you were coming for sure."

James shrugged and raked his fingers through his hair. "I wanted to surprise you."

"You did that."

"Good surprised?" he asked hopefully.

Lily could see him crossing his fingers, and she laughed. "Yes. Good surprised."

Grinning, James opened the door leading back out to the Great Hall. "Come on, Lily. Let's go watch a little Quidditch."

"Sounds good to me."

"You still up for some tactical lessons?"

"Sure. I think I may be a lost cause though."

"Nah, I'll get you straightened out!"

As Lily led the way across the Great Hall, she paused when she saw a solitary figure standing up from the Gryffindor table. Benjamin was waiting for her.

"Hey, why aren't you at the game?" Lily asked, moving towards him.

"I thought I'd wait and make sure everything was okay. Prefect solidarity and all, you know." What a nut.

"Everything's fine," she said. "My friend just came in for the match this morning."

When Benjamin looked over at James, his eyes widened in recognition. "James Potter?"

"So they tell me." James extended his hand to Benjamin, who shook it with enthusiasm.

"Good to see you! I'm sure you don't remember me," Benjamin said. "I'm Benji Summers."

James dropped his hand as an odd look passed over his face. "Summers?"

"Yeah. I'm a Gryffindor. Same year as Lily."

"I know. I mean…I recognise your name."

Glancing at Lily, Benjamin smiled happily. "We should probably hurry up if we want to see the balls released," he suggested.

James placed a hand on Lily's back. "If you want," he told her, "we could sit in the top box. I was invited up there, and I'm sure I can get you in too. It's a good view." That was certainly tempting; Lily had never been in the top box before.

A quick glance in Benjamin's direction, however, dashed that thought to pieces. She had promised Benjamin that she would sit with him at the game, and he had noticeably been counting on it ever since. Squirming inside, Lily realised that James was not going to be terribly happy about it; he was expecting her to sit with him too. How did she get herself into such absurd fixes?

"Don't you want to sit in the stands with the other Gryffindors?" she asked. Maybe she could talk him into it. "It would be more fun than sitting with McGonagall up top. We're a lot more rowdy than she is."

James eyed her hesitantly and glanced at Benjamin. "It is more fun sitting with the fans. I guess we could try it."

Along with a few other stragglers, they made their way across the lawn towards the pitch, following one of many well-cleared paths through the snow. The late January air was bitter cold, and Lily was already glad that she had bundled up in her warmest robes. She still possessed James' leather jacket, and had thought about wearing it to the match. Boy, was she glad she didn't! It would have been so embarrassing if James had caught her with it on. At least he had never asked to have it back – it was way too cool.

Lily's fellow Gryffindors were a bit awed when James Potter walked up to their section of the stands with Benjamin and Lily. However, not the sort to be bashful, and quite keen to meet him, they welcomed James with gusto. Older Gryffindors, who had known James as a student, were coming up to say hello, and plucky little Zebulun Summers wiggled his way over to gush his enthusiasm, much to the annoyance of his brother.

"Hiya, James! You're James Potter aren't you! Wow! You're not nearly so tall as I expected you to be. I thought you'd be seven feet at least! You're a terrific Chaser! You know that?"

"Go away, Zeb," Benjamin interrupted.

Zebulun, however, wasn't listening. "I saw you play last summer in that game against the Caerphilly Catapults, where the ref called that foul against you for blatching…"

"Zeb! Go away!" Benjamin ordered again.

"…but I saw it all, that other Chaser totally set you up. She just wanted to get the penalty shot. I bet she bribed the ref or something. But you showed them didn't you James! You outscored them two to one!"

At that point, Benjamin was thoroughly irritated and began working his way over to Zebulun.

"That was amazing when you did that Woollongong Shimmy just before the Snitch was caught," Zebulun continued. "I never saw anybody do that before. It was completely brilliant! Do you…hey! Benji, stop it!"

In one practised move, Benjamin had hoisted his little brother up over his shoulder and was striding down the steps towards a grouping of first years. Dropping him onto a bench, Benjamin ordered him to "Stay put!" and "Watch the game!" and then jogged back up to his own spot between Lily and Josiah.

"Annoying little twit," he muttered.

"That's nothing," Lily said. "Just wait until Mary catches wind of him."

"Who's Mary?" James asked.

Benjamin just started laughing, leaving Lily to explain.

"Do you remember a long time ago when I told you about that poster of you that would always whistle and cat-call when I walked by?"

James nodded, colouring slightly.

"Well, that belongs to Mary Pritchard, she's this hyper little fourth year, and she's basically obsessed with you…and…oh, great. She's coming this way right now."

Sure enough, there she was. She had paused on the steps, while another girl was talking into her ear and pointing in James' direction. When Mary's eyes finally landed on James, she screamed, drawing the attention of the entire section, and then raced up into the stands in a very unladylike fashion.

"Oh, wow! I can't believe it! James Potter is here! At Hogwarts! It's like a dream come true! I totally can't believe it!" With that she threw himself onto him, shrieking with abandon.

Lily felt her stomach turn in revulsion as she watched the scene in front of her. The poor girl wasn't even coherent enough to notice how humiliated she ought to be.

"Help!" James choked out as he tried to detach his hysterical admirer without hurting her. Ever the gentleman…why didn't he just pitch her to the ground? He had stumbled back several feet, and was leaning against the railing while Mary's friends pawed uselessly at her arms in a feeble attempt to pull her away. Like that was going to do any good.

Sighing, Lily drew her wand. "_Placo Incitationis,_" she called, sending a jet of light straight into the side of Mary's head. Lily pocketed her wand, congratulating herself on her excellent aim, and went to assess the damage. James gripped a very calm Mary by the shoulders, holding her out at arm length, while she swayed and sighed.

Mary's friends on the other hand, were gaping in horror. "What did you do to her? How could you curse another Gryffindor like that?"

"It was just a Calming Charm. Chill out, will you Eileen?" Lily looked Mary in the eye and saw that the girl was nearly asleep. "Maybe it was a little too strong, but it won't hurt her. Just take her to bed or something. It'll wear off after a while."

Handing Mary over to her friends, James sighed in relief and pushed his hair out of his eyes. "Thank you, Lily," he said. "I believe you just saved my life."

"Oh please," she said. "You aren't really scared of a little girl, are you?"

"I'm scared of girls like that – all hyper and clingy and psychotic. You never know what they're capable of!"

"Luckily you have me to protect you."

"Yes," James said, "I'm very lucky indeed." He leaned in close to Lily's face and winked alluringly. A funny little flip-flop tingled in Lily's stomach, and a vivid memory of that time James had kissed her came to mind. She couldn't deny that he was awfully handsome…

"Hey, Lily," Benjamin called. "The game is starting!"

Tearing her gaze away from James' lips, Lily looked towards the pitch as the Quaffle soared upwards and the starting whistle sounded. A roar of cheers thundered around her when a red-clad flier was the first to take the ball.

"Come on, James!" Lily said, sliding back into the row. Benjamin handed over her sign, giving Lily and James both a funny look. "What's wrong?" she asked him.

Catching his breath, he shook his head and looked away. "Nothing." He was lying, but Lily didn't pursue it.

"What kind of sign do you have?" James asked, drawing her attention back to himself.

She raised it up to show him her handiwork. "Mine says 'Go Gryffindor!' and the others in this row have ones that support the individual fliers. But when we all hold our signs up at the same time, they'll scroll insults at Ravenclaw."

"That's pretty nifty."

"It was Benji's idea. I just helped with some of the painting and charm work."

"Lily! Pay attention!" someone shouted, and Lily looked up to see her friends raising their signs and booing. She jerked her sign up too, and blushed. She'd been too busy talking to notice that one of their Chasers had just been fouled.

"What did I miss," she asked Benjamin.

"Munch got called for cobbing LaBorde. And…YES! LaBorde made the penalty shot!" All around her, fans erupted into cheers as Gryffindor entered the lead, ten to zero. Laura, who was holding a sign (not to mention a torch) for Danny LaBorde, stood on the bench and did a little dance in celebration. The game was speeding along again in the blink of eye and, while it was very exciting, it was making Lily a little dizzy. She never could quite follow exactly what was going on.

Lily tugged on James' sleeve and he leaned down to hear her. "What's cobbing?" she asked.

In response, he used his elbow to nudge her ribs. "Hitting another player with your elbow." Okay, that made sense. Why didn't they just call it "elbowing" or something easy like that?

The Gryffindor Chasers kept the fans busy jumping up in excitement as they scored goal after goal against the new Ravenclaw Keeper, Scott Diggory.

"Diggory is the best thing that ever happened to the Ravenclaws," Benjamin laughed when Meg Lufkin scored another goal. Lily couldn't help but glance towards Laura a few seats over. Scott and Laura had broken up on none too friendly terms just before Christmas; she was cheering enthusiastically every time he missed the Quaffle.

Even while Gryffindor was racking up easy goals, Ravenclaw's Chasers were still giving them a run for their money; after an hour of play, the score was 180 to 130, Gryffindor. The Snitch had yet to appear. Meanwhile, James was happily explaining the plays and fouls and strategies that the teams were attempting to use, and Lily digested about half of what he said. What she did understand was very interesting, but it was rather difficult for her to focus on the game – she was much too uncomfortable. Lily felt sure she wasn't getting her fair share of the bench; she was completely squashed between Benjamin and James. Couldn't they spread out a little?

Although he had been excited to see James at first, it looked like Benjamin had begun to resent James' presence as the game progressed. Lily didn't miss the furtive glares that he was shooting in James' direction. James wasn't helping matters either. The more irritated Benjamin seemed to be, the more attention James paid to Lily. In return, Benjamin just got more irritated. For Lily's part, she tried to give her attention to both of them, but it didn't help much; she was still squashed in the middle.

Gryffindor fans were booing again as Ravenclaw scored another goal. "Did you see that?" James was the only one grinning, and Benjamin took the opportunity to scowl at him. "Beautiful long goal – that's throwing it in from outside of the scoring area," James explained. "That's the kid my team is recruiting."

When two more hours had passed, the Seekers still didn't seem to have spotted the Snitch even once. Lily was getting tired. Gryffindor Chasers had been putting away so many goals that the fans had taken to continuous standing. Her feet were beginning to hurt.

A large arm slid around Lily's waist as James leaned in. "How are you holding up?" he asked.

"I'm a little worn-out," she replied. His grip on her side tightened as he pulled her closer, and Lily tilted her head back, resting it on his shoulder. Maybe she could take a quick little nap standing up. Nobody would notice, would they? No such luck – Benjamin was already pretending not to look.

"The Snitch!" somebody yelled. "They've seen the Snitch! Go Matt!" The whole stadium suddenly leapt into a frenzy as the Seekers dashed after the long-awaited Snitch. Lily scrambled up on top of the bench, standing on her tip-toes, and chanted with the rest of the Gryffindors.

"Matt! Matt! Matt! Matt!" they chorused, urging their Seeker on. Matt was racing neck and neck with Edna Dearborn in an intense fight for the Snitch. Manoeuvring around a goal post, there was a collective gasp when the Seekers collided and both toppled to the ground. People down on the pitch were rushing towards the fallen fliers when the Ravenclaw raised her fist into the air, releasing a fluttering gold ball. The crowd went wild.

"Dearborn catches the Snitch!" the announcer shouted. "But Gryffindor wins! Gryffindor wins!" Jaws were dropping all around the stadium. "Final score," he announced excitedly, "Gryffindor 340; Ravenclaw 320. Go Gryffindor!"

Lily waved her sign in the air happily. Way to go Gryffindor!

An hour later, Lily was sitting in the Great Hall amid a pack of jovial Gryffindors. Right after the game, James had dashed away for a quick meeting with Orlan Mejia, promising to catch up with Lily at lunch. He didn't manage to turn up until Lily was about half way through her first slice of cake. As he landed on the bench next to her, Lily thought she heard a groan from Benjamin on her other side. No doubt he was jealous, but what did he expect her to do? Make James sit with the Slytherins?

"How did it go?" she asked.

"Brilliant! I hope we get him; he'd be a great addition to the team." James began piling up his plate with what was left of lunch.

"I bet it was embarrassing for him to lose a game right when you came to watch him," Laura said without remorse.

"It happens," James said. "Chasers aren't really so concerned with individual game wins though – that's the Seeker's job. A Chaser is more focused on the total points scored in the season."

Benjamin looked doubtful. "But you can't win the Cup if you don't win games."

"True," James said through a mouthful, "but you can spare a few games if you stack your points right. In fact," he waved his fork, "you could lose the final game and still win the Cup if you've got enough points overall."

"Really?" Lily exclaimed. "I didn't know about that!"

"But that's not likely to happen," Benjamin replied shortly.

"Maybe not," James said, "but Ravenclaw is still way ahead of Gryffindor in the fight for the cup. You only gained twenty points on them today."

"All that for only twenty points?" Laura asked. Lily was astonished too; she'd thought a win counted for more than that.

"We can catch up with them," Josiah assured her.

"Even if they don't find a better Keeper, Ravenclaw will still be hard to beat," James said. "Mejia gave them a powerful lead in the first part of the season."

Something caught Lily's eye a little way down the table. Dinah Summers was staring at James with a dreamy expression on her face, oblivious to the world around her. Apparently she hadn't quite gotten over him as completely as Benjamin thought. Lily sighed; Dinah was so pretty. Her hair was all smooth and golden brown, and her skin was so clear and even. She'd probably never even had a freckle in her life. Why couldn't Lily have skin like that? She didn't mind having a boring body and peculiar hair – if she could only have skin like Dinah's she would be perfectly content. Life was so unfair. Dinah flinched when she realised that Lily was watching her. She looked away and Dinah left the table abruptly, leaving her clueless boyfriend behind.

As Lily watched Dinah exit, she noticed that other girls were watching James as well. Did they all fancy him? They couldn't possibly be that interested in the way he ate his potatoes. Two seventh year Hufflepuff girls were leaning against each other at their table, openly gazing at James without any pretence. Occasionally one would whisper something to make the other giggle. Several others across the Hall were doing the same thing. There was even a small Slytherin girl sneaking frequent glances in his direction.

Lily turned to see for herself what all of the fuss was about. James was still talking Quidditch with the boys; when he saw Lily looking at him, he paused and winked. A throat was cleared on her other side. Lily just grinned feebly and reached for another slice of cake, imagining it would settle her stomach. Girls were so pathetic sometimes.

"You finished, Josiah?" Benjamin asked suddenly. "I'm going upstairs. See you later, Lily." With that, he stalked away.

Wearing a troubled expression, Josiah took his leave a bit more politely, and then jogged out after Benjamin. Hopefully Josiah would be able to get him sorted out – Benjamin had been grumpy all day.

Laura caught Lily's eye from across the table and grinned. "I think I'll go too," she said. "I want to congratulate Danny on the game. It was nice seeing you again, James." Taking a last swig of pumpkin juice, Laura rose and left Lily alone with James.

"Are you leaving too, James?" Lily asked. Everyone else seemed to be taking off.

"After lunch I have to go over some junk with Dumbledore, and then I'll floo out from his office. I wish I could stay longer."

Lily shrugged. "I have a lot of homework to do anyway."

"I'll walk you back up to Gryffindor Tower before I head over to see Dumbledore."

"Hey! _I'm_ the officially appointed student guide," Lily said. "Shouldn't I be the one walking _you_ around?"

"Dumbledore was just kidding about that, you know," James said, laughing. "It was the story he fed McGonagall when she looked worried about me causing too much mayhem if I wandered around the school on my own."

"Weren't you Head Boy or something?" Lily asked. "Why would she be so worried about you?"

"Let's just say that I had a tendency to apply the rules creatively." Yeah, okay. Lily could picture the chaos involved.

"I guess McGonagall didn't like that very much."

"Nah, she thought it was great," James said. "She just won't admit it."

"Sure. You just keep thinking that, James." What a goof-ball.

Once James had finally pushed his plate away, they began the trek to the seventh floor. James claimed that they were taking the scenic route. Lily called it the long way around. It probably wouldn't have seemed so long, however, if they hadn't been stopped so many times by excessively pretty older girls asking for James' autograph.

They had made it all the way to the seventh floor before Lily finally burst out with question that had been irritating her mind all morning. "Why do you bother with me, James? I don't get it. You could pick from tons of girls that are a lot better than me."

James raised his eyes sceptically.

"Take Dinah Summers for example," Lily said. "She's smart and nice and super pretty." Taller, older, curvier, funnier…the list went on.

He looked suspicious. "Who cares about Dinah?"

"She has a crush on you, you know."

"What makes you say that?"

"Benjamin told me before," Lily said, "and then she stared at you all through lunch."

"I didn't notice."

"How could you not?" Lily asked. "She's gorgeous."

"She's not nearly as pretty as you are."

Ha! That was a lie. It was sweet, but it was still a lie. Lily rolled her eyes.

Facing her, James reached out and cradled Lily's head in his hands, compelling her look at him. "Lily," he said, "I wouldn't lie to you. You know that, don't you? I think you're beautiful. I always have."

"I'm not." She tried to look away. "I'm all short and freckly."

"I think your freckles are sexy." Lily felt the heat of an intense blush seeping all the way to her toes. She couldn't possibly look at him now – not after he'd used that word about her. "And," he continued, "you happen to be the only girl I want."

"That's hard for me to believe," she whispered. Lily was convinced that butterflies were having a party in her stomach.

"Listen to me Lily. I promise I'll always be honest about how I feel about you. You have my word. No matter what ever happens, I need you to believe me." He sounded so earnest – she couldn't help but want to believe. His hands slipped down to grasp her fidgeting fingers in front of her stomach.

"Do you know what I've been thinking about ever since Christmas?" James asked. He lowered his forehead to rest on her own. "I've been thinking about when I kissed you."

He wasn't the only one. It had been replaying in Lily's mind for weeks.

"I can't stop thinking about it," he said. "And I keep wondering if you'll let me do it again."

That would be nice. It would also be dangerous. Too dangerous, in fact.

"Hoping you will," he added.

Very dangerous feelings down that road. It had been hard enough trying to forget about the first time.

"I've missed you, Lily."

The whole conversation was dangerous. The unruly butterflies were leaving her stomach and swarming her whole body.

"You're so sweet." He kissed her on the cheek and breathed against her skin. "Don't forget about me, Lily." With that, James squeezed her palms one last time before he let go and backed away. "I'll see you again soon, okay?"

"Okay," Lily nodded. "Bye, James."

Watching him disappear, Lily brought her hand up to the tingling skin on her face. Something scratchy was there, and she frowned with puzzlement. Rubbing at it, she looked at her fingers.

It was the war paint.

Beautiful.


	17. Contradictions

Chapter 17: Contradictions 

Two girls were hidden within the tightly drawn curtains of Laura's bed, tucked away under the blankets, and deep in a hushed conversation. With the fluency exclusive to fifteen-almost-sixteen year-olds everywhere, they discussed a time-honoured question.

"Do you think he likes me?"

"Of course he does," Lily replied.

They had spent a great deal of the night analysing every detail of one Danny LaBorde. Little did he know that his behaviour was subjected to such minute scrutiny.

Sensing Laura's continued doubt of Danny's affections, Lily continued with the comforting. "He came over to talk to us three times while we were sitting in the common room tonight."

Laura sighed. "He came over to talk to you, not me."

"He was just too nervous to say anything to you." The boy was obviously smitten; Laura was just being too dense to see it.

"Do you think so?"

"Yes," Lily said. "Whenever he went back to sit with his friends, he stared at you the whole time."

"Really?"

"Yeah." Laura was so lucky. All kinds of boys fancied her; she could just take her pick of whomever she wanted. Lily, on the other hand, had never been nearly so popular. It didn't help that, until James showed up, her parents had forbidden her to date – not that she really listened. They just didn't want her going out with anybody but James. They didn't want her to have any choice at all. They didn't trust her.

"He's really cute, isn't he?" Laura said.

"Very cute," Lily answered dutifully. He was a bit too tall for her own taste.

"You know who else is cute?"

"Who?" Lily asked. There was no telling.

"James Potter."

Lily rolled her eyes but didn't say anything.

"Come on," Laura pressed her, "I want to hear you say it."

"Fine. He's cute. Happy?" It was a wretch to say that – as true as it was.

"I knew you fancied him."

"Shut-up, Laura." Lily hadn't said anything of the sort. She never should have admitted anything.

"So are you going to tell me what happened with him today or what?" Laura asked, totally ignoring Lily's protestations.

Lily groaned; she had known the question was coming. "There's not much to tell."

"I don't care." Of course Laura didn't care – she knew Lily was lying.

"Okay, well…" Where should she start? "The whole time he was here, all of these girls kept staring at him and coming up to him. It was weird – like they all fancy him or something."

"They probably do."

"But they don't even know him."

"They don't have to know him," Laura said. "He's famous, rich, talented…."

"I'd barely even heard of him before we met," Lily admitted. Sometimes she was so pathetic it was frightening. "It took me a few weeks even to remember that he'd been Head Boy during our first year."

"Your family is all Muggles, though. You don't hear the matches on the WWN over the summer. Your Dad doesn't read Quidditch magazines in the loo. It isn't really surprising that you didn't recognise him."

"I guess."

"I could tell Benji was all jealous," Laura said, moving on. "Did they say anything rude to each other?"

"Not really." At least not that Lily had noticed. "But Benji kept glaring at James." That had been kind of annoying.

"Did James notice? What did he do?" Laura was sure full of questions.

"I don't know if he noticed Benji, but James was acting all possessive and touchy-feely and junk."

"How much touching and feeling?" Laura asked. What an eager little pervert.

"He kept trying to put his arm around me at the game."

"No wonder Benji got ticked," Laura said. "Did James kiss you again?"

"Yeah. On the cheek." Those little butterflies fluttered through her stomach again at the memory.

"And?"

"And what?" Lily asked.

"And what else?" Laura seemed to think she was leaving out the juicy details, but there just weren't any to tell.

"Nothing else." Lily had been reminding herself all night that she wasn't disappointed. She wasn't!

"Didn't James profess his undying love for you or anything?" Laura wondered. What kind of romance-novel-world was Laura living in anyway? She would probably like what he did say though.

"He called my freckles sexy," Lily said; that was still embarrassing.

Laura giggled and bounced on the mattress. "No way!"

"Keep your voice down!" Lily whispered. The last thing they needed was for somebody to wake up and start eavesdropping.

Laura pressed her face into the pillow while she finished her bout of giggles. "Sorry!" she whispered. "Oh, I'm so jealous of you. He's so sweet!"

"That's not sweet," Lily argued. "It's weird." Who thinks freckles are sexy anyway?

"Whatever, Lily." Laura just brushed her objection aside and continued. "What else did he say?"

"Nothing much. He made a big deal about always telling me the truth and not wanting me to forget about him." A forgettable James would be so much easier to cope with; she'd be able to just…well, forget about him.

Laura sighed dramatically. "You're so lucky."

"Lucky?" Where did that come from? She must be crazy. "You think it's lucky to have your parents try to dictate everything in your life?"

"It's not like they're trying to make you do anything horrible."

"An arranged marriage isn't horrible?" Lily exclaimed, struggling to keep her voice low.

Laura resettled herself a little under the blanket before she answered. "Anything that involves kissing James Potter couldn't be remotely horrible."

She did not just say that! "Laura!"

"He's so sexy and cuddly," she added.

"Don't say that!"

"Why not?" Laura asked. "Jealous?"

"I'm not jealous." Only extremely uncomfortable.

"I know," Laura said. "You just don't want anybody else lusting after your man."

"He's not 'my man'," she insisted.

"What do you have against James, anyway?"

Lily paused for a moment, racking her brain. "I don't have anything against him," she said.

"Except that your parents are forcing him on you."

"That's not his fault."

"No," Laura said. "But you're still holding it against him."

"I am not." Was she?

"Okay, Lily. Whatever," Laura said, obviously unconvinced. "But he's still cute, isn't he?"

"Yeah." Lily had to admit, "He is cute." The little git.

The following Thursday afternoon found Lily, Benjamin, and Josiah grouped around a dirty table in Greenhouse Three. Benjamin hadn't been himself all week; he'd been half-heartedly attempting to avoid her, and hadn't complimented Lily even once. She was beginning to miss the attention.

Removing her cloak, Lily carefully stored it inside her bag with her gloves. No matter how frigid the air was outside, Professor Sprout always managed to keep the greenhouses warm and humid. Filmy moisture was already clinging to Lily's skin, and condensation dribbled down the glass windows.

"Are we supposed to crumble the limestone, or leave it in chunks like it is?" Josiah asked Lily.

Lily pulled up a stool. "Break it up a little, but not too much," she said. "It should be in pieces about the size of gobstones."

Herbology was, by far, Lily's favourite class; there was little boring note-taking. They were able to get out of the castle, move around some, and indulge that little horticulturist gene that Lily had managed to inherit from her mother. It was fun, even if they did get a bit dirty from time to time.

Professor Sprout had the fifth years preparing seed trays for Belladonna, a very poisonous plant that was dead useful in potion-making. They had to get the soil just right for the seeds, or the full-grown plants would be worthless.

Lily sprinkled the bits of limestone into the trays while the boys worked at breaking up the larger pieces in the loudest manner possible. Surely that poor textbook wasn't used to being slammed down over chunks of rock. She cringed after a particularly loud thump.

"Can't you two find a less obnoxious way to do that?" she asked.

"Probably," Benjamin replied, "but where's the fun in that?" They certainly seemed amused with themselves. Then again, she shouldn't be surprised: Benjamin and Josiah typically preferred mayhem over maturity. Lily opted not to comment.

Opening her own textbook, Lily looked up the soil components and started pulling them together, allowing the boys to finish the limestone base. They were clearing up the shattered rocks when Lily noticed Josiah whispering to Benjamin and motioning in her direction. He wasn't exactly the king of subtlety, now was he? Benjamin looked increasingly irritated.

"So Lily." Abandoning his efforts with Benjamin, Josiah redirected his conversational attempts towards Lily, and reached for the bucket of manure. "So Lily, I've been meaning to ask you how you know James Potter so well." He winced, and Lily suspected that he had just been kicked under the table. What was Benjamin's problem? It wasn't like she hadn't been getting that question all week.

"Oh, I know him because my parents are friends with his mum." If only she had a sickle for every time she'd said that.

"That's cool," Josiah nodded. He began to measure the manure into the soil they were mixing and continued with the familiar topic. "Have you two been mates for a long time then?"

"I'd never even talked to him until last summer." That was true. "We aren't really close friends or anything; we just sort of know each other," she added. _Close_ was a very relative term, and they _did_ know each other, so all of that was true too. Lily began to stir the soil and manure with the trowel, incorporating it thoroughly.

"You two seemed pretty chummy last weekend," he said. Was he insinuating that Lily was being less than truthful?

"He's friendly enough," Lily shrugged.

"That was cool that he came out to visit you here."

"Oh, he wasn't visiting me," Lily corrected. "He came to see Orlan Mejia." James' Quidditch schedule was way too hectic for him to have time to make a special trip to Hogwarts just to see her.

"Yeah, that's what he said too," Josiah said. "So why didn't he sit with the Ravenclaws then?"

"I guess he felt uncomfortable doing that," Lily answered, "since he was a Gryffindor and all." There was also the fact that, for some mysterious reason, he was intent on winning Lily's affections – but Josiah didn't need to know that part.

"Can you guys hold the tray?" Lily asked. She slipped on her dragon hide gloves and hoisted an iron kettle from the burner. As Josiah and Benjamin positioned their seed tray over a drainage pan, Lily poured the boiling water over it, allowing the scalding fluid to wash through the soil and burn out any destructive germs. The smell of dung, dirt and limestone slapped her in the face as the steam billowed up. At least the soil would be clean, even if Lily's hair would smell like a dragon's backside.

By the time she'd returned the kettle and had attempted to wipe the manure-scented perspiration from her face, the seed tray looked nicely drained, and was ready for the layer of sand.

"Lily, did you know that my cousin plays for the Holyhead Harpies?" Josiah asked.

"Does he?" Some people would probably find that very interesting; Lily found her little pot of gritty sand much more exciting, however. She began sprinkling it evenly over the tray.

"_She_," Josiah corrected, "the Harpies are all witches." Yeah, okay…Lily felt sort of pathetic for not figuring that – Harpies, it made sense they'd be female – but Josiah wasn't stopping to let her wallow in it. "She was telling me that potential recruits are generally brought to meet the team members at the practice pitches during the school breaks. She's never heard of a player being sent out like Potter said he was. Usually it's just the recruiters who do that sort of stuff."

Did anybody really care about the recruiting practices of the Harpies? "Maybe the Cannons do things differently than the Harpies."

"Maybe meeting Mejia was just an excuse," Benjamin suggested.

"An excuse for what?" Lily paused mid-sprinkle to look at Benjamin.

"To visit you," he said, not looking at her.

"Oh, whatever." Lily rolled her eyes. As if James would go to that kind of trouble; he didn't really care that much about seeing her. He'd spent all of the Christmas holiday at her house; if he were truthful, James would probably have to admit to being sick of looking at her.

Benjamin didn't seem to share that opinion, however. "He fancies you," he said.

That was the most ridiculous thing she'd heard since…well, since Laura had suggested that Lily fancied James. "Don't be silly, Ben."

"I'm not."

Lily was starting to have trouble concentrating on her sand sprinkling. "Why would he like me?" she asked. "I'm just a kid." Until she'd mentioned it to James, he'd treated her like a little sister. Since then, he'd been trying harder to pretend like he was feeling something more romantic. But Lily knew he still saw her as a little kid – that's what she was, after all.

"The whole time he was here," Benjamin said, "he was standing over you like a jealous boyfriend."

"He was not!" Lily retorted defensively. Benjamin was the one acting all jealous.

Dropping his trowel, Benjamin gaped at her. "He practically hung a sign over your head saying 'Keep off! Property of James Potter!'"

"I don't belong to anybody, Benjamin Summers," Lily spat out. He'd really hit a nerve right there. She was thoroughly sick of everyone telling her what to do: who she should like, who she should marry, who she should want to snog. Everyone wanted to control her. Lily, however, didn't belong to anybody. "Not to James," she continued. "Not to you. Not to anybody. I can fancy whoever I feel like, and I can make my own decisions, and I don't have to answer for it to anyone!"

"I know that, Lily. But it doesn't change the fact that he wants you."

"Will you please shut-up about that?" She heard enough of it from Laura. "There is no reason on earth that James Potter would fancy me. He's got millions of girls to pick from, and he'd be stupid to waste his energy chasing me around. He just doesn't like me that way."

"They why did he come here anyway?"

"His coach sent him to talk to Orlan. They're trying to recruit him," she said. "Now will you please stop talking to me about James Potter?"

"Fine!"

"Thank you!"

"Alrighty then!" Josiah cut in. "Who wants to rake in the Belladonna seeds?"

Ooh. Smooth change of subject, Josiah. At least he got an E for effort. He'd get an O if he hadn't been the one who started the whole stupid subject in the first place.

Benjamin stalked away to the sinks where he began scrubbing his hands furiously. Apparently he was done with Herbology for the day.

Between Lily and Josiah, the seeds were sown and the tray was put away; Professor Sprout wouldn't mark the trays until the seeds had germinated. They'd definitely done a good job, even if their social skills left something to be desired. Lily felt horrible about going off on Benjamin like that; her nerves had really been rubbed raw lately, but she shouldn't have taken it out on him. She would apologise later that night when they headed out for their Prefect rounds. Hopefully they could get their friendship back to normal without too much more trouble.

"That project wasn't bad," Josiah said as they packed up their things, waiting for class to be released. "How long until the Belladonna starts growing anyway?"

"It won't even germinate for at least six weeks," Lily said. "It's kind of slow."

Laura was hastily jogging over towards Lily at the end of class to find out what the ruckus at their table had been all about. It appeared that Lily had declared her independence rather louder than she had realised. Just great. Couldn't she be one of those people for whom things actually worked smoothly now and then? Maybe her Belladonna tray was right, but it was the only thing that day, and she wouldn't have the proof of that small success for months. Why did it have to grow so slow? Lily needed encouragement!

Belladonna may have been slow about germinating, but the school year was nothing like slow about progressing. Lily was stressed. Even after she'd made up with Benjamin, and after her classmates had stopped remembering to ask her about James, and even after Laura had finally persuaded Danny to ask her out, Lily was still stressed. OWLS were fast approaching, and Lily had more work to keep up with than she had ever imagined possible.

She was worried about failing her Potions exam, and about wasting too much time revising for Herbology. She worried about falling asleep in History of Magic and she worried about losing her temper with her friends. She worried so much that she spent the whole of the Easter Holidays in the Hogwarts library cramming her leaky brain with miscellaneous information.

Laura was mystified; Lily rarely stressed about her class work. Maybe Lily had finally realised how important the OWLS were. Maybe she had decided to enjoy revising. Maybe she liked keeping her mind focused on something less stressful than boys.

Whatever it was, it sure didn't slow down the time. Lily felt like a kid on her first skateboard, hurtling down a hill at breakneck speed, a huge stone wall at the bottom, and no comprehension of braking in sight. If only she could find a nice soft pond to fall into. With her luck, she'd find one alright, but it would be as dry as Madame Pince's sense of humour.

No…escape routes were not an option for Lily. She'd have to hit the wall or learn to fly. Problem was: she sure didn't have wings.


	18. Lonely Protester

Chapter 18: Lonely Protester 

Lily drug her feet as much as she could without tripping herself. She was too embarrassed to go to Hogsmeade. Benjamin had asked her to go with him, and she had turned him down with the excuse that she needed to revise. And then she'd kicked herself. In reality, she had been looking forward to the break from OWL work, and was desperate for some butterbeer. Once she'd told him she wasn't going, however, she had no choice but to stay behind.

Laura had other ideas.

"I don't care what you told Benji, Lily. I will not let you kill yourself in the library on your birthday. Do you know how many people would die to have their birthday on a Hogsmeade weekend? You're coming to town if I have to stun you and carry you the whole way myself." Both of Laura's hands were braced around Lily's forearm as she pulled her friend across the lawn in front of the castle. Lily was putting up quite a fight.

"I can't show up after I told Benji I wasn't going," Lily said. "It'll look like I made up the excuse because I didn't want to go with him."

"You _did_ make up an excuse because you didn't want to go with him. If you would stop doing that, you'd save yourself a lot of headaches."

Easier said than done. "What else was I supposed to do?"

"Tell him that you don't fancy him, and that you're going to Hogsmeade, but not with him."

"That's mean." And difficult.

"Stringing him along is mean," Laura said. "Telling him the truth is always better."

"What am I supposed to say when I see him in the village? I lied?"

"Say that you've changed your mind, because you needed to spend some quality time with me."

"He'll see right through that."

"So deal with it."

Leaning her weight back, Lily dug her heels into the grass. "I don't want to deal with it."

"Too late. Look by the lake; Josiah and Benji are coming over here." Sure enough, the boys were strolling in their direction. "Would you stop dragging your feet like that?" Laura added. "You're making us both look like idiots."

"Then stop pulling on me." Lily plunked herself down in the grass like a petulant child. She was sick of being ordered around.

"Get up!"

"Don't treat me like a child."

Laura dropped Lily's arm and perched her hands on her hips. "If you would stop acting so childish, you wouldn't get treated like one."

Benjamin and Josiah jogged up, staring between Lily on the ground and Laura glaring down at her. "What are you doing?" Benjamin asked.

"I'm protesting. Laura's trying to force me to go to Hogsmeade. She's dragged me all the way from the library."

"That's a shame," he said. "She shouldn't have to do that by herself." He grinned at Laura. "Need some help?"

Lily scrambled in the grass, but she wasn't quick enough. Benjamin had the muscles to do what Laura couldn't. In three seconds flat, he had her off the ground, with her feet dangling over his right arm, as he proceeded to carry her to towards Hogsmeade. How humiliating.

"I'm not going to Hogsmeade," Lily argued.

"Want to bet?" Benjamin was entirely too pleased with himself.

"I have to write my Potions essay."

"So do I. You don't see me wasting my weekend on it, do you?" He followed their friends to the road while Lily sulked in his arms. Why did they feel so strongly about forcing her to go? She could decide for herself where she wanted to spend the day. They couldn't make her do anything.

"I can't go."

"Yes you can."

"As soon as you put me down," Lily said, "I'm going back to the castle." Laura rolled her eyes at that.

"I guess I won't put you down then," Benjamin said.

"You'll have to eventually."

"Nah. I'll just carry you around all day."

"Your arms are going to get tired."

He shook his head. "You aren't heavy."

"You still can't carry me all day."

"Is that a challenge?" he asked.

"No. It's a statement of fact."

"Hurry up, Benji," Josiah called over his shoulder. He and Laura were already several paces ahead of them, and had stopped to wait.

"Shut it, Josiah. You want to try this?"

"No thanks. The pleasure is all yours, I assure you."

Benjamin bounced her a little, readjusting his arm under Lily's back. She knew she was heavier than he would give her credit for.

"Benjamin?" Lily leaned her cheek on his shoulder and tried to arrange her face into an innocent expression. "Benjamin? Will you please put me down? I promise I'll walk with you."

He appraised her for a moment before looking back up the road. "I don't trust you."

Tracing his collar with her fingers, Lily smiled. "Please, Ben?"

His breathing quickened, and he glanced sideways at her. "Why should I?"

"Because I'm asking you to?"

Laura watched, pursing her lips. "Don't let her sweet-talk you into anything, Benji."

"I'll be really good," Lily said.

"If you don't behave," he told her, "I'm going to carry you again."

"I'll behave."

"Promise?"

She nodded.

"Alright then." Boy, was he a sucker.

As soon as Lily's feet touched the ground, she started running back towards the castle, Benjamin directly behind her.

"Come back here!"

She rushed up the slope at top speed, but could tell Benjamin was gaining on her. Why did he have to be so stinking fast? In her haste, Lily slipped – falling hard and smashing her face into the grass. She squinted her eyes at the pain and pushed herself up.

Benjamin knelt beside her in an instant. "Are you hurt, Lily?"

"No." She wiped a traitorous tear from her cheek and massaged her aching nose. "I'm OK."

"Let's go up to the Hospital Wing to get your nose checked."

"My nose isn't broken."

"Are you sure?" he asked.

"Yeah." She'd had millions of falls worse than that, but few so embarrassing.

"Do you hurt anywhere else?"

"Yes," she admitted. "I've suffered a mortal wound to my pride."

"Aww." Chuckling softly, Benjamin hugged her close and rubbed her back. "Poor little Lily," he said.

Poor stupid Lily, was more like it. If she hadn't been so determined to be difficult, she never would have fallen like clumsy idiot. She'd be skipping into Hogsmeade already. Why did she have to be so stubborn?

The others were trudging back up the slope towards them. "Is she okay?" Laura called. Benjamin yelled that Lily was fine. "Then come on!" she said. "We haven't got all day!"

"Do you still want to go back to the castle?" he said to Lily. "I know a house elf who'll set us up with as much butterbeer as we can drink."

Lily sniffed and tugged on her nose. "I thought I wasn't allowed to stay at the castle."

"You can do whatever you want, Lily."

"I can?"

"Yep. What would you like to do today?"

She looked up and grinned a little - he was going to laugh when she told him. "I want to go to Hogsmeade."

Benjamin did laugh. So did Lily. Even Laura laughed once she realised that Lily was actually walking to Hogsmeade of her own volition. Having finally decided to go along, Lily felt a great deal more relaxed. She loved Hogsmeade, it was her sixteenth birthday, and she was hanging out with her friends on a beautiful April morning. What more could she ask for?

"Can we go to Honeydukes first?" Lily asked. "You get a free Peppermint Frog on your birthday."

Laura wrinkled her nose. "I'd rather go to The Three Broomsticks first. I need a butterbeer."

"We usually go there last. Can't you wait till after I get my frog?"

"I'm really thirsty."

Josiah nodded in agreement.

"Me too," Benjamin said. "Hauling girls up and down hills is thirsty work."

"What happened to the macho man who said he could carry me all day?" Lily asked.

"I never said I wouldn't get thirsty."

"Let's take a vote," Laura suggested. "All in favour of going to Honeydukes first, raise your hand." Lily's hand jabbed into the air. "All in favour of The Three Broomsticks?" Three hands rose, and Lily scowled.

"Fine," she said, "but they'd better not be out of Peppermint Frogs by the time we get there."

"If they are, I'll buy you a whole bag of something else," Laura offered. "Just come on, will you?"

The Three Broomsticks was packed all the way to the door. Before Lily could object to the crowd, Laura grabbed her by the hand and pressed into the pub. They squeezed between some very large seventh years and dodged several tables full of students as they made their way towards the back. From behind her, someone took the liberty of shoving a hat over Lily's head just as Marianne came into view – she was holding a large, sparkly cake.

"Happy Birthday!" A dozen more Gryffindors sprang up out of nowhere, sporting red hats and silly grins, and singing an off-key happy birthday song. Lily couldn't have been more surprised.

"Now do you see why you had to come?" Laura said. "I couldn't let you miss your own birthday party. You'd never forgive me."

"Oh, Laura!" Lily hugged her friend tightly. "Thank you! This is so sweet. I'm sorry I was so grumpy about coming."

"It's okay. Besides," she added in a whisper, "it was Benji's fault. I told him not to ask you out this weekend, but he did anyway. He said he couldn't help it. I nearly skinned him alive."

"Come sit down, Lily." Julia motioned to an empty chair. "You've got to take the first bite of cake. I don't know how much longer we can keep the boys out of it."

Marianne and Julia, it turned out, had walked down to The Three Broomsticks as early as possible that day in order to commandeer three tables in the back corner of the pub. They'd hung red balloons and streamers in the air, and made party hats decorated with gold sparklers. Laura was trying to get Danny to wear one, but he didn't seem to think it would look very manly. A huge platter, loaded with sloshing mugs of butterbeer, landed on Lily's table, where Josiah made a big commotion about passing them out beside her.

"Hey, you! Hold up! Lily gets the first one. Happy birthday, Lily. There. Now you can have yours. Don't be shy Charlie; get it while it's hot. Who wanted the cherry soda? Put that back! You already got one. Marcus, I almost got her to slip that Mulled Mead in, but Professor Doge walked in and she chickened out. Anybody want to try this Gillywater? She gave me a few free samples. Yeah, I didn't like it either. What are you doing? Get out of here – Slytherins weren't invited! Ugly git. Here's your butterbeer, Emma. Oops! Sorry about that – didn't mean to make you wear it home. What are you talking about? I think you look good in butterbeer; you look hot in anything. Ouch! Can't you take a compliment? I said I'm sorry! That's all I've got, folks. Put your money in the hat and wait up for the next round!"

Josiah took off with the empty platter and a fresh list of orders, and Benjamin slipped into the empty spot at the table. "Are you surprised?"

"Yes. I didn't even suspect a thing."

"That was kind of obvious when you were sprinting back towards the castle."

"And you were going to take me to the kitchens for butterbeer." She would have been so disappointed.

"I know. I have no resolution around you."

"You can say that again!" Laura said, shooting him a pointed look. Apparently they'd already had that conversation.

Benjamin blushed and hid behind a big gulp of butterbeer.

All in all, the party was a great success. It had been weeks since Lily spent so much waking time without looking at a scrap of schoolwork, and she revelled in the feeling. She put away three slices of cake and two mugs of butterbeer before Benjamin reminded her about getting her Peppermint Frog at Honeydukes. Lily sure didn't want to miss out on that.

"Hey, Laura," Lily said, "are you coming with me to Honeydukes?"

"Yeah." But Laura didn't appear to be paying much attention. She was wrapped up in Danny LaBorde's lap, giggling as he whispered into her ear. He smiled and stroked her cheek; Lily watched and sighed. James used to do that. Lily hadn't seen him in ages; not since he'd been to visit at the end of January. He'd asked her not to forget about him. He'd said he would see her again soon, too, but he hadn't. There'd been a lot of letters, but it wasn't the same. She missed him.

"Laura?"

"Hmm."

"Are you ready?"

"I'm coming."

"GO! GO! GO! GO!" Students at the next table began making a ruckus, and Lily stood up to see what was going on. Marcus and Matt were competing in an impromptu butterbeer-drinking contest, surrounded by chanting spectators. Several tankards went bottoms up before the group erupted into cheers and somebody held up Matt's arm. He looked more woozy than victorious. That was a whole heck of a lot of butterbeer.

Matt noticed Lily watching him, and he smiled a little. She jerked her attention back to half-eaten cake in front of her, and slid into her seat. Interacting with Matt was still uncomfortable. On her last birthday, he'd asked her to be his girlfriend. He'd given her a lovely bouquet of flowers, and they'd spent the afternoon walking around the lake, holding hands and flirting. Afterwards, Lily stayed awake half the night telling Laura about how romantic and wonderful he was. A year later, and they barely even spoke.

Lily needed to move. "I'm ready to go," she said, and left the table without a backwards glance. She squeezed through the pub and out in to the street, blinking her eyes at the sharp afternoon sunshine.

"Hey, Lily." Laura caught Lily's arm. "Would you mind very much going without me? Danny wants us to spend a little time together. We don't get many chances to talk alone."

Lily smirked. "I'm sure that 'talking' is exactly what he has in mind."

Laura laughed and glanced over her shoulder at Danny as he appeared in the doorway. "I hope not," she said.

Rolling her eyes, Lily gave Laura a gentle shove in his direction. "Go on then. Have fun."

"Thanks. I'll catch you later."

They were really good together – Danny and Laura. Very cute. He was much better than any of the boys she'd picked before; they seemed really happy. Lily sighed…she wanted that, too. She ambled down the road alone, fiddling with the edge of her jeans pocket. She was due for a letter from James any time. Maybe it would come with the post in the morning.

Some weeks back, Lily had given up pretending to herself that she didn't fancy James. With Laura as a best friend, it was pretty much pointless to fake something like that anyway. Lily just wished she could like somebody more reasonable. Fancying James was both embarrassing and pointless, which became rather frustrating. She didn't like having her parents pick out a boy for her, and it was mortifying to actually feel she might want to go along with their choice. It would be completely wrong, however, not to protest simply on the principle of the matter. Her moral protesting was a bit easier to swallow knowing that James didn't really want her anyway. He'd told her so himself. That knowledge didn't exactly feel good going down, but it did strengthen her resolve.

Lily looked up as someone fell into step beside her.

"Can I walk with you?" Benjamin asked.

"I don't know. Can you?"

"I guess I will, if you don't mind."

"I don't mind." She really didn't.

Honeydukes was crowded with students, as usual, but Lily did manage get her free Peppermint Frog. It felt like a magnificent accomplishment. Hardly anybody was able to get to Honeydukes on their birthday – let alone without breaking any rules. Once Lily had finished gloating, and after she and Benjamin had loaded up on enough to sweets to get them by until the next Hogsmeade weekend, they wandered out to a few of the neighbouring shops. Lily picked up a large roll of special correspondence parchment (Guaranteed to resist rain and talon damage.) and Benjamin stocked up on Frog Spawn Soap (What he planned to use it for, he wouldn't confess.) They laughed a great deal, spent all of their pocket money, and generally had a riot of a time.

The sun was just beginning to duck behind the trees as they followed the road around the lake and back to the castle. Back to stress and back to school work. Joy. Lily sucked on the Peppermint Frog leg kicking weakly in her cheek.

"You ended up coming to Hogsmeade with me after all," Benjamin said.

"I guess I did."

He kicked a small stone in the road, following it with his eye until they caught up with it. He kicked it again. "It wasn't so bad, was it?"

"I had fun today." Lily watched him grin at the little stone, and she moved the frog leg to kick her other cheek.

"Maybe you'd be okay with trying it again sometime," he said.

"I don't know."

He kicked the stone again, and it skidded off into the grass. "There's only one Hogsmeade weekend left this term."

"Laura and I were planning something special for that last one." As least, she had just decided they were.

Benjamin sighed. "What am I doing wrong?" he asked.

"What do you mean?"

"I've done everything I can think of." He took her hand and pulled her to a stop. "You've been killing me, Lily. When you're around, I can barely think, and when you're gone, I can't think about anything except you." Stuffing her free hand into her pocket, Lily bent her face downward and sucked hard on the frog leg, wedging it immobile between her teeth. Benjamin stepped closer and started to knead her fingertips with his own. "Sometimes I think you might be giving me a chance," he said, "and then you shoot me down cold. I don't know what to do."

"Please don't, Ben. I can't do this."

He exhaled, and continued to massage her fingertips, leaning his cheek against her temple. One of his hands found her palm, and began to trace circles over her skin. He sighed again. "Do you want me to leave you alone?" he asked. "If you ask me to, I'll try."

She shook her head and straightened up. "I just want things to stay the way they are."

"I wish I wanted that." He squeezed her hand and dropped it. "It would be a lot easier."


	19. Sticky Words

Chapter 19: Sticky Words 

Lily reclined on her stomach in the grass along the beach and flipped through the pages of a fashion magazine. The sun heated her bare legs and she kicked them in the air behind her. A child raced past to join his friends in a noisy ball game nearby, but Lily wasn't paying them much attention. She was too busy thinking about a certain black haired Quidditch player. She was hoping he'd stop by to see her the next afternoon when he got back from Ethiopia.

It had been four and one half months since Lily had seen James. Way too long by her standards. Probably not long enough by his. James was great at keeping up his little act: writing letters every week like clockwork, filling the pages with funny stories and Quidditch updates. But letters always seemed so impersonal, and he'd only been to see her at school that one time. Sure, his Quidditch schedule was gruelling, but he could have made time if he wanted to. Couldn't he?

Lily had decided that, the next time she saw him, she would tell him to give it up already. She'd put a great deal of thought into the matter, and finally had him all figured out. According to James, and corroborated by Lily's parents, James' dad was the one who had thought up the whole betrothal contract. Since Mr. Potter got killed, James obviously wanted to honour his father's memory by going through with the marriage. It made perfect sense. Lily just had to convince him that marriage to a girl he couldn't bring himself to love was not what his father would have wanted. It wasn't what Lily wanted either. As much as she wanted James, she would much rather see him happy without her, than miserable with her. Lily would talk some sense into him…even if it broke her heart.

She turned a page in her magazine. A model's smiling face filled the page. The girl's skin was so clear and smooth it was sickening. Not a freckle in sight. Lily glanced down at her own freckly arm. Life wasn't fair. Not at all. She tried to imagine herself with perfect skin, smiling, showing off her creamy shoulders. As long as she was imagining a hopeless fantasy, she gave herself a fuller figure, like the girl in the photograph, and made her hair darker, and wildly windswept. She was lying on a beach with soft, white sand, maybe wearing a slinky green bikini instead of cut-off jeans. Boys were walking past, smiling down at her…handsome boys too – grown-up and filled-out manly sorts of boys. Some girls stood nearby, scowling and jealous of Lily's gorgeous skin. She flipped another page in the magazine, basking in the glory of natural perfection. A shadow fell over the page, and she looked up with intense, seductive eyes. James stood before her, his Quidditch robes billowing over the water behind him. The look in his eyes, the stance of his feet, the way he held his jaw, everything about him spoke one clear message: he wanted her, and he would accept no excuses, no substitutions – just Lily Evans, without delay. He opened his mouth to speak…"

"Hey, Lily"

"James?" Swinging her head around, Lily saw James Potter himself standing a little ways behind her, hands hooked on his pockets. "James," she repeated. "Hi!" Feeling ridiculous, Lily stood up and brushed grass from her clothes. The freckles were back in full force.

"You surprised me," she said. Walking towards him, Lily noticed that she was grinning wildly…she couldn't help it. "It's a good surprise, though. It's good to see you!" She reached up to give him a big hug. "How did you find me out here?" James didn't answer though. He just latched onto her, his arms about her waist, and squeezed her tight. He wasn't speaking or smiling or anything; in fact, he was barely even breathing. "Is something wrong James?"

"Yes," he whispered, "it's been too long since I've seen you." He pressed his face into her neck and started rubbing his hand down her back. What was wrong with him anyway?

Lily retreated, and James let her go. With a few safe steps between them, Lily tucked an unruly lock of hair behind her ear and tried again for some conversation. "Did my mum tell you I was down here?"

"Yeah. She wants me to come for supper."

"I think we're having Lasagne." What a brilliant response. Her brain had to lock up at the worst times.

"I'd like that."

Why was he staring at her? It was sort of unnerving. "So, um, you must be back early." Lily picked some dirt out of her tank top, avoiding James' eyes. "I didn't really expect you until tomorrow or later."

"So you're surprised?"

She glanced up. "A little." Hadn't she just said that? He wasn't listening at all. Nice.

"I made pretty good time getting back to England," he said.

"That's good." Lily couldn't take it anymore. She had to move. "Do you want to take a walk?"

"Sure."

A nice walk on the beach was perfect. It would be harder for James to look at her like that. "Take off your shoes then," she told him.

"My shoes?" He was so adorable when he was confused.

"You can't walk on the beach with shoes on."

"Why can't I wear shoes?"

"I don't know." Wizards simply didn't get it sometimes. "It's just against the rules."

"Maybe I don't like following the rules." He crossed his arms across his chest and looked down at her with a smug grin. "I think I'll leave my shoes on, thank you very much."

"Fine. Whatever." What a goof-ball. Just wait until his shoes were full of sand and water…then he'd sing a different tune. Lily strode off toward the water's edge, carefully crossing the gravely ground and making her way to the softer sand. Cooling her feet in the water, she moseyed along the beach, ankle deep in the lapping waves. Lily tried not to laugh as she watched James attempt to walk as closely to the water as possible, without actually getting wet. His shoes were already caked with sandy muck. Lily kicked at the water, happy to demonstrate an advantage of going barefoot.

Walking always cleared Lily's mind – it made her jumbled up thoughts feel less crowded and stressful. Walking did not, however, seem to prevent James from gaping at her legs. Yes, they were shockingly bony and freckled, but there was no need to stare. She made a mental note to avoid wearing shorts for the rest of the summer.

A little Quidditch talk would distract him. "I got to listen to your game on the wireless receiver you gave me."

"Did you?" He finally looked away.

"Yeah. It was cool. I'd never listened to Quidditch on the radio before."

"It's not as good as watching in person."

"No, it's not," she said. It was hard to follow. "Sounded like you did a good job though."

James snorted. "The commentator was biased then, because we were horrible."

"Really?"

"We lost spectacularly."

"I knew you lost." She'd figured that much out. "But you can always do better next game." Lily slowed her pace when she saw James' feet sink in a patch of extra soft mud. He worked his shoes free and moved to firmer ground while Lily swirled her toes in the cool water. James really would have an easier time if he just pulled his shoes off. He was acting stubborn, and it wasn't bothering anybody but himself.

"When do you play again?" she asked.

James looked up from his ruined shoes. "Not until next season."

"Next season?"

"The International League playoffs are going right now," he explained. "The Giant-Slayers took us out of the running, so we're done until the autumn."

So that explained why the announcer made such a big deal about the loss. Duh. "I'm sorry James."

"Oh, don't worry. The signs were all over the tea leaves. None of us were surprised."

Maybe not surprised, but he still didn't look terribly happy about it. Lily continued along the lapping waves, walking parallel with James. "Didn't you win last year?" she asked.

"We did. But we didn't have the same team this year. After we won the cup, the Cannons' clubended up with new managerswho don't know the first thing about the game."

She looked over at him with wide eyes. "There are really wizards who don't know about Quidditch?"

James laughed and looked sideways at her. Finally. There was that eye-twinkle of his that she'd been missing. Lily definitely wanted to see more of that.

"I suppose it's a matter of opinion," he said.

"So, what did they do?"

James ruffled his hair and looked ahead, scowling. "They traded some of our best fliers to different teams. Then they filled the spots with guys who are the kids oftheir ministry buddies. Most of them were horrible."

"Were?"

"About half way through the season,they began to panic. They started to recruit new people and put a decent team together. It's impossible to do that in the middle of the season though, let alone make a proper comeback."

They couldn't have been all that horrible. "How did you get into the playoffs then?"

He shrugged. "We did alright at home, but not nearly good enough to make it internationally."

Lily kicked at the water again, sending it flying in James' direction; she would have nailed him if he didn't jump out of the way. Regardless, she did manage to get another eye-twinkle out of him, and that was enough. "So, what is your team going to do for the rest of the summer?" she asked.

"We have to train a little, but not much until autumn." James was watching her legs carefully…probably expecting another splash. "It's kind of good," he added, "since I have a lot of plans this summer."

"Really?" So he'd be too busy to see her much during the summer, too. It figured. Lily bent to skim the water with her fingers, so that James wouldn't notice her insistent frown. "What else do you do besides Quidditch?"

James surprised her at that moment by slogging right through the water, muddy shoes and all. Poor guy – she couldn't stop laughing at him and his soaked trouser legs. He sidled up to her, his eyes twinkling, and grabbed her around the hips.

"This summer," he said, "I plan on spending a lot of time with my best girl."

"Oh?" As chilly as the water was, Lily felt her skin get unnaturally hot. He was kneading her waist with his thumbs, and butterflies were racing over her body. What exactly did he mean by 'best girl'? "And who would that be?" she asked.

His lips quirked a small grin as he leaned against her, examining her face at close range. He didn't answer…he just leaned closer and closer, holding her tightly around the hips. Rapid pressure built in Lily's stomach and she fought her trembling limbs. Somewhere inside, her rising blood pressure triggered a panic whistle. Lily had to move.

Backing up, she forced herself free of his hands and left the water. A pebble dug into her foot and she flinched, but didn't stop. Lily caught her breath, turning to look at James – he was till standing ankle deep in the water, watching her while her heart raced. That had been a close call. Convincing him to stop pursuing her and to find somebody he liked better would be a lot more difficult if he'd just kissed her.

Lily didn't want to hurt his feelings, but he just couldn't do things like that. Did he think that he could avoid her for months and then jump ahead several steps in their relationship as soon as he saw her again? He was trying too hard. Way too hard.

She beckoned for him to follow her up the slope. They needed to find someplace better to talk. Beaches were far too romantic when it came to redirecting boys' attentions.

James wasn't following her, though. He was staring at her again, with that out-of-it look on his face, but he wasn't following. Heading back towards him, Lily grabbed James by the hand and dragged him out of the water. It wouldn't do to wait any longer. She'd been practising the speech in her head for days. Better to get it over with.

Mentally scanning her list of options, Lily decided to head home. There was nothing remotely romantic about being in the same house as her mother.

Lily retrieved her sandals from the grass, and helped James find a spot behind the fish market where he could use his wand to dry out his shoes. They were still ruined, but at least they didn't squish anymore.

James didn't seem the least bit put off that Lily had run away from his embrace. As they walked, he chatted away about a bizarre wizard he'd met during the first playoff round in Ethiopia, and then about the new racing broom unveiling that he was supposed to attend the next day. He was doing a bang up job of relieving Lily's obvious tension.

About half way home, however, James took hold of Lily's hand; he laced his fingers with hers so neatly, and his thumb gently rubbed her skin. He didn't pause at all in the story he was telling – just continued talking like he had no idea in the world that he was inciting a riot between Lily's brain and her hormones. So much for relaxing.

"Sirius won't use his own flat for parties," James was explaining. "He's worried about bothering Mrs. Madison, this 190 year old witch that lives above him. He always complains about how cranky she is, and that she'd curse his brains out if he made too much noise, but he's just making excuses." James opened the back gate for Lily, and they slipped into the garden, hand in hand. "I happen to know," he continued, "that he's crazy about her. Her wandwork is getting kind of shaky, and Sirius is always going upstairs to help her with stuff like rearranging furniture. Afterwards, she feeds him cake and gives him advice. He loves it."

"That's so sweet."

James laughed. "Quite. Sirius thinks I don't know about that, though. You might not want to mention it."

"I won't."

He gave her hand a firm squeeze and slowed his stride, slowing Lily down as well. "So, anyway, the point of that whole story was that Sirius threw another party at my house last week. If he does it again I'll have to kill him."

"You said that last time he had a party there."

"Did I?" He looked pensive for a moment. "I'll have to stop being so nice." As if he could stop that.

"You know Sirius is worth the trouble," Lily said. "You wouldn't know what to do without him around."

"Sure I would. I'd enjoy privacy and a peaceful house."

"And you'd be bored out of your head."

"Nah." James stopped walking and pulled Lily in front of him on the lawn. "I've got my Lily to keep me entertained," he said.

"Oh, whatever." Lily rolled her eyes, smiling.

"I do. And I've got you all summer, too."

About that…he should be pleased to hear that she was about to free up his time. How was she going to start again? She'd rehearsed to her mirror several times. Oh, yes... _James, I know you aren't in love with me, so I really can't see any wisdom in continuing like this..._

"I get to see you every day," he told her. "I get to hear your cute little giggle." James smiled and caressed her bare shoulder, watching his fingers trace her skin.

_Before you say anything, let me tell you that I understand what's going on…_

"I really missed you, Lily. I'm sorry I couldn't get up to the castle to see you more than once. Hogwarts has really strict rules about non-family visitors." Taking a stray lock of her hair in his fingers, he tucked it behind her ear and stroked her neck, sending hot, numbing sparks into her brain. "Plus we had double practices all season. It made me crazy."

_I know it was your dad who arranged our betrothal, and it's really noble that you want to honour his memory by following his wishes…_

"Did you realise that we've known each other for almost a whole year?" James said. "It'll be a year in just a couple of weeks. It seems like you've been a part of me for so much longer than that." He lifted her hand and kissed her palm, lighting fires all over her body.

_But surely you must realise that your father wouldn't have wanted you to saddle yourself with marriage to a girl you can't bring yourself to love…_

"Lily, I was wondering if you might be free this coming Friday. My friends want to get together for my birthday, and I was hoping you'd like to come. I mean, you don't have to, but I'd really like it." He brought a hand to her waist and looked her in the eye.

_This isn't fair to you, James. It's time for you to move on…_

"Will you come, Lily?"

She nodded wordlessly, and he hugged her close. The words stuck in her throat – they were just too hard to say.

_James, go find someone you can love._


	20. Happy Independence Day

Chapter 20: Independence Day 

The music was loud. Very loud. In fact, it was almost as loud as Lily had hoped. But she wasn't disappointed. Lily felt good; she looked even better; she was ready for anything. The night would go down in history as the moment Lily Evans took her own life by the horns, or reins, or handlebars, or whatever, and finally did exactly what she felt like – regardless of what that turned out to be. She didn't need to answer to anyone!

When James had first told Lily about the party, she'd felt a thrilling flash of excitement that vanished just as quickly as it had come – there wasn't any way on earth that her father would permit her to go. When she spoke with him anyway and found out that she could actually attend, she was over the moon, sure that she was finally being allowed to grow up. By the time that Lily was dressed, made-up, and styled to perfection, she was certain that adulthood was within her reach. And when she flooed into the strange parlour, packed to the chandeliers with beautiful people, throbbing music, and dizzy adrenaline, she felt the firm pulse of independence within her happy little fist.

James stepped out of the fire behind her and placed a possessive hand on Lily's back. "Did you see where Remus went?" he asked.

"Over here, James," Remus called from near the wall. "You might want to clear the way for traffic."

No sooner had he spoken than someone dashed out of the fire, bumping James right over into Lily. Staggering a few steps, Lily straightened up and glanced around. So much for that well poised entrance she'd had in mind.

"Sorry about that," James said. He scrambled to his feet and led her in Remus' direction. "You okay?"

Lily nodded as she scanned the room. She had to be the youngest girl there, no question about it. Maybe, if she pulled off that smooth walk she'd been practising, she could pass for seventeen.

Steering the way out of the bottlenecked parlour, James nodded to Remus, and grasped Lily's hand in his. He was so strong and warm; it made Lily's head reel… and then it triggered that tension she'd been feeling for weeks. If only he would stop pretending to be a lovesick puppy, she might be able to let her guard down and have a fun summer. As it was, he'd been getting uncomfortably close to her heart. He was just plain dangerous.

Lily knew that James couldn't bring himself to fall in love with her, but it wasn't anything like that difficult for her to fall for him. Lily was bound to get hurt if she didn't get up the nerve to deliver her little speech soon. His happiness was more important then honouring his father's wishes. Why couldn't he see that on his own?

"Isn't this supposed to be somebody's birthday?" James was asking Remus.

"Yes," he replied. "Michael Ollerton's. This is his girlfriend's house."

"Must be the family estate or something." Looking around, James whistled in awe. "This place is huge."

"Prongs, are you sure you want to be here," Remus said. He glanced nervously at Lily. James looked down at her, too, and then scanned the partygoers. "This party is a lot bigger than I expected."

Tightening his grip on Lily's hand, James frowned. "You're right, Moony. I haven't seen this many weirdoes in one  
place since Duke Garcia's Bonfire Night party."

Sure, there were a lot of strange looking people milling around, but Lily found them fascinating. She observed a slinky sort of woman making her way across the room; hair couldn't possibly do that without magic – she must have used a charm of some sort. A lot of the girls seemed to have helped their appearance with magic. That meant they were all of age – unlike Lily. A little ways off, a young man watched Lily with unveiled attention. Uncomfortable, Lily straightened up and refocused her gaze on James; she was flattered to be noticed, but the stranger was entirely too dark and greasy for her taste. At least James would scare him off – he loved scaring off other guys.

"James!" A distant Sirius was forcing his way through the crowd, trying to get their attention, Peter trailing awkwardly behind him. "Remus!" he called again, waving for them to head towards him.

Remus muttered, "Here we go," and began the project of tracing a path through the room. As Lily followed him, James stuck behind her, grasping Lily's arm the whole time. Her mouth twitched in annoyance.

James always did things like that he couldn't even let her walk through a room like a normal person; she had to be flanked by security guards. He'd done the same thing when they had flooed into the party – he'd made Remus go first, with Lily in the middle, and himself directly behind. Did he think she was going to get lost between grates or something?

Lily wasn't about to complain, though. She knew that the only reason she was even allowed to be at the party at all was the fact that James was the one taking her. The independent and grown-up part of her mind was trying very hard to ignore that annoying little fact. The least she could do was avoid whining like a child.

Somewhere in the middle of the room, they met up with their friends. James and Sirius quietly bumped fists in greeting, and James clapped Peter on the back.

A grinning Sirius turned to Lily and hugged her. "Hiya, sugar," he said. "You look good enough to eat!"

"Thanks, Sirius. How are you?"

"Another day in paradise!"

"So, what do you want to do, Prongs?" Remus asked. "I'm sure we can find somewhere else to go tonight that's a little more…appropriate." He glanced at Lily again, a trace of a frown crossing his face. Was he trying to say she was too much of a kid to be there?

Rubbing his hair, James looked down at Lily. "You're probably right. This joint's going to get more chaotic by the minute."

"But I haven't seen anything yet!" Lily said. Surely James wouldn't want to leave already; they'd only just arrived.

"You two can go, but Lily and I are staying," Sirius said, rising to her defence. "Come on, sugar. Let's get out of this cockroach cluster and find a spot where we can breathe." Taking her by the waist, he led Lily through a maze of cramped bodies, and into the next room – Peter, Remus, and James caravanning behind them. "James is usually a lot more fun," Sirius explained into Lily's ear, "but he gets nervous at little get-togethers like this."

"Why is that?"

"He's got this sort of mother hen complex going on," Sirius answered. Glancing back over her shoulder at James, Lily caught his eye and grinned as he tried to keep up. "He likes to have everybody safe and accounted for," Sirius continued, "but it's hard to keep track of people in a mob like this, so he gets nervous and starts flapping around like a hen trying to round up her chicks."

Lily's mind was suddenly filled by a ridiculous image of James in a feathery chicken suit, waving his arms madly, and running around squawking at his friends. Giggling, she looked at James again just in time to see him pulling Peter out of a tight spot and back into their little line. At that, Lily burst into laughter – it was just too appropriate.

"Am I right? Or, am I right?" Sirius asked, with a satisfied smirk.

"You're right," Lily laughed.

"You should see him when he loses somebody."

"What happens?"

"Full hero mode," Sirius said. "Every time."

Smiling, Lily snuck another glance at James. He was watching them suspiciously, like his ears were burning.

"Does he lose people very often?" Lily wondered.

"That depends on what you mean by 'lose'. According to James, I've been a lost cause for years."

"Alright, Padfoot, what are you telling her about me?" James demanded, drawing up behind them.

"I wasn't telling her anything."

"Then why was she looking at me every time you said something?"

"I can't help it if your girl likes to look at you, Prongs."

Swallowing hard, Lily mentally crossed her fingers in hopes that she wasn't blushing; the insinuation that she was checking James out was a little too much. She only did that when nobody was looking.

Giving up on Sirius, James decided to turn to Lily instead. "What was he saying about me?"

Lily straightened her face and looked him in the eye, determined to tell him the precise truth – or some of it, at least. "Sirius was just telling me what a great big chicken you are."

James froze in the middle of sweeping a hand through his hair and gaped at Lily. Beside her, Sirius erupted into raucous laughter, and she lost her straight face to a tight-lipped grin. Mother hens were chickens, weren't they?

"Um…I know I just walked up in the middle of a conversation and all," Remus said, "but, did I just hear someone call James Potter a chicken?" He and Peter were staring between James, Lily, and Sirius, with amused expressions on their faces.

"Hey, Padfoot," Peter said. "Try to breathe, mate. Will you?"

Lily looked over to see Sirius bent double, taking huge choking breaths in between fits of laughter. He was the only one who had any idea what she was talking about. It was priceless.

James certainly wanted an explanation. "He did what?" James asked. His hand was still stuck in his hair.

"He called you a chicken."

Dropping his arm, James finally looked away from Lily to observe Sirius, who was clutching his sides.

"I'm so confused," Peter moaned.

Remus chuckled. "You aren't the only one."

"Did you call me a chicken, Padfoot?" James demanded.

Smiling sweetly, Lily looked up at him, batting her eyes. "Don't you believe me, James?"

"I…I, er, guess I…" he stammered. She just loved seeing him all befuddled like that. He was so cute.

"Sirius," Lily began again, "am I telling the truth? Didn't you call James a chicken?"

"I suppose I did," he choked out.

"It's okay," Remus said, patting James on the back. "There's a first time for everything."

"I like this girl!" Sirius was making a valiant effort to calm down. "I may just take her away from you, Prongs."

"You can't do that," James said, "and why did you call me a chicken?"

"Because it fit you perfectly. Now go away, Lily and I are trying to have some quality private time."

"You aren't allowed to have private time with Lily, and I'm nothing like a chicken."

"Oh, you might be surprised," Sirius said, grinning, "and I can have as much private time with Lily as she wants to give me."

All of the boys looked at Lily, and she smoothed the front of her skirt, wishing for the comfy pockets of her blue jeans. Why did he have to go and throw the ball in her court like that? The little git. Time for a dramatic subject change.

"James," she asked, "do you think you could find me something to drink? I'm really thirsty." Remus was the first one to start snickering. A few chuckles later, and he'd infected the whole group. Good thing Lily hadn't been aiming for subtlety, or she might just have gotten her feelings hurt.

"Don't worry, Lily," James said, "I can wait to curse Sirius later."

"You think you could do it, huh?" Sirius retorted.

"Yep. But first I need a butterbeer." Turning to Lily, James smiled. "Drinks are a good idea. I'll be back in a minute. Stay with Remus, okay?" With a pointed look of warning at Sirius, James headed off through the room.

"What is with James always acting all jealous of Sirius?" Lily asked the boys. "Does he really think we're going to run off together or something?"

"Not exactly," Remus supplied, "but Sirius has always had a bad habit of stealing James' dates."

Whatever Lily was expecting, it hadn't been that. "What do you mean?"

"Whenever James used to show too much interest in a girl, Sirius would show up and start flirting with her," he explained. "It never failed that she would end up going out with him instead of James."

"James used to get so mad," Peter laughed.

Lily didn't feel much like laughing with them; a pang was beginning to gnaw at her stomach.

"Hey," Sirius defended, "I can't help it if Prongs has good taste!" He leaned back to sit on the arm of a sofa, much to the disapproval of the sofa's occupants. "Besides," Sirius added, "he didn't really care all that much; he was saving himself up for Lily."

"More like _you_ were saving James for Lily," Peter countered.

"Maybe," Sirius shrugged. "But it didn't hurt anything more than his ego, and he's got enough of that to spare."

"So anyway, Lily," Remus said, "you can understand why James acts suspicious of Sirius around you." Could she? It sounded like James had been forced into her company entirely against his will – and not just by his father's memory. That pang in her stomach twinged again.

Sirius caught Lily's eye and winked mischievously; at least Sirius thought it was funny.

"Suspicious is a bit of an understatement," Peter said. "Remember how Prongs used to set up those elaborate plans to so that he could sneak off for a date on the sly without Padfoot showing up and ruining it for him?"

"I knew what you guys were doing," Sirius insisted. "I just thought he ought to have a little fun now and then. No need for the guy to get too desperate. I was just helping him out with the dangerous ones."

"The dangerous ones?" Peter prodded for more details.

"It wouldn't have been very comfortable if James had showed up at the Evans' with a girlfriend," Sirius explained. Did he mean the way Lily had a boyfriend last summer? Yeah, that had been uncomfortable. But it sounded like James had wished he could have done the same thing. He probably still wished for it.

"Where is James anyway?" Lily wondered. She didn't feel very much like partying any more.

"I can see him. He's still over there talking to, er…a friend," Remus finished lamely.

A crowd of wizards shifted and Lily craned her neck to get a glimpse of James, a fistful of butterbeer bottles in hand, chatting with a buxom brunette in very tight robes. Who was that, and why was she giggling so much? Her stomached tightened with another pang of discomfort.

Sighing, Sirius stood up. "My work is never done," he said. Slipping through the crowd, he was soon shoving James aside, directing all of the witch's attention to himself.

James threw Sirius a few pointed scowls and left them alone. He made his way back to Lily and passed around the butterbeers. "Sorry I was gone so long," he told her. She was reluctant to take the bottle from his hand. "I needed to get rid Sirius for a while. I had to find him a girl." Come again? Lily looked up at him while Remus asked the obvious question for her.

"What's going on?"

James nodded towards the door. "Look who's here."

In unison, Remus, Peter, and Lily turned to see who James was referring to. Leaning against a table, making small talk with some other young wizards, was Regulus Black. Lily hadn't even thought about that little jerk for ages.

"How about you stay with Lily," Remus said to James. "Pete and I'll encourage little snot-face over there to change his plans for the night."

"He hasn't talked to me in months," Lily said. "I'm not worried about him trying to bother me here." Especially not with James standing right next to her.

James took her hand and began leading her towards the other side of the house. "Right now, I'm actually worried about something else."

"What's wrong?" Lily asked.

"Sirius," James said. "He and his brother can't be in the same room together without a fight breaking out, and this really isn't the place for that. A lot of people could get hurt if they start duelling in this crowd."

Okay…Lily felt really stupid. If only she could Disapparate on the spot. "So that's why you wanted to get him distracted by that girl over there."

"Right. He's a sucker for that sort of trick."

"He thinks he's saving you from dangerous women, you know."

Biting back a laugh, he glanced away, looking embarrassed. "He would." With a few swigs, James drained the bottle of butterbeer, and tossed the empty bottle onto a nearby table as they passed. "So what do you think of the party so far?" James asked.

"It's really cool." Lily had never been to a party like it; it was much more exciting than the little parties the Gryffindors held after Quidditch matches. "I'd like to walk around and see what all is going on."

"Sure, we can do that. There's not really much to see though." A lock of hair flopped down over his eyes, and James pushed it back again. That was a bit of a hopeless cause, really; Lily had never met anyone with a worse case of chronically messy hair.

"I don't care," she told him. "I still want to walk around."

He gave her hand a little squeeze and searched the room with his eyes. "We could start off this way," he suggested. "What do you think all of that crud is that's flying around in the air over there?"

It looked a lot like multi-coloured bubbles. "Maybe it's ladybirds." Lily suggested.

James laughed wrinkled his nose; a single ladybird crawled out of his ear, buzzing a few loops around his head before disappearing into the room. Lily rolled her eyes and giggled. Just a few days prior, James had been showing off his peculiar knack for producing quantities of ladybirds from his ears. It was an incredibly weird skill that Lily attributed to some kind of Transfiguration spell. However he did it, Lily had laughed until she was blue in the face. She'd been teasing him about it ever since, and he'd enthusiastically produced a few ladybirds every time she'd mentioned it. The spell must have been wearing off though, because he'd been managing fewer bugs at a time.

Over the pounding of the music, the sound of angry shouting rose from the room they had just left, and James stood on his tiptoes, peering over the heads in the crowd.

"What's going on, James?" Lily tugged on his arm, trying to stand a little taller and see for herself.

"I can't really tell," he said, grimacing. "I see a lot of sparks though."

"Do you think it's Regulus."

"Probably, but I can't be sure from here." James scratched his head and gave Lily a worried glance. "Look, would you mind waiting here for a minute? I need to see if Remus needs any help."

"I'll come with you." Lily set her drink down on a ledge.

"No you won't." Placing a firm hand on her shoulder, James looked her in the eye. "Lily, please stay right here by this wall. I'll be back in a minute."

"James, I can…"

"Just don't go anywhere, okay?" he interrupted. "I promise I'll be right back."

"But, James…"

And he was gone, off to back up his friends. He just couldn't take not being a part of the action, but he wouldn't let Lily in on it too. He was treating her like a child. Squinting with irritation, Lily crossed her arms and leaned on the wall. She knew she was sulking and she didn't care. He had no right to treat her like that.

The shouting had stopped, and the atmosphere seemed the same as it had been only a few minutes ago. Everything was under control. The only difference was that she was by herself. She listened to the pounding music, wondering where it was coming from. Perhaps she should just go ahead and find out for herself.

Lily wasn't about to spend the whole night sitting in a corner just because James told her to. She didn't need him; she was a big girl. Glancing around the room, Lily strolled through the crowd, not recognising a soul. She didn't stop, but just continued to walk as if she knew exactly where she was going, hoping she looked like she fit in.

Several very cool looking people were sauntering down a hall, and Lily walked nearby; wherever they were going was sure to be just as cool as they looked. Before she knew it, Lily found herself swept into an excessively loud drawing room with far too many tall strangers that were all jostling her about with their vigorous dancing. Sparks of every colour were flying through the air, and someone stepped on Lily's foot. It really wasn't the kind of thing she had hoped for. Which way was the exit anyhow?

She began pushing through the oblivious crowd, hoping to find the door she'd entered by. Squeezing between two rather large girls, and then around a very bouncy wizard, Lily finally reached the wall. Nobody had noticed her at all – not even that boy with the dancing-duck-print robes who she'd shoved to the floor when he wouldn't get out of the way. She flattened her hand on the wall and slid along the ribbed wallpaper as she worked her way along the edge of the room, sure that she had to come to a door at some point.

After a frustratingly short distance, Lily ran into a cluster of girls who were taking turns at screaming conversation into one another's ears. Lily tried to go around them, but got sucked back into the throng of dancers. It was practically a black hole in there. An arm snuck around her waist and Lily turned to see a lecherous looking man leering down at her. Wiggling away in panic, she bumped smack into a tall, growling witch with frighteningly crooked teeth. Backing away from the dangerous snarl, Lily tripped over a spidery pair legs and felt a sharp something-or-other jab her in the ear. The fun was draining out of the evening rather rapidly, and Lily wanted nothing more at that moment than to see a friendly face. Why did James have to go and abandon her anyway?

When she finally made it back to the ribbed wallpaper, Lily vowed that she wasn't leaving it again until she found the door. The next time she came to a lazy wallflower, she yelled for him to move, but he didn't hear her over the racket of the music. She tapped him on the shoulder, but he didn't notice her. Finally, she just thrust the man out of the way without ceremony, and kept walking. Thank heavens she wasn't a weakling!

A few more steps along, and the back of someone's shoulders were blocking her way yet again; Lily simply gave him a firm push without any warning at all. With that, however, the young man spun around to look directly at her, eyes widening in surprise. It was Benjamin Summers.

Relief coursed through her limbs as Benjamin took Lily's hand and led her through the mob to the doors. Funny thing was, none of the dancers in that part of the room seemed remotely threatening. The weirdoes must all have moved on.

Benjamin pulled Lily through an intricate series of doors and hallways, that she quickly lost track of, while the quantities of surrounding people became fewer and fewer. It wasn't until he shut a door behind them, cutting off the bulk of the music, that Lily noticed he was still holding her hand firmly in his.

"What are you doing here?" Benjamin asked.

"It's a party. Why shouldn't I be here?"

"I'm just surprised, is all."

"Where are we, anyway?" Lily asked. She looked around the untidy bedroom, noting that it was even worse than her room at home.

"Oh, er," Benjamin stammered, blushing furiously, "this is my room."

"Your room? You live here?" What? The whole situation didn't mesh with anything that Lily knew about Benjamin's family.

"I live here half the summer," he said. Profound confusion must have shown on Lily's face, because he proceeded to explain. "This is Rigolets Park. It's Josiah's house."

"Oh!" The puzzle was finally coming together. She was in Josiah's house, Benjamin was staying over, and they were throwing a party; how unusual. "Josiah's parents let him have parties like this?"

With a soft snort, he answered, "Not exactly. His older sister, Jane, is throwing this 'birthday party' for her idiot boyfriend. Mr. and Mrs. Mitchell are out of the country this week, but she'll never be able to hide it from them. They're going to go mental when they find out."

"I'd hate to be around for that," Lily said.

"No kidding! That'll be the signal for Josiah and me to move to my house."

"I'd get out earlier than that, if it were me." A photo on the dresser caught Lily's eye – it was a picture of herself.

"We'll probably go tomorrow," Benjamin said.

"I'm glad you like my advice." The photo Lily was standing up next to Benjamin at a Quidditch match, alternately cheering for the team and giving Benjamin a big hug.

"I like everything about you," he continued.

"That's impossible," she argued. "You can't like everything about someone." When was that picture taken anyway?

"You're right."

That certainly recaptured her undivided attention. "I'm right?" What did he think was wrong about her?

"Yeah," he admitted. "There is something I don't like about you."

"What is it?" Did she really want to know for sure?

"I'm not sure I should tell you." Rubbing the back of his neck, Benjamin fixed his eyes on his shoes.

"You know you can tell me." It was probably her freckles – no surprise there.

He wasn't biting, however. "So Lily, how has your summer been so far?"

"Okay, Mr. Subject Changer, but don't think I've given up."

Benjamin laughed and chewed his lip. "Do you want to sit down?" He waved at the bed, which happened to be the only piece of furniture that wasn't completely covered in clothes and Quidditch junk. Lily perched herself on the edge of the bed, Benjamin lowering himself next to her; he still hadn't released her hand, and her palm was beginning to sweat.

It was easy to lapse into the familiar conversation of old friends; he asked about her summer so far, and she discussed the letter he'd recently sent her. However, Lily couldn't quite get her mind off of the way his thumb was rubbing her skin. During the last few months of school, Benjamin and Lily had become even better friends than ever before. In Lily's opinion, their improved friendship had been possible because Benjamin had finally stopped asking her out. On their final day at Hogwarts, he'd managed to surprise her, though, by asking her out one last time. She wished he hadn't; it was heart breaking to turn him down yet again, but she really couldn't see any way around it. In the end, she'd agreed to correspond with him over the summer. Sitting there next to Benjamin, three weeks into the break, and having already received two letters that he'd written, Lily felt a bit guilty that she hadn't even started her first letter to him. At least he was nice enough not to mention it.

After little while, Lily brought the talk back around to where they had started. "Come on, Ben," she pleaded. "Tell me what it is about me you dislike."

"I can't." He looked away, blushing.

Lily's curiosity was mounting. "How can I fix it if you won't tell me what it is?"

"I don't think you would like to hear it," he told her.

"Try me." She was in the mood to be generous.

"Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise."

"Alright then," he whispered, "what I don't like about you is that you won't let me kiss you."

"How do you know I won't?"

"I, um, well…what do you mean?" Benjamin looked dumbfounded. He couldn't have been more surprised than Lily, however. She couldn't believe she'd said that – it was sort of exciting.

"You never asked," she replied. All of her insides were tingling.

Watching her carefully, Benjamin asked, "Can I kiss you, Lily?" He didn't waste any time, did he?

"I don't know, Ben. Can you?" She knew she shouldn't want him to, but…

A dull bang echoed from somewhere down the hall.

"I love it when you call me that," he said.

"When I call you what?"

"Ben. Nobody else in the world calls me that."

Another bang, slightly louder sounded again. It was probably some partiers running around.

"Ben." She tried the name, never having realised that she even used it. He had lots of names around Hogwarts: Benji, mostly; Mr. Summers, according to the professors; Benjamin, by a few girls; but she'd never really heard anybody call him Ben. Somehow it seemed incredibly intimate.

"You only say it when we're alone, and close," he continued. "I love hearing it." He raised a hand to her hair, rubbing a lock between his fingers. "It's like your own special name for me."

"I guess it is…Ben."

There was yet another bang, a little closer.

"You're a really special girl, Lily." His hand was trailing down her back as he drew even nearer to her.

On several occasions, Lily had wondered what it would be like to kiss Benjamin. Maybe it was high time she found out.

A worrisome little doubt was nudging the back of her mind. Maybe she shouldn't do it. She knew she didn't want a romance with Benjamin, but who was looking for long-term romance at sixteen years old? Laura kissed boys all the time, and they got along just fine. James probably wouldn't like it very much, but James wasn't even attracted to her. He hadn't tried to kiss her in ages. Why should he get a say in who she kissed?

Again, something banged loudly across the hall.

She could do anything she wanted – Benjamin was always telling her that. Benjamin was also leaning in very closely. Lily swallowed hard. She could do whatever she wanted. Leaning in herself, Lily kissed him first, and heard his sharp intake of breath. Not waiting for any more encouragement, he kissed her back eagerly. Before long, he was sucking on her lower lip, and she could feel his tongue swishing around inside her mouth – that was a little weird. When he pulled away to look at her, he grinned, and Lily was fairly sure that Benjamin's brain wasn't operating at full capacity.

Suddenly, Lily flinched when the door to the room banged open, and she felt Benjamin stiffen as a familiar voice sounded deeply behind her.

"Take your hands off of my fiancée," the voice demanded.

James didn't sound very happy. Not at all.


	21. Jagged Little Pill

Chapter 21: Jagged Little Pill 

Benjamin jumped up like the bed was full of hot coals, his wide eyes fixed on James. Startled confusion was blooming on his face.

Holding her breath, Lily closed her eyes; she couldn't believe what was happening. Her pounding heart was likely to explode.

"Are you okay, Lily?" James asked in a low voice. At last she turned to see him framed in the doorway; his wand was aimed at Benjamin, whom he was watching closely.

Lily's mind spun helplessly as her nerves threatened to overload. She laid her hands flat on the bedspread to calm their trembling. "What are you doing?" she asked.

Blinking, he glanced at her. "I'm, er…saving you," he said.

"Saving me?" she repeated. "From what?" Lily tried to control her chattering jaw.

"I couldn't find you," he explained. "This girl told me she saw some guy dragging you upstairs. So I thought…I thought you were in trouble. I was worried about you."

"Well, stop it, okay? I don't need you to be worried about me." The whole situation was so mortifying; Lily just wished everyone would vanish.

"I couldn't help worrying," James retorted. "She said he took you upstairs…"

"It's not like upstairs is some dangerous place," she argued. "There are lots of people upstairs."

"They aren't up here for the conversation, Lily." James' eyes narrowed at Benjamin.

"So what?" she spat out. "That doesn't give you the right to barge in here like this." He was embarrassing her more than she could have thought possible. "And put your wand down, will you? You're so over dramatic."

"What's going on, Lily? Why are you in here?" James wanted an explanation – of course he did. But Lily's state of mind was far too volatile for her to come up with a decent story.

"Why do you care?" Lily asked. "I thought you were busy with your friends." Her trembling hands were getting worse, and she balled them into fists, pressing her knuckles into the mattress.

"What? I was only gone for a minute, and when I came back you were gone. I've been looking all over for you. I was worried sick."

Lily felt like a caged tiger, itching to lash out; she needed to walk around, clear out her head, get her blood circulating; but in the cramped, cluttered room, there wasn't any place to go. Her inner tiger was nervous and growling.

"I can take care of myself," Lily snarled. "Would you stop hovering over me like a stuffy big brother?"

"Like a…oh, come on Lily, that's not fair," James said.

"No. Do you know what's not fair?" Lily asked, standing up. "What's not fair is that everybody keeps trying to run my life for me. But that is over with," she announced. The agitated tiger was crouching for the attack. "From now on, my life is up to me – nobody else. If I want to visit upstairs bedrooms with a dozen guys, I can do it, and it's none of your business!"

James didn't appear impressed. "Did he try anything with you?" he asked.

Wasn't he listening? "Like I said, that's none of your business."

"Summers?" James growled menacingly, redirecting his attention to Benjamin.

"I, um…we were just, er…"

Lily interrupted Benjamin's non-response. "Do you really want to know?" she asked. "Huh? Fine. Benji is so dangerous." The tiger sprang into action and, mid-leap, there wasn't any turning back. "You know what he did? He let me kiss him." James blanched in shock; apparently he hadn't quite expected that. "That's right, James. I kissed him. And I liked it, too. So what are you going to do about it?" What _was_ he going to do? That was the real question spiralling through her mind.

James stared helplessly, trying to piece together what she had just said. His wand lowered, forgotten. "Lily. I…I don't understand." He looked so wretched – so heartbroken.

Lily's throat constricted. "That's just it, James. You never understand. You just don't get it. I'm not a little girl, but everybody's always treating me like one. I don't need you to baby-sit me; I don't need to be rescued from Benji; and I sure don't need to anybody to pick my husband for me."

James was shaking his head – he didn't want to believe it. "You promised that you would keep an open mind about this, Lily." His voice was rising, and his fists were clenching. "You promised! But you haven't, have you? You never even tried."

"I did try." Didn't she?

"No you didn't!" James shouted. Growling, he pulled at his hair and turned away from her. Forcing his breathing back under control, he faced her again. "And then you promised that you wouldn't date anybody but me. Do you remember that, Lily? Let me refresh your memory," he added harshly. "It was just after you dumped your boyfriend who cheated on you. You'd walked in on him snogging another girl and it broke your heart. Does that sound familiar?"

Lily's heart stopped. She was just like Matt. She wanted to throw up. "James, I…"

"I trusted you, Lily," he interrupted. "I trusted you!" James was back to pulling out his hair and not looking at her. "All along," he continued, pacing in the doorway, "All along, Regulus Black has been telling me that you were cheating on me, but I didn't believe it." He stopped to scrutinise her, his eyes dark. "For once he was telling the truth, wasn't he? You promised me!" he shouted again. "You promised. But you didn't mean it. You were just trying to brush me off, like you've been doing all year," he laughed hollowly. "I can see that now."

"James…"

"Don't worry, Lily, I _understand_ perfectly."

"You don't understand anything," Lily defended. "You're just trying to force something that's never going to happen."

"Never?"

"We tried it, James, and it didn't work," she said. He'd been forced to pick her, but Lily wasn't going to let that continue. "I'm not going to marry you. You've just been following me around, and making me stressed out all year for nothing. If you actually cared about me, you'd see that and leave me alone." She just couldn't handle one more day of watching him try to make himself feel something for her. It was too much.

Nodding, James rubbed his face and leaned an arm against the doorframe. "You want me to leave you alone?" he said.

"What do you think?" Lily whispered, not trusting her voice any farther.

He nodded again. "I see how it is."

Lily squinted. Did he really? Because she wasn't sure she did. As she watched him for what seemed like an eternity, she couldn't think of anything except how pitiful he looked, and how she just wanted to give him a big hug and tell him everything was going to be alright. But she couldn't do that – it was too dangerous. If she did, she might end up apologising, and then they'd make up, and then her peculiar feelings for him would get even stronger, and that could only lead to heartbreak. If he really wanted her, she needed him to prove it; to make the first move; to show her that she was truly important to him. She needed him to protect her heart. Why did she have to be such a coward?

"I want you to be happy, Lily," he said at last. "You obviously don't believe that, but it's true. Sorry for making you so miserable."

Miserable? Miserable wasn't quite the word she would use. Uncomfortable, sure. Annoyed, sometimes. Scared, definitely. But never miserable.

"If you've already made up your mind," James added, "I guess there isn't anything else for me then."

"What do you mean?"

"Good bye, Lily," he said. "I'll leave you alone like you want. Remus will take you home."

And with a pop, James was gone. With that pop, a horrible, hollow pain washed over Lily. He wasn't really gone, was he? Wasn't James going to stay and fight for her? Didn't he care enough to put in some effort?

Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't…oh, dear; it was going to be a lot harder than she thought. Breathing was suddenly so difficult, and a tense pang was engulfing her stomach, moving upwards into her throat. She wasn't going to cry.

Lily reached for Benjamin; at least he could comfort her. But he backed away, stumbling over a Beater's bat and steadying himself with a hand on the cluttered dresser.

"His fiancée?" he sputtered in disbelief.

"Not anymore." Obviously. James didn't want her.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

She looked at the carpet and shrugged, sucking hard on her teeth. Why hadn't she told him? Lily couldn't really say.

"Lily?" he demanded. He wasn't going to let her off the hook that easily.

Swallowing hard, Lily sat back down on the bed. "I didn't tell very many people," she said. "Just Laura, and my friend Mike." The tension in her chest was becoming unbearable.

"Didn't it ever occur to you that I might like to know that you were _engaged_?" Lily had never seen Benjamin so furious; he was pacing back and forth across the small room, carelessly walking over the junk strewn across the floor.

No wonder James didn't want her – she was a horrible friend. Cringing all over, she smoothed her skirt, feeling particularly small. "There was never a good chance to tell you." What a pathetic excuse.

Stopping to face her, Benjamin looked incredulous. "Seems like one of the hundreds of times that I asked you out might have been convenient."

Where was a good rock to crawl under when a girl needed one? "It wasn't hundreds," she whispered.

"It felt like it! Do you have any idea how much grief I could have saved myself if I'd known you were taken?"

"I'm not taken," she defended, her temper rising again, "and I never was."

"Engaged is the same as taken, Lily," he argued hotly.

"It's not really being engaged unless I agree to it, and I never said yes." Standing once again, Lily moved towards him. "My parents planned it all out for me. I only found out last summer."

"You could have told me, Lily," he said, stomping away from her, to the other side of the room. "I would have backed off."

"But I didn't want that."

"So you just wanted to make me think I actually had a chance if I could hold out long enough."

"No, I didn't do that." Lily wrapped her arms around herself.. Don't cry. Don't cry. She swallowed at the burning in her throat.

"You did, Lily. You couldn't make up your mind, so you made sure to string me along until you knew what you wanted. You could have told me, you know. Didn't you think I would understand? Aren't we friends?"

"I'm sorry, Ben," she murmured, gripping her arms painfully. "I'm really sorry. Of course we're friends. I know I should have told you, but I was so confused about the whole thing. Until last year, I'd never even heard of a Wizarding Betrothal, it was hard to get used to, and I wasn't comfortable talking about it."

Benjamin stopped pacing and looked up. "Did you say it's a Wizarding Betrothal?"

Lily clamped her eyes shut, trying to wring the burning from her eyes.

"Not just an arranged marriage," he confirmed, "but a Wizarding Betrothal."

"Yes, Benjamin." Couldn't he just forgive her already?

"As in, with a binding magical contract?"

Lily nodded again.

"Sweet mother of Merlin, Lily!"

"What's wrong?"

Benjamin looked at her like she had several heads. "Lily, what were you thinking? You can't just decide not to follow through with a magical contract. I can't believe Potter didn't hex my guts out on the spot!"

"Who cares about the stupid contract?" she wondered. The contract itself was the furthest thing from her mind.

Benjamin shook his head in disbelief. "I imagine Potter cares about it. And you would too if you were any kind of friend at all."

Of course she was a horrible friend; they'd already established that. Couldn't they just get on with the forgiving part?

"You know what?" he added, "You aren't the girl I thought you were." Benjamin headed for the door. "I can't even believe this," he muttered. "I'm out of here. See you next autumn, Evans."

And then she was alone. Completely. Photo Lily was still cheering happily and hugging Benjamin. Real life Lily found herself sitting back down on the bed in shock. What had just happened?

Breathing heavily, Lily massaged her neck, trying to think – trying, but not quite managing it. A thousand weights were pressing down, suffocating her, killing her. Quite suddenly, Lily couldn't take it any more. She had to move.

Bolting through the door and down the hall, Lily rushed past a snogging couple, past a tower of empty butterbeer bottles, past a cloud of rainbow bubbles. She pushed her way through the house in a hasty search for an exit. She couldn't think of anything she wanted more than to get home. Squeezing through a heavy door, Lily rushed out onto the front lawn, only to stop short in horror.

Apart from the humongous house itself, there wasn't a light to be seen. Rigolets Park was smack dab in the middle of nowhere. Her spiralling mind slammed to a screeching halt as she realised that she had flooed there – she could be anywhere in the world. She didn't exactly have a stash of floo powder tucked in her shoe. How was she supposed to get home?

Don't cry. Don't panic. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Stay calm. How to get home? Think, Lily, think! Maybe she could beg some floo powder off of somebody in the parlour.

James had managed to find a wizard owned, Muggle inn, located in an older part of town, where the innkeepers were nice enough to let Lily, James, and Remus borrow their floo connection for the evening. If Lily could just get back to the inn, she could make it home from there – she was sure of it.

The parlour was still bottlenecked beyond belief, but Lily was small and impolite. It didn't take too long to find the fireplace, where she also found a little bit of luck. Someone's tin of floo powder had dropped near the hearth, and the glittery powder dusted several feet of carpet, billowing up around her ankles as she stepped on it. Mindful of her short skirt, Lily reached down, managed to scrape together a handful of floo powder, and thrust it into the fire. "Schweggmann's Inn," she called, and then stepped into the green flames.

A few moments later, Lily fell gracelessly out of a cold hearth and onto her knees. The inn was dark and chilly, her knees hurt, and she could barely breathe. Clutching at the rug, painful sobs began wracking her body. She wasn't going to cry. She wasn't going to cry…but she did anyway.

James hated her, and Benjamin did too. She'd been dumped by two guys at once – and it hurt like a kick in the head.

Lily had used Benjamin; as she cried into the darkness, she could see that. He had every right to hate her guts. He'd flirted and sweet-talked her, and she'd batted her eyes right back – just enough to keep him around to stroke her ego. He'd been fun, and he'd been safe. She was finally acknowledging it, but it was too late; he had already looked right through her and gagged at the sight.

And James…oh, James…It was too painful to even think about him. Pressing her palms into her eyes, Lily tried to steady her breathing, but it was hopeless. All along, she'd fought James tooth and nail, even though she wanted him so badly. She'd been afraid of letting him hurt her, and in the end, she'd hurt herself. The price of cowardice was high indeed.

She could do whatever she wanted, sure, but there had to be consequences to swallow, and it was a jagged pill to take. Lily had been determined that she wouldn't answer to anyone. In the end, she still had to answer to herself, and that was a lot harder than she would have expected.

Heaving herself to her feet, Lily fumbled her way through the black sitting room to the back door. Without a wand she couldn't lock it behind her, like the innkeepers had requested. She just couldn't do anything right.

Lily wiped at her face and nose while she surveyed the street. She knew exactly where she was, but it was going to be an awfully long walk home – it would have been a long way even with her skateboard – and the creepy darkness didn't exactly help her feel very safe. Leaning against a telephone box, Lily sniffled and pulled off her shoe, dropping a warm coin into her hand.

Over breakfast that morning, Lily's father had issued an annoying lecture about how she should always carry enough change for a phone call, and that she should never be afraid to call home, no matter how much trouble she found herself in. Well, she was in trouble – without a doubt – but she sure didn't want to call home.

Slipping the coin into the slot, Lily dialled Mike's number, taking deep steadying breaths and crossing her fingers that he would be home.

"Hi, Mr. Johnson. It's Lily Evans. I'm really sorry to call so late." What time was it anyway? "Could I please talk to Mike?" Terrific. Mr. Johnson would tell her parents that she'd phoned in the middle of the night, and they would know something unusual happened. Prepare for the interrogation. She pressed the door shut, and sucked her teeth hard until Mike picked up the line.

"Hey," she whispered, her voice beginning to falter. "Hey, um, I was wondering if I could, um…" Breathe, Lily, breathe. "Can you pick me up?" she finally squeaked. Why did she have to start crying again at the worst time? Yet again, she was raising the standard of being hopelessly pathetic.

Lily could hear him talking into her ear as she tried to swallow the insistent sobs stifling her speech. What happened, Lil? Of course he would be right there – just tell him where "there" was. Was she in a safe place? Take a deep breath, Lil. Calm down. Was she hurt? Where was she calling from? Everything was going to be okay.

Biting her lip, she swallowed her unruly emotional outburst. "Do you know where Schweggmann's Inn is at?" she choked out. "By the old car park? Yeah. I'm in the phone box." Mike was already out the door.

It would take him a few minutes to get there, she knew, and she slid down to sit on the floor of the cramped box to wait. She felt exhausted, embarrassed, and heartbroken – all in one lovely little bundle. Nothing had gone right at all. And it was all her own fault. A fine layer of floo powder was covering her shoes, and she smeared it around with her index finger. Fat lot of fun that party had turned out to be.

The evening had begun with a liberating swell of personal independence. She'd ended up independent alright – independent and alone in a telephone box, nobody else in sight. It wasn't exactly the sort of independence she'd had in mind.

A wad of chewed gum was stuck to the glass near her head, and she wrinkled her nose. She felt like a piece of chewing gum. Leaving the house, she'd been nice and neat, inside and out, but now she felt like a chewed-up and spat-out wreck.

Some movement attracted her attention to a shadowy alley nearby, and she balled her fists, trying to stop them from shaking with her worn-out nerves. There probably wasn't anybody there, but Lily didn't have her wand on her. She wasn't allowed to do magic at home yet, and James was always around to do magic for her, so why bother to carry it. But James wasn't there anymore.

Lily shifted so that her feet were wedged against the door. As if that was going to keep anybody out. Why hadn't she worn her comfortable blue jeans? They were so much more practical, but she just had to be stylish, didn't she?

A rat scurried out of the alley and crawled up to the box; Lily slapped her hand against the glass, hoping to startle it away. Flinching at the sound, the rat stared directly at her before scuttling off to a smelly bin on the corner. It was so creepy and disgusting. It was still watching her too. Didn't rats bite? Maybe it was a vicious killer rat that would charge her down when she came out of the phone box.

One time she'd seen a movie where psychotic birds swarmed innocent people and pecked them to death. They'd attacked a woman in a phone box. Rats seemed more dangerous than birds. And she was in a phone box, too. Lily scanned the area for more rats. They were probably hiding – waiting for her to come out. Hopefully Mike's car was working well enough to make a speedy get away. Cars were much faster than rats. Unless they were magical rats. Then she would really be in trouble.

Hundreds of magical rats poised to attack, and Lily didn't have her wand. Stupid, Lily. Just plain stupid. Couldn't she ever think ahead? Couldn't she ever just use her brain and think things out? Not likely. Maybe she should just let the rats have her. She couldn't do any more damage that way. She wouldn't hurt anymore if she were dead. The rats were starting to sound a lot friendlier.

An irregular rumbling approached, and bright lights swept the street; Lily stood up awkwardly and straightened her skirt while Mike dashed from the car. He thrust the telephone box's door open and grabbed Lily into a ferocious, two-armed hug.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

Lily nodded into his shirt, but her gasping breath and shaking shoulders betrayed her. Rubbing her back, he said, "I was worried about you. This isn't a very safe neighbourhood to get yourself stranded in, Lil."

"I'm sorry," she mumbled into his T-shirt.

"Don't be sorry," her friend whispered. "It's not your fault."

If only that were true…


	22. You Live, You Learn

Chapter 22: You Live, You Learn 

Lily turned a tiny jar in her fingers, running her thumb over the label. Stinksap; she'd never even opened it. While James had not actually come out and admitted to putting the jar in her dorm, she was fairly convinced that he'd done it. How? She had no clue. It wasn't logical. It was, however, amusing. James was always full of amusing surprises. He'd surprised her the night before, too, but it hadn't been amusing in the least.

"Why don't you call him?"

"I might." Lily closed her fist around the jar and looked up at Mike; his long legs were stretched out in the grass as he reclined against the fence. The two friends had been there for nearly an hour, sitting side by side on the lawn by the Evans' back gate, thoughtful and quiet in the stillness of the summer morning.

Less than twelve hours previously, Lily had arrived home a complete wreck. Her father, who just happened to be up watching television when she arrived, had been suspicious of her tear stained face, but noting that she was all in one piece, chose to be merciful and leave the interrogation for later. Relieved, Lily had rushed upstairs to meet Mike, who was sneaking into her bedroom through the balcony. After they'd quietly hashed out the whole troublesome situation, Mike tucked Lily into bed, ordering her to at least pretend to sleep, and to expect him back later in the morning – it was the wee hours, after all. Much to her surprise, Lily did manage a couple of hours of sleep which, accompanied by a long shower and a decent breakfast, proved to calm her down immensely…that, and the fact that her mother was in the kitchen baking lemon squares.

Sitting in the grass with Mike, Lily's mind felt clearer than it had in months, and her heart felt heavier than she'd ever thought possible. She'd royally screwed up her life. Big time.

A spotted ladybird landed on her bent knee, crawling across the taught denim of her jeans. It was pretty and perfect, and also a piercing reminder of James. He and Lily had sat under the same tree when he'd showed her his little ladybird trick. After Lily had recovered from the shock of watching insects spew from his ears, she'd been delighted to watch hundreds of ladybirds swirling around them before scattering throughout the garden. It was hard for Lily to know if she wanted to cherish the little memory, or shoo it away so that she could try to forget.

"You should call him," Mike repeated. "How can you two work things out if you don't talk to each other."

She couldn't call James – he didn't have a telephone – but she could owl him. Trouble was: Lily didn't know what to write. Hadn't she told herself that she wanted him to give up? It hadn't gone at all like she had planned. "There isn't anything to say."

Mike didn't agree.

Lily corralled the ladybird from crawling down her shin. If she had it to do all over again, she would have held onto James' hand through the whole night. She would have relished his strong grip, and his warm presence. She would have let him look after her to his heart's content; she would have let him protect her from the pain she'd brought on herself. With another chance, Lily never would have wandered away from him. As long as she was reliving her life, she would have gone back even further and told Benjamin about her engagement months ago. She'd been so selfish – it was out of control.

Watching the ladybird fly away, Lily dropped her knee to the grass. "I'm a bad friend," she said.

"No you're not."

"I am." Lily rolled the Stinksap jar between her fingers morosely. "Benjamin told me I am."

"He was mad. Everybody says things they don't mean when they lose their temper."

"It was still true."

Mike shook his head. "You're only a bad friend if you don't try to fix things when problems come up."

"There's nothing left to fix," Lily said. "They both hate me."

"That's not true."

"When I broke up with Matt, I never wanted to talk to him again." Lily trained her eyes on her small jar. "I was so mad that he'd betrayed me that I called him all kinds of mean names and ignored him all year at school. I said I never wanted to be friends with him again." Tension was burning in her throat. "And then I turned around and acted just like him."

Withdrawing his hands from behind his head, Mike slid an arm around Lily's shoulder and pulled her against him. He stroked her head silently as she cried.

"I want things back the way they were, Mike. I want James to come back and forgive me and be nice and pretend like nothing ever happened. But he won't. He doesn't care. He's happy to be rid of me."

Mike shushed her words and continued to pet her hair. Of course he didn't know what to say – Lily couldn't blame him.

"Do you hear that?" he asked her. The deep rumbling of a motorcycle sounded in the little road behind them.

Lily nodded and wiped her face. The rumbling was definitely getting closer.

Mike grinned. "I told you he'd still want to talk to you."

"So you think it's James?"

"Who else do you know that rides a motorcycle around here?"

Could James really be coming back to her? Lily scrambled to her feet and tried to watch the back road through the wooden fence, but the hedge by the road was blocking her view; it had been running wild. "What am I going to do?" The idea that James was coming had her heart thumping already.

"Relax and talk to him until you get everything straightened out," Mike suggested. He acted like it was the easiest thing in the world.

"How do I look?"

"Beautiful, as usual."

"There's not big circles under my eyes?" She should have worn some make-up.

"You look fine, Lil. I'm going to scram. I don't want to see all the mushy stuff."

"No! Stay with me, please?"

"How are you supposed to kiss and make up if I'm hanging around?"

"Please stay Mike! I need you here." She couldn't face James alone. What if he just wanted his leather jacket back or something.

Tires screeching, the loud engine roared up behind the fence. Lily straightened her T-shirt, wishing she'd put a little more effort into her appearance. Maybe she looked pathetic enough to garner some sympathy. Not that she deserved it. Slipping the Stinksap into her pocket, Lily swallowed hard.

BANG! Lily instinctively ducked when the wooden gate lurched off of its hinges and pieces of broken timber scattered across the lawn. She uncovered her face to see Sirius Black marching towards her. He was unmistakably angry.

"What do you think you're playing at, little girl?"

"I don't know?" She really didn't.

"Don't lie to me! You're nothing but a devious, tarty little—"

"Hang on just a minute." Mike forced himself between Lily and Sirius' threatening wand. "Who do you think you are? You can't just bust in here like this!"

Lily could see Sirius' eyes widen in surprise, before narrowing dangerously. "I'll give you three seconds to get away from me."

"Or what?"

"Three. _Sphaera Rubesco_!"

"No!" Lily cried. But it was too late – where Mike had stood, there was nothing but a dingy, red Quaffle. "Change him back!"

"Why should I? I think I'll take him down to the pitch for the Cannons to practice with this week."

Lily grabbed the Quaffle and hugged it to her stomach protectively. "Sirius Black! You change him back right now or I'll report you to the ministry. You can't just go around transfiguring innocent Muggles into sporting goods."

Sirius leaned over her and smirked. "Your little boyfriend deserved it!"

"He isn't my boyfriend."

"So he's just your snog buddy? Nice. You've got even less class than I'd expected, Evans."

Stunned, Lily backed away from him and bumped into the tree. "What are you doing here, Sirius? Did you just come to insult me?"

"Don't play that game with me. I heard all about last night from Remus. How you finally admitted you've been cheating on James, and, as if that wasn't enough, you had to rub it right in his face."

"I did not."

"You did!" Clenching his free hand, Sirius shook his wand at her. "You were dead set against him from the beginning, and you've been making him chase you around, playing him for the fool, all along. Haven't you, you little tart."

"You don't know anything about what I've been through." Cradling the Quaffle in her arms, Lily wished it were big enough to hide behind. "James didn't have to chase me around; he only did it because he was expected to…because his father wanted him to. But he didn't even want me. I'm nothing to him but a little child who he thinks he's got to keep an eye on so I don't hurt myself."

"If he treats you like a child, it's because you act like one." Lowering his wand, Sirius paced a small circle, wrestling with his temper. "Every time James tried to treat you like an adult, you'd just run away, making it perfectly clear to everyone that you still need to grow up."

"Even when James tried to be all romantic I could tell he was uncomfortable," Lily argued. "I could see right through him. He didn't want to hold me or kiss me or treat me like he loved me – because he doesn't!"

Sirius froze and stared at her, incredulous. "Of course he's uncomfortable!" he said. "Do you have any idea how many hours I've had to listen to James rattle on about how '…_Lily's not ready for that kind of thing. I make her so uncomfortable. Do you think it's me? Or do you think she's still uncomfortable with men in general after Regulus harassed her so much? That would scar anybody. She probably needs more time_…' Blah, blah, blah. Turns out he was wrong, doesn't it?" Sirius advanced on her again. "All along you've been getting it out of your system with your little pal, Summers."

That wasn't true, but why would he care? "James told me he didn't love me."

"Just because he wasn't ready to snog your brains out, doesn't mean he didn't love you." Sirius was back to pacing again. "He needed time to adjust, just like you did. Only thing is, you never even tried. You've fought him tooth and nail every step of the way. James waited years for you. Years! You've been a part of him for his whole life. He loves you like his right arm. He'd do anything for you."

Lily traced a seam on the Quaffle with her index finger. Everything just didn't add up. "If he cares about me so much," she said, "why didn't he do anything about it last night? He just yelled at me and left. He should have stayed to fight for me."

"Look," Sirius began. He strode up to her, his eyes dark. "I don't care what kind of manipulative little games you've been trying to pull, but there is no way I'm going to let you mess things up for James. I'll put you under the Imperius Curse if I have to, but James is not going to Azkaban for you. Is that clear?"

"What are you talking about?" Lily whispered. She leaned back heavily against the tree trunk.

"Haven't you figured it out by now?" he asked, suspicious. "And I thought you were supposed to be so smart. James is responsible for the contract that sealed your betrothal. If he doesn't carry it out, he goes to Azkaban for five years. Five years, Evans. That's as good as a death sentence."

Lily was dumbfounded. She'd heard of that place. James would have to go there? "He…he didn't tell me. James should have told me there was a punishment. How was I supposed to know about that?"

Sirius backed away from her and rubbed his face. "He didn't want you to know."

"Why not?" Lily's temper was rising. "Seems like I would have a right to know something like that! Did he think I couldn't handle it?"

"James is going to murder me," Sirius muttered. He pressed his eyes as Lily continued to rant.

"All this time I've been thinking we actually had a choice." Moving away from the tree, Lily paced between Sirius and the fence. "I thought James was just trying to please his mum, and honour his dead father. But no, he's just been trying to stay out of jail." She waved the Quaffle in her hand. "I am capable of making rational decisions, you know, but it helps if I have all the facts."

"I agree with you." Sirius wasn't looking at her.

"Why would the Potters do something like that, anyway? Who would put that sort of thing on their son?"

"It didn't start out as James' responsibility; it was his father's." Sirius scratched his neck and looked at Lily. "But then his father was assassinated," he continued, "and James became the head of the family, and the obligations of the contract passed to him."

"That doesn't make any sense," Lily argued. "James told me that the contract was signed to protect me. Who would want to risk going to Azkaban over that? Wasn't there a better way?"

He gave her a hard look and said, "It wouldn't be a risk if you weren't so headstrong and rebellious."

"That doesn't answer my question."

Sirius groaned. "Fine. What do you want to know?"

"What's the real reason that the Potters betrothed me and James? And don't bother to give me the 'soften it up for Lily' answer. I want the real reason."

Nodding, Sirius took a deep breath and rubbed his eyes again, deliberately. "A lot of wizards," he began, "think that intermarriage with Muggle-born witches and wizards dilutes the wizarding race. But it doesn't," he added, watching Lily for her reaction. "Mr. Potter worked for years to prove them wrong – that muggle-borns can actually strengthen the power in magical families, and that they shouldn't be discriminated against." It was Sirius' turn to pace the grass as Lily watched from beside the fence. "In one of his experiments, he reconstructed the matchmaking process and used it on James: predicting that it would point to a muggle-born witch as his best match. He was right on…it pointed to you. The Potters wanted to show how committed they were to the research findings, plus they wanted to protect you from all of the political turmoil that was…is going on, so they sealed your engagement."

"With a binding magical contract…"

He nodded in confirmation and continued. "Well, Mr. Potter continued his research for another decade – I think they were studying full Muggles – and he was about to go public with his work when word leaked out about the findings. It was politically unpopular to say the least, and a lot of Muggle-haters wanted to stop the information from being published. The Potters had to go into hiding. Right after we finished at Hogwarts, a group of Death Eaters managed to kill James' dad…they killed the other wizards on his research team…they destroyed all of his findings…it was horrible. James still lives in constant fear that they're going to come after his mum, or that they'll come after you."

Lily's head was beginning to spin, and she leaned against a fence post for support, sliding all the way to the ground. She couldn't believe it. What Sirius had described…that sort of situation only happened in the movies. But it was her life they were talking about…James' life. She wouldn't allow him to go to Azkaban – that was the easy part to deal with. The hard part was the sickening pain gnawing at her heart, tearing down everything she had thought she understood.

She finally knew – James had to choose between marrying her and going to prison. No wonder he followed her around like his life depended on it. It didn't matter if he hated her guts; she was still a better option than prison. He'd never actually meant any of it. All of the sweet words he'd whispered in her ear, the way he'd cradled her hand in his every chance he got, how he'd hugged her like he wanted to hold her there forever – it had all been an act. She knew there had been something missing, she'd been convinced that it wasn't real, but Lily had been unable to help reserving one last shred of hope that he really wanted her. But that hope was gone.

"So all along it's just been an act. He really doesn't care about me at all."

Sirius dropped onto the grass next to her and started banging his head backwards against the fence. "Were you listening to a word I said?" he asked. With a final thump, he let his head rest on the fence post and looked up at the sky, exhaling deeply. "James is willing to go to wizard prison for you. He's willing to give up his whole life to make you happy. He's in love with you!"

"Do you think so?"

Sirius sent her an exasperated look, and returned his gaze to the clouds. "You really are dense, you know that?" His forearms were resting on his bent knees while he twirled his wand between his fingers with an automatic motion.

"I was so horrible to him," Lily said. "I said the meanest things. He's never going to forgive me."

"He'll get over it."

"He shouldn't. I don't deserve that."

"It doesn't matter what you deserve," Sirius told her. "James doesn't care. He'll forgive you anyway, whether you want him to or not."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Experience," he whispered. Sirius' face was still turned upwards; his eyes were closed and his demeanour was calm; the wand was twirling steadily. Behind the fence, his motorcycle's engine was still running, unsettled and forgotten.

Lily stroked the Quaffle in her lap for several minutes, trying to absorb all that he'd told her. It was too much. A twittering bird was perched nearby; it rattled the branch, flew across the lawn, and disappeared over the fence. A clanking echoed from the kitchen; it sounded like the oven door. Maybe the lemon squares were ready. Lily was no longer in the shade, and the hot sun was bore down on her face. It was uncomfortable. "I wish I could just start over."

"I know," Sirius whispered. "I know." Opening his eyes, he looked sideways at her. He did know. Somehow, Sirius understood her. It was comfortable feeling understood. He quirked an eyebrow and smirked at her. "So," he asked, "what are we going to do about your boyfriend?" He motioned to the Quaffle tucked within her arms.

"Oh, we aren't like that. We're just friends – more like brother and sister. I promise. We've been friends since we were babies. Mike had nothing to do with last night. All he did was drive me home."

"You mean this isn't that Summers kid?"

"No, this is Mike Johnson."

"He really is a Muggle?"

"Yes."

Sirius swore softly and rubbed his temples.

"Please just change him back," Lily implored.

Nodding, Sirius sat up straight. "We'll tell him he just passed out or something," he suggested. "If he starts asking too many questions about what happened I'm going to catch it from the MLEs. They're already breathing down my neck as it is."

"What are MLEs?" It sounded familiar.

"Magical Law Enforcement."

Lily looked at him with surprise. She always knew he was the bad boy type, but…"Are you in trouble with the law, Sirius?"

"Nah, they just don't know how to have any fun." Smiling, he picked up his usual, cool demeanour. "A few little pranks here and there and they act like you're trying to burn down the ministry."

"Sirius!"

"What?" he said, "You're not going to tell on me for this are you, sugar?"

Lily shook her head. How could he even suspect it?

"You might want to put him down then," he suggested, gripping his wand.

Lily leaned forward onto her knees and placed Mike-the-Quaffle on the grass.

"_Meton_ _Reducis_," Sirius said, and the Quaffle ballooned into a very familiar seventeen year-old boy, lying face down on the grass.

"Mike? How do you feel?" Lily asked.

"Oh, man. What happened?" Mike pushed himself part-way up and looked around, obviously confused.

"You got hit in the head with a piece of wood when Sirius crashed his bike into the fence," Lily told him.

"Who crashed?"

"My friend Sirius." She motioned over her shoulder to Sirius, who waved politely.

"He crashed into the fence?" Mike repeated.

"Yeah, does your head hurt?" Lily pushed his hair away from his face and helped him sit up.

"I thought he was yelling at you. I could have sworn he hit me or something."

"You must have been dreaming," she said. "You were out cold for a while."

"Dreaming? Yeah, I had a crazy dream." Mike inspected his limbs curiously. "I felt all round and small. I didn't know which way was up."

"Do you want to come and lie down in the lounge?"

"No, I think I'll just sit here a minute." He looked a little dizzy.

"Are you going to be okay?" she asked.

"I'm fine. I've had a million knocks worse than this." That was the truth – Lily knew first hand.

"If you're alright, I need to leave," she said. Lily felt guilty leaving him, but she knew he wasn't hurt, and she was suddenly very anxious.

"What up, Lil?" he wondered, climbing to his feet.

"Sirius is going to help me find James."


	23. Selling Stinksap

Chapter 23: Selling Stinksap 

The clearing was unnaturally oval for the middle of a very wild forest. Hopefully Muggles didn't fly over too often, or they would be sure to get suspicious. Sirius began their descent from the clouds in a broad spiral, lazily circling the Quidditch pitch as he brought the motorcycle nearer to the ground. A lone figure was zooming between the goal posts, and Lily sucked hard on her teeth as she watched him. There was no going back.

The tires touched down with a bump, and Sirius pulled up behind a lonely brick building before he switched off the invisibility booster, and then the engine. Dismounting, he reached for Lily and helped her down.

"Listen, sugar," he said, "I'd appreciate it if you didn't mention to James where you heard about the whole Azkaban thing. He made me promise that I wouldn't tell you."

"Why doesn't he want me to know?" She couldn't help but wonder.

Sirius helped her remove her leather jacket and then draped it over the handlebars with his own. He took a deep breath. "James thinks that, if you know, you'll only go to him out of pity and that you'll resent him forever."

"I wouldn't do that."

"Are you sure?" he asked. Folding his arms, Sirius sat back against the bike.

"Well, I might have in the beginning," Lily admitted. "But I wouldn't do that now."

"Can you convince James of that?"

If she couldn't, Lily didn't know what she would do. "I hope so," she said.

"So do I. Just don't tell him that I'm the one who told you," Sirius repeated. "He'd have my head."

"What happened to James' great forgiving attitude?"

Chuckling softly, Sirius stood up. "I'd rather not push my luck." Fair enough.

"Did you see him out flying over the pitch?" Lily asked.

"I saw him." Sirius grabbed her by the shoulders and started steering her around the side of the building. "Now go on out there and get his attention."

Couldn't she wait a little longer? "I don't know what to say to him."

"Just throw yourself at him," he suggested. "You won't have to say anything."

"That's not going to work." She was sure of it.

"How do you know until you try?"

"I don't know."

Lily didn't know a lot of things. Mainly, she didn't have the foggiest idea of how she was going to explain to James that she had found out the truth about the contract. Of course she could just come out and tell him, but she also wanted him to know that she really cared about him; that she would be begging his forgiveness no matter what. There was no way he wouldn't doubt her. She would just have to screw up her courage and wing it. She was a Gryffindor, after all.

Swallowing hard, Lily made her way out to the pitch to find James. The unnaturally oval clearing contained a practice pitch. There were only two raised spectator stands, one on each side, looming tall and narrow overhead. Lily approached the nearest one and ascended the long flight of stairs, emerging at the very top. Two rows of eight more steps led up both ends of four empty benches. Seating herself on the lowest bench, she looked nervously at the railing in front of her. It was unadorned and low, affording a clear view of the entire flying area, but not a great deal of safety for spectators. It wouldn't keep her from falling. Best not to think about that.

Lily focused her eyes on James in the air; he was flying fast and furiously, with immense concentration. He hadn't noticed her. She considered shouting at him, or waving her arms around to get his attention, but in the end, she simply sat watching. While Lily didn't know all that much about flying on a broomstick, she knew enough to be reasonably impressed. No wonder he played professionally. The only Quidditch Lily had ever seen was at Hogwarts, and those fliers seemed positively slow compared to James.

He appeared to be practising a rather complicated move. Putting on a burst of speed at one end of the pitch, he would duck down into a horizontal spin and then burst into a vertical flip just before rocketing through the left goal. Once through the hoop he would speed off to do it again on the opposite end. It had to be dangerous, and Lily found herself gripping her knees every time he approached the goals.

Sometimes he stopped short of completing the move and just set up to try it again. She was beginning to relax when – oh, dear! James had somehow lost his grip in a spin and flipped right off his broomstick. With only a leg still holding the broom, and inertia still propelling his body forward, the back of his shoulder slammed against the goal post. Lily's fists were white with tension as she watched James hoist himself back onto the broom, rotating his shoulder and wincing. Before she knew it, he was zooming toward the opposite goal once again.

Wasn't he afraid? It was obvious he could get hurt, but he didn't care. He wanted to learn the move, and was willing to take the chance to get what he wanted. Lily could be that brave – she just knew it.

It was when he swung around from behind the goal posts that he finally saw her. Braking immediately, James held his position in the air and stared at her for a very long minute. Their eyes met and Lily felt like he was looking right through her skin, all the way to her heart. She was so exposed, but there would be no hiding.

And then, as quickly as he had noticed her, he flew away. He was gone. What clearer message could he give her? Maybe Sirius was wrong. It was entirely possible that James hated her so much that he would prefer going to prison over ever talking to her again.

"Did Sirius bring you?"

Lily spun in her seat to see James standing, broomstick in hand, on the top bench. He'd snuck up on her. The little git.

"I wanted to talk to you," she said. "I wanted to explain."

"You explained enough last night." He still looked so angry.

"I'm sorry, James."

"Don't be sorry. I don't want your pity."

Lily pitied herself more than anyone, and she had to get her explanation off her chest. "It was only once," she told him. "I mean I never…we hadn't…I've never done anything like that with Benjamin before…not with anybody since I met you."

"Do you think that makes it all okay?" She would be happy to settle for a little less bad…

"I didn't mean to do it, James." Lily rose from her seat to face him. "I don't know what came over me. I guess I was just being rebellious and stupid. And then I said all of those horrible things to you. I didn't mean them. I didn't want you to go…"

"You kissed him Lily." Throwing her a disgusted look, James scratched his head and paced the length of the bench. "You've never kissed me before. But you kissed Benji Summers. And then you told me to leave you alone. What was I supposed to do?"

"I don't know," she whispered.

Stopping to examine her critically, he asked, "Then what do you want?"

"I don't know."

"Well, I don't know either, Lily. So why don't you go snog Summers or something until you make up your mind."

"Benjamin hates me." Pressure was mounting in her stomach.

"He wasn't holding you last night like he hated you."

"There's nothing going on between us." Let that be perfectly clear.

"Normal people don't kiss when there's 'nothing'." He had a point.

"Benjamin fancied me," Lily admitted. "He was always asking me out, but I kept turning him down." Lily picked at the hem of her shirt as she continued. "I should have told him about you a long time ago. I told him the whole story last night, though. About the betrothal and the contract. He got really angry. And then he told me…he said…" Lily faltered.

"What did he tell you?" James looked worried. Was he wondering if Benjamin had told her about the contract penalties? Probably. Benjamin ought to have told her – he'd clearly thought that she knew the consequences of her actions, but that she just didn't care. Way to give a girl the benefit of the doubt, Ben. In the end, it had been Sirius who had told her; the friend who was sworn to secrecy. Maybe she could let Benjamin take the rap for Sirius' confession. James would never know.

"Lily? What did he tell you?"

Then again, James didn't really have to know at all. Would he believe that she was still in the dark?

"He told me I was a horrible friend. And then he left too." Swallowing the burning in her throat, Lily looked back up at James.

"I figured you two must have fought," he said. "I saw you leaving in a hurry."

"You watched me leave?"

Shrugging, James began to step down the stands. "I got Pete to follow you and make sure you got home safe."

"I didn't see him."

"He's sneaky."

"I'll keep that in mind."

James stopped between the second and third benches, one hand holding his broomstick, the other hooked on his pocket. He looked so lost.

Lily climbed up onto the second bench, right in front of James. Standing straight, she was just as tall as he was. With her new perspective, James looked so much smaller. Two large black C's were printed across the front his orange shirt, and Lily reached out to trace them with her finger. The fabric was damp with sweat; she glanced up to see a droplet of moisture trailing down his temple. He'd been working hard at the hottest part of the day – exhausting himself. Was he trying not to think?

James watched her study him, allowing her to touch him; he was barely breathing, and not moving. Letting her hand fall flat against his chest, Lily leaned forward. She wanted to kiss him, to feel his mouth on hers. She wanted him to understand what she didn't know how to explain. She wanted him to want her. She leaned in to him, but James turned his head, grabbing Lily by the wrist. He didn't want her kiss. Mortification burned all the way to her toes. Averting her gaze, Lily tried to jerk her arm away from his grasp, but he didn't let her go. She settled for rearranging her feet so that she wasn't standing so close.

"Are you in love with me, Lily?" he demanded.

"I don't know."

"I thought so." Dropping her wrist, James walked away from her to the back of the stands. He propped his foot up on the railing and looked out.

"How do you…how does somebody know if they're in love?" Lily asked, and wrapped her arms around her body protectively. "What does it feel like?"

James laid his broom on the top bench and ruffled his hair with his hands, pulling at it until it stood straight up, stiff with perspiration. "How am I supposed to know?" James said at last. "I obviously can't recognise it."

The wind was blowing, brushing wisps of hair around Lily's face. She tucked a chunk of hair firmly behind one of her ears and, from her pocket, withdrew the tiny jar of Stinksap, rolling it between her fingers. "I know I like you a lot," she said. "I know I can't stand the idea of being without you."

James looked at her over his shoulder. "How am I supposed to trust you?"

"I'll tell my friends at school about our engagement," Lily offered. "I'll make sure everybody knows I'm your girl." If he would let her be that.

Shaking his head, James rubbed his hair roughly. "I just can't get that picture out of my head," he told her with obvious disgust. "You and Summers… sitting together on the bed… with his hands on you."

"Don't remind me."

"You said you liked it."

"I lied." It had to have been the stupidest lie she'd ever told.

He didn't say anything for a while. He just scratched his sweaty scalp and leaned on the rail while Lily stood in the centre of the stands, on the second bench, twirling the jar in her hand.

At last, James spoke. "What if they didn't do the matchmaking right? What if it only worked one way? They should have performed it on you too, to be sure."

"I don't care about the matchmaking, James. I care about you. Even if a matchmaker told me there were tons of people better for me, I would still pick you." And she would, too.

Looking at her oddly, he began to pace up and down the eight steps. "You should date other people," he told her.

"If you haven't noticed, I'm not very good at doing what other people think I should do."

James snorted, but continued climbing down, and climbing up. "You're so young. I was just being selfish to want you all to myself."

"Am I selfish?" Lily asked.

"Of course not."

She tightened her fingers around the jar. "But I want you all to myself too."

He paused, half way up, and pulled at his hair some more. "I was so mean to you," he said.

"And I was rebellious and cruel. That's why I'm trying to fix this."

"I just don't know…"

Well, he'd better make up his mind. "The contract is signed, James. It's a done deal."

He spun to face her. "I can do whatever I want."

"What about what I want?" Lily asked.

"What do you want, Lily? You haven't managed to tell me."

"I want another chance," she said.

"Why should I give you that?"

"Because you love me."

James stared at her for a moment, but didn't say anything. He finally turned away and sat on the first bench, leaning his elbows on his knees and scratching his scalp with his fingers.

"I've fought you a lot this year," Lily said. "I didn't want to let you too close. I was afraid of what might happen. I'm still afraid. But now I know that I can't let that stop me from taking risks. I have to try, or I'll never know what I might be missing." Stepping down from behind him, she took a seat on the bench beside James and rubbed her thumb over the Stinksap label. "You told me once that you always accept a challenge." Lily held the small jar out in front of him.

He watched it steadily, but did not move to take it from her.

"Would you like it?" she asked.

James was silent.

The weight building on Lily's heart seemed to be slowly crushing her; she didn't dare look at James again. When she drew the jar back towards herself, James suddenly reached out and grasped her hand mid-air, Stinksap and all.

"Thank you," he whispered. James pulled her enveloped hand to his chest, and she knew he would forgive her. When he lifted her to her feet and wrapped his arms around her, she knew she had that second chance.

The happy barking of a dog echoed up from the pitch, and Lily felt James chuckle, his face still buried in her hair. "Can you see that dog?" he asked.

Lily lifted her face from James' chest and scanned the ground, spotting the black dog in the grass. He was looking up at them expectantly. "It's in the middle of the field."

"Give him a thumbs-up for me."

"Why?"

"Just trust me."

Feeling ridiculous, she extended her arm over the rail and stuck up her thumb. "You're such a goof-ball," Lily said.

James tightened his grip around her. "Aren't you sweet," he murmured.

Lily snuggled into his damp chest. "If you say so, James." If you say so.


	24. Epilogue

Epilogue 

Lily rolled up the letter and tucked it into her pocket. The parchment contained only a few words, but those words said a great deal: "_Departure tonight. Remember me. Ben_." He was actually leaving. She hadn't really believed it was going to happen.

When only a week had remained of their seventh year at Hogwarts, Benjamin had surprised Lily by asking her for a private word. Through the previous two years, theirs had been a strained friendship. Officially, they had made up from their fight over Lily's secret engagement, and were as good of friends as ever. Inside, though, they both knew that things could never be the same. Laura maintained that Benji still had feelings for Lily; that he intentionally kept his distance from her to ease his own pain. Lily wasn't so sure about that.

Whatever his feelings, with the end of school rapidly approaching, he felt moved to share some things with her. Benjamin, it turned out, had been accepted into a top secret, underground, international spy network. What exactly they did, he couldn't tell her. He was expecting to be based out of Central America, and he would be working deeply undercover for years at a time, unable to have any contact whatsoever with anyone from his old life. He made it sound very dangerous and exciting. He just wanted her to know about it. He wondered if she would think of him from time to time. Of course she would. How could she not?

_Departure tonight. Remember me. Ben. _Only two weeks after they had finished school, and he was already gone. They weren't messing around.

"Good luck, Ben," she whispered aloud.

Lily leaned back, her gaze drifting over the water that lapped at the beach, and let her finger trace a spot on the bench where "LE JP" was scratched into the blue paint. Smiling, she remembered the time when James had marked the bench. He'd discovered that it was a bit of a neighbourhood tradition for young couples to carve their names together into the paint, and he'd been tickled to participate in such a charming Muggle custom. Lily had rolled her eyes the whole time until, when finished, James gave her the most toe-tingling kiss she'd ever received. Nearly two years later, it was still their favourite spot to meet.

A familiar pop sounded in the bushes nearby, and Lily smiled. That would be James; he'd promised to meet her there. Sirius was planning a large surprise party for James' twenty-fourth birthday that night, and James had known about it for weeks. It was going to be at his own house, after all. Lily and James were planning to enjoy a quiet dinner out before arriving at the party just late enough to annoy Sirius.

One warm hand covered her eyes from behind, while its owner began nibbling on her ear affectionately.

"Hi, Sirius," Lily said.

"What!" James jumped and uncovered Lily's eyes to stare at her.

"Oh, James! It's you!" She turned in her seat and smiled at him.

"You didn't really think I was Sirius, did you?"

Lily took him by the ears and kissed him lightly. "Of course not." But the look on his face was priceless.

Eyes twinkling, James moved around the bench to sit beside her. "I think I need a birthday present to reassure me," he said.

"You can't have your birthday present until we get to the party. I've already told you that four times." Maybe it was five.

He sidled up against her and stretched an arm around her back. "I was hoping for an extra present."

"Getting a bit greedy in your old age, aren't you?"

"Very."

"What sort of extra present do you have in mind?" Lily asked.

"One that involves a little bit of this…" Before she knew it, James had captured her lips with his own, sending butterflies rampaging across her skin. After a moment, he leaned back to wink at her.

"Oh," Lily said, "you mean you'd like this…" She brought his face back to hers and returned the kiss, delicately caressing his mouth until she heard him groan. "Happy birthday," she whispered.

"Do I get a lifetime guarantee with that kiss?"

"I think I can arrange for that." What a goof-ball.

James sat back comfortably and held her tight. "That reminds me, Lily. My mum is getting sort of anxious."

"About what?" Mrs. Potter was always nervous about something.

"She wants a date for the wedding by the end of the week," he said.

"Who's getting married?"

"Er…we are?"

"You're marrying your mother?" she asked. Juvenile, yes, but still amusing.

He rolled his eyes. "I meant you and I. _We_," he pointed to Lily and to himself, "we're getting married."

"A little presumptuous, aren't you? I never said I was going to marry you."

"But I thought…Lily…what?" James was sitting up straight, his eyes growing panicked.

"You heard me," she said. He was so cute when he was flustered.

"But Lily, you told me you loved me."

"I do love you." She gave him a cheerful peck on the nose.

"Then what's the matter? Why aren't you going to marry me?"

"Well, I don't recall ever being proposed to," Lily said. "Doesn't that normally come first?"

Relief flooded James' face as a small smile crept across his lips. He was getting the picture. "I think that can be arranged," he murmured, pressing his lips against her cheek.

Grabbing James by the hand, Lily stood up and pulled on his arm. "You know, James, if we don't go soon, we'll miss our reservations."

"We can't go yet," he said, standing with her.

"Why not?"

"There's a problem that we need to take care of first."

"What's wrong, James."

He settled his hands on her hips and drew her close. "Well, you see," he explained, "there's this freckle on your neck, right here by your collarbone."

"I have freckles all over, James." He didn't have to rub it in.

"Yes, I know, and I love them all. But there's a problem with this particular freckle."

"What's wrong with it?" Was it extra ugly or something?

"I'm concerned," he said, "because it's especially sexy, and I don't think I've kissed it all week."

"James…"

He wrapped his arms firmly around Lily's back, pinning her arms between their bodies. "And we can't have your sexy freckles going unkissed for such a long time."

"James…"

"It just wouldn't be right."

Leaning in, he attacked her neck with rapid, tickling kisses, while running his fingertips over her ribs, sending Lily into hysterical giggles. She wiggled and shrieked and tried to kick him in the shins, but to no avail. Just when she thought she couldn't take it any more, his fingers became much more soothing, and his kisses slowed to a tantalising rate, rocking her senses. Lily's nerves unknotted and began to heat up in the most beautiful fashion. She could stay right there forever.

"You want me to stop?" he breathed into her skin.

"No. Don't stop."

"If you say so, Lily." If you say so.

THE END.


End file.
